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Crush of the Week

In his next book of racy photographs, Leonard Nimoy has chosen fat women as his subject. The seventy-three-year-old actor-turned-photographer says of his models, “They are interested in fat liberation. Their self-esteem is strong. They will tell you that too many people suffer because the body they live in is not the body you find in the fashion magazines.” You can tell from their “logical” websites that rabid Star Trek fans are a little uneasy about the whole business of Nimoy’s second life, but that just makes it nobler. To go from Mr. Spock to Helmut Newton is a brave, brave stretch for any actor. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

“The Jesus tattoo on my hand keeps me from masturbating.” — Former Korn guitarist Brian Welch, who is also apparently now on a crusade to save 50 Cent.

“Women will never suspect.” — A Russian man who had surgery to increase his penis size by growing it on his arm.

“I’m not pregnant and it’s not something I’m striving for.” — Britney Spears, who would rather pose topless instead.

“This individual apparently did take a spoonful, did have a finger in their mouth and then, you know, spit it out and recognized it. Then they had some kind of emotional reaction and vomited.” — Does it really matter who said it, or why?

Photos of the Week

Jodie Sweetin, from the Full House E! True Hollywood Story, who, like so many other teen stars before her (Soliel Moon Frye, anyone?), got really stacked later in life.

One of those logos no one looked at closely before it went to the printer.

Don’t you wish you got press releases emailed to you with weird photos like this?

Freelance Candidate of the Week

“My passion for writing is fueled by a love for both the entertainment and pop culture worlds. Celebrity, fashion, film, fitness, fine arts, travel, politics, music and TV — I have a healthy obsession with the gamut. In addition to writing, I have a knack for editing and researching copy that embodies brevity, clarity, panache and bite. Researcher could quite easily be my middle name.”

In the News

Three people were fired in a TV news sex scandal, plunging the office into chaos since one of the fired was covering the Michael Jackson case. If you are covering that case and still able to stomach kinky sex scandals of your own, you deserve a National Magazine Award. Did we mention we got nominated for one of those? ‘Cause we did. And no office sex scandals here! Seriously, we just hang out and listen to Dan the Automator and stare out the window at the rooftops of Soho and IM each other links to celebrity sex videos.

Follow-up to last week’s story of an Ohio school officer fired for having an L Word screensaver: In solidarity, we at Nerve have all downloaded screen-savers of our favorite gay-themed cable TV shows, consequences be damned. Stay strong, sister!

Theology, Interview-Magazine Style

Brad Pitt: My frustration with religion came from what I call the “safety mechanism” that asked you or told you that you needed to get God’s word out.
Ashton Kutcher: In order to go to heaven. Yet there are all thse kinds of safety caveats, like, you can do whatever you want, so long as you believe in this. I’m not a firm believer in that.
Brad Pitt: Meaning it’s all forgiven in the end if you ask in His name.
[…]Ashton Kutcher: All this dogma, it’s like this gigantic separation machine that divides people and causes more death than anything.
Brad Pitt: Which frustrates me most.

Product Placement

Flavored condoms from Shanghai; flavors include green tea and “ordinary.”

Tabloid Fodder: Life Lessons

Star
Life lesson: Trust no one.
Lesson learner: David Letterman.
Grade: B. Since a house painter’s plot to kidnap Letterman’s son was revealed, Letterman will get a security upgrade.

In Touch
Life lesson: It’s lonely at the top.
Lesson learner: John Stamos.
Grade: D. “The dating scene has changed,” he says. “There are two playing fields. One is the lower one ? the clubbing, partying and crazy girls . . . Then there’s this higher sanctuary ? where you’re cleaned, on your own, you’re better. But it’s a lonely place up there. ” But points off for this logical fallacy: “Girls are younger and crazier.” Younger than what ? they were when he was young?

Us Weekly
Life lesson: Sometimes you have to walk away.
Lesson learner: Everyone who’s quit reality shows.
Grade: C. Most have “no regrets.”

People
Life lesson: Life is short.
Lesson learner: Sandra Bullock.
Grade: A. Getting a colonoscopy five years ago (after her mother’s death) gave her this “new attitude about life.” After the colonoscopy, she went shopping for clothes while still on Demerol; now she’s dating the guy from Monster Garage. Success story!

 

 


Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Kate Sullivan, Matt Hickman and Myung Joh.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.

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