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Crush of the Week

You can watch some comedians onstage and know they won’t be any fun when they walk off. Mitch Hedberg, who died this week at the age of thirty-seven, was just the opposite. Seeing his act made you want to take him out to a diner, smoke cigarettes with him until two a.m. and lean in really close, trying to catch every sleepy witticism that came to him before sunrise. (“I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”) Maybe by the end of the night, he’d let you reach over and brush that shaggy hair out of his face.  Even if he just sat there, staring into his coffee, you’d know that his brain was inventing things like this: “My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don’t want them to. I’m like, ‘Hey . . . Hold on, fellows . . . Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.'” And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Gwynne Watkins

Quotes of the Week

“Just as George W. Bush feels we should ‘err on the side of life,’ I’ve always felt it’s best to err on the side of avoiding incestuous handjobs.” — Newsy sex advice from Dan Savage.

“Oprah: Was it a consummated marriage?
Lisa Marie: Oh my god, Oprah!
Oprah: [to audience] You all know damn well you wanna know.
Lisa Marie: Yep. To me, yes it was.”
Lisa Marie Presley and Oprah discussing Lisa Marie’s marriage to you-know-who (hint: not Nicolas Cage).

“I was f**king Christian Bale up the a**e and the crew was filming . . . So I start, you know, pumping away . . . Then I said, ‘I’m sure I would have come by now.’ I glanced back and saw the crew packing up and walking away!” — Ewan McGregor on his sex scene with Christian Bale in Velvet Goldmine.

Best Headline: “Prince Albert takes over Monaco.”

“Q: When he stuck his snout in my crotch you said Jack is eternally a puppy, but sometimes he gets moody and attacks people. Are you talking about you?
A: No. He just gets frightened in crowds of people. He gets slightly delusional. He’s obsessed with water so he’ll jump in a bathtub. I may believe in Santa but I’m not delusional.” — Mariah Carey in Q Magazine.

From Craigslist: “MTV is casting for the second season of Date My Mom. We are looking for gay guys and their moms to participate. Guys must be 18-26 and their moms do NOT need to be single — the date is for him.”

Photos of the Week

Pat Buchanan, circle jerk poster boy.

The prime minister of Spain greets the ambassador of Columbia in a manner that probably violates the Geneva Convention.

William Wallace has a big sword.

Richard Gere dances with his Japanese doppelganger (the way-hot Prime Minister is often compared to Gere).

From Our Inbox

ORGASMS
AN EXPLOSIVE NEW COMEDY
WILL MAKE ITS OFF-BROADWAY PREMIERE APRIL 21st AT THE SOHO PLAYHOUSE
featuring ED ASNER as the VOICE OF GOD
Among other yin-yang related issues, the comedy most deftly deals with the phenomenon of orgasms and the lack there of in the female sector of Western Civilization.”

From Our Inbox, Part II

“Salutatin’s, Dame Ada- I seek your advice, anyone else’s advice: does my profile just suck? Should I edit some? Too schticky too be handled? Is the large excerpt from a book not even legal, to say nothing about in good taste? Is it all somehow just… a bit much? Objective criticism will be lapped up, tail wagging spastically. the profile: user: [redacted] I assume you can send sysadmin after it, if it’s not somehow visible to you. It is hidden. You DO have these powers, right?”

In the News

In gay American Idol news, here’s Anwar Robinson’s M4M personal ad.

Someone in the scheduling department has a sense of humor: Jesus Week and Queer Week overlapped this year at U. Penn.

Product Placement

Ridiculously hypnotic / sexual commercial for the stick-shaped candy Pocky.

The MoMA Design Store’s best-seller: the hug salt-and-pepper shakers.

Carpet Lover: the most-like-a-sex-shop flooring supplier ever.

Do you suppose Carpet Lover offers the Mary-Kate and Ashley shag collection?

You know a penis-enlarging supplement works if it’s got a scientific name like Amplifico.

Tabloid Fodder: The Soul-Searching Edition

On March 30, Britney Spears posted an open letter to the tabloids on her website that read:

“As you read this letter, I bet you are asking yourself: Who? Who, me? Am I a false tabloid? Well, I don’t know. But after this posting, I hope you are asking yourself a lot of questions . . . ‘What am I lying to myself about?’ Is it that you are 50 pounds overweight? Is it that your children aren’t making wise decisions? Or is it maybe that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you? Until you face what is going on in your life, I guess you’ll remain a false tabloid.”

Indeed, the tabloids looked deep within themselves this week and responded to Britney with honesty, compassion, and brutal self-analysis. (People is exempt, because Britney says People isn’t like the others).

Us Weekly
Gosh, I guess I am a little fat. Britney may have a husband who doesn’t want her to have a baby and who also by the way is fooling around with strippers in Las Vegas (page 38), but she sure does have my number.

In Touch
Wow, Brit’s right. I never thought before about how morally bankrupt I am. It’s really too bad Desperate Housewives turned down Britney’s bid to guest-star on the show (page 22), because I’d like to see more of that moral beacon.

Star
Ouch. I feel just terrible about myself now ? almost as bad as I feel about the fact that Britney wants to pose naked and pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair like Demi Moore did, but they’re not going to let her because when Demi did it, “she was at the top of her career, looking pregnant and glowing ? and Britney is not at the top of her career.” (page 26) I wish I didn’t have to say that, but you know, I’d be lying ? false, even ? if I didn’t.

 

 


Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Kate Sullivan, Matt Hickman and Myung Joh.
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