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Crush of the Week

Hyperactive, white-teethed money guru Suze Orman is a maniac, no doubt about it, but watching her this weekend we were really impressed with her emotional intelligence. Beyond the details of FICO scores and impound accounts, she profoundly understands the psychology of money. A woman called wondering how to protect her husband from her credit-card debt, and Suze narrowed her eyes. “Are your names both on the house?” “No, I took it off to protect him.” “The title?” “I took it off.” In just a few more questions, Suze determined that the woman had a lot more problems than the $20,000 Visa bill. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Photos of the Week

Meet Katia Jones (L) and Ksenia Linkova of the Russian-born pop group RU, a new Slavic, Sapphic pop duo à la tATu. Our question is, when did they achieve such international importance that they warrant a Yahoo News photo slideshow? For the sake of comparison, here are the other slideshows in Yahoo’s top six, at press time: Papacy in the Vatican, Sex Offender Charged in Murder of Florida Girl, Boston Marathon, Iraq and the Michael Jackson Trial.

According to Time, “The combination of hard-charging righteousness and willowy, sex-kitten pulchritude is vertiginous and—for her many young male fans—intoxicating.” Is it just us or does it look like she’s trying to stab us with her pointy shoes?

Quotes of the Week

“Then again, perhaps that is why you frequently jog around town in nothing more than a sports bra — you lust for the attention. Please consider moving.” — A parent lashes out against a New Jersey housewife who’s campaigning for more nutritious meals in the school cafeteria.  Nutritious meals? That BITCH.

“When stews were sexy and the world was sexist.” — Baffling slogan for a new musical about ’60s stewardesses.

“If she had testicles, you guys would really be writing about her.” — One of several inadvertantly amusing lines in this article about a female racehorse.

“The rats destroyed our crops and we can only get rid of them by stripping naked and singing songs related to men’s weaknesses in bed.” — Ralitha Mhlongo, a seventy-one-year-old participant in an agricultural ritual.

“The three beetles . . . are among sixty-five newly discovered species which feed on mold.” — A report on newly discovered beetles who have been named after Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.

Missed Connection of the Week

“I was dressed in a black suit and tie, and you had just-above-shoulder length dark black hair. You were so nice to me, even though I was pretty drunk. you helped me find my train, and then we sat next to each other. You are a writer and seemed so honest and down-to-earth. I told you that I write poetry, and gave you my business card. You promised to contact me, and would read one of my poems.” ? From Craigslist. Romance is not dead!

May Magazine Sex Watch

It’s Spring, and magazine editors’ thoughts turn to . . .

“Her skin glowed, her hair glowed, her lips glowed. Where once her carnal features-lips, breasts, posterior-seemed preternaturally swollen, as if in a dead-heat race to burst from her skinny, teenage frame, now Alba and her twenty-three-year-old body have settled into delicacy and grace and balance while still drawing chat-room catcalls like “Damn! Shortie got back!” — GQ on Jessica Alba

“Like the perfect girlfriend, the Acura RL gives so much and asks for so little in return.” — Sync on the Acura RL.

“Do you like Doo-ing it standing up? Sitting down? On your knees? The Sea-Doo 3D is the first watercraft that lets you convert its seat into three different modes: Vert, Mot or Kart. Missionary position not available yet.” — Sync on the Sea-Doo H20 Transfomer jetski.

Via a hard-hitting charticle, Esquire reveals that Eva Longoria perfers nighttime sex; she’s not a top or a bottom; the first boy she kissed had just eaten Cheetos; she probably has a vibrator on her nightstand; when filming a bathtub scene, sometimes your nipple pasties fall off.

The prude of the season is one-piece-bathing-suit-happy Vanity Fair. For the shoot, Marcia Cross refused to be photographed with a tree in the shape of David; her publicist announced, “Marcia will not come onsite if that penis is in the topiary.” ? Sarah Harrison

From Our Inbox

An application for a design intern, we think:
I am a transportation expert. I was employed a large transportation authority in Massachusetts. If you have vehicles I am your man. I don’t know anything about web design, nor do I care. If you are interested drop me a line and if you are not drop me a line.

From Our Inbox II

The ultimate book for that Prada bag-toting Buddhist nun:
Today’s women are desperate for the balance and serenity that Buddhism has to offer, but have little patience for the overly sentimental or religious tones that pervade traditional books on the topic.
GIRL SEEKS BLISS: Zen and the Art of Modern Life Maintenance (A Plume Original Trade Paperback, On-Sale: June 2005, $13.00), by Nicole Beland, will enable women to apply the basics of Buddhism to their Sex and the City lifestyles in ways that are fun, practical and meaningful.

In the News

Viagra is now deemed kosher, just in time for Passover.

According to a fascinating new Sports Illustrated poll, 47% of readers responded yes to this statement: “What America needs now is an open discussion about homosexuality and sports.”

A second teacher-student affair is revealed at New York’s High School for Health Professions and Human Services. Note the tasteful photo of the student, subtitled, “Loverboy II.”

Joni Mitchell ranks James Taylor as the best of her ’60s lovers. Damn, our money was on Robert Plant.

Product Placement

International Male Shape Enhancer underwear.

Tabloid Fodder: Britney’s Revenge

People
Proud boast: After calling all the other magazines but this one “false tabloids,” Britney made sure People was the only one who had the official story of her pregnancy this week.

Us Weekly
Humiliating claim: “Spears remains mum on her pregnancy.”

In Touch
Humiliating claim: “Britney wants to waitress in her dad’s restaurant!”

Star
In Your Face, Britney!: Breathless account of a recent hospital visit, right down to the “patch of blood around her crotch,” a doctor’s analysis of her condition, shots of Kevin pacing, a photo of her nearby apartment, and the fake name she’s currently using: Madison Lea. Who’s false now?

 

 


Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Matt Hickman and Myung Joh.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.

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