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Crush of the Week





KELLY RIPA

She flirts with Regis, whom she calls “Big Daddy,” with every audience member and every guest on her erotic juggernaut of an a.m. chat show. She tells guest Robert Wagner about a formative memory from her childhood: going right up to the TV when he was in a shower scene on Hart to Hart, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of his penis. She joshes the homebound women who call in to Drive You Wild Trivia! about what they’re really going to do in Cabo San Lucas once they win the vacation, causing them to giggle girlishly for the first time in years. If you did a shot every time Kelly Ripa winked conspiratorially at someone, you would be plastered by 9:15.

It is a rare show in which Kelly does not mention her boobs, particularly the fake ones, dubbed “the girls,” which she enthusiastically sports in her sitcom, the oddly appealing Hope and Faith. There, she stars as a meglomaniacal former soap star living with her suburban sister’s family. The only flaw in the show is the extraordinary suspension of disbelief required by Hope’s husband’s failure to leave his wife and children for his lusty in-law.

In real life, of course, pro-procreation Kelly has (as of press time) three children with Mark Conseulos. “So what did you do last night, Pippa?” Regis asks her one morning. “The kids went to bed early so Mark and I could ‘talk,'” she says, and the air-quotes held over her head frame a thought bubble dripping with pure, animal lust.

Kelly Ripa has brought an enthusiastic sluttiness to morning TV, and for this, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun


In
the News
Lutherans,
ever competitive with Catholics, prove they can molest, too. (Story)

Porn stars Darren James and Lara Roxx test positive for HIV, leading to government inquiry into porn industry. May lead
to more condoms in porn’s future. (Story)

Remember that shifty guy on the plane the last time you flew
to Bangkok? His days are numbered.
(Story)

Britney Spears sings "Happy Birthday" to her brother while dressed like a stripper, then brags about it on her website. (BritneySpears.org)

What thirteen-year-olds are giggling over this week: Ron Jeremy rolling
papers.
(Phat Pimp Clothing)

Mandatory Viewing for Women’s Studies Majors






The plot is simple enough: porn star moves into suburban neighborhood, befriends gawky teen, teaches him something about … something. But what is the new film The Girl Next Door
trying to say? We traced the evolution of its message, as far as we could:

1. Porn is bad.

2. Actually, it can save your life.

3. Actually, it’s bad.

4. Actually, it’s the only way to find love — and money for college.

The
R-rated teen flick is being compared to Risky Business,
the Tom Cruise suburban brothel comedy, but we think it has more in common
with Weird Science, where Anthony
Michael Hall et. al. created Kelly LeBrock as a science experiment. Because the true moral was that nerdy guys need unbelievably hot chicks
around if they’re going to realize their full potential. And, of course,
unbelievably hot chicks need nerdy guys to realize theirs.


Foul-Named Trend Alert
Horny UK commuters are arranging casual encounters — yep, those of the Craigslist variety — on trains and buses, using text messages on their cellphones and PDAs. It’s called "toothing": one user sends a digital pickup line (usually "Toothing?") to someone else in their immediate vicinity. Bluetooth wireless technology is the enabler here; it allows devices to communicate with each other over short distances. (We’d think the dearth of desirable sex partners in any given 20-foot area might restrict the trend, but it’s apparently spreading like Mad Cow in a damp Scottish field.) There’s a website
dedicated to the practice, which is still
mostly confined to London. By the time it makes its way to America,
we hope they come up with a name that sounds less like a painful sex act.


The Hottest 300 Words We Could Find This Week
" . . . Now the hand goes down to her bum and the fingers spread out to widen the space, to make room for themselves. One finger ventures down the front of her. As it pushes around she adjusts herself, moving her legs a little farther apart for him and freeing her tangled hairs.
It strolls along her oystery lips, dipping in and pulling out. Now it moves to the back, and just rests its weight against her, like she’s the inkpad for the fingerprint. It turns a little to nestle in, sealing against her. Trish counts her heartbeats. The finger is moving again, capably, gathering her wetness and moving it back, reprinting, a little bit deeper and down an deeper still. After a few trips she feels it push into her. Out it goes again, gathering more of her wetness and bringing it back. The finger digs deeply until it is all the way in, two knuckles past her ass. Now it’s fucking her, good finger, doing a good job. She feels good beneath it, and the finger seems happy too. Trish is moving with the rhythm and the feeling and the finger is a happy porpoise, corkscrewing in and stretching out, gracefully, too smoothly to disrupt the calm. Now a second finger joins the first, and the two fingers are splashing in and out of her. Trish moves up against the good fingers and stretches, her arms and legs out in a long line.

    "Strange, but nice, and now she knows from the man’s breathing that he likes it a lot. She’s breathing in a rhythmic way: it isn’t unconscious but not exactly a decision either, like when you just throw some fresh thyme into a stew you’re making. Trish floats along, breathing to it — acting it out for this stranger."

From the new novel Faithful by Davitt Sigerson. (Buy it)


Celebrity Sexual Predator (TM)
The Fly on the sand: two-year-old photos of Jeff
Goldblum naked on a beach.

http://www.areafamosas.com/tablon/ver_mensaje.php?id_mensaje=2727

Prince William photographed in a Speedo; tabloid editors celebrate use of caption "Family Jewels."

http://b6.ezboard.com/fjjboardfrm12.showMessage?topicID=49682.topic

Art-House-A-Go-Go
From I
Am Curious (Yellow)
, the 1967 Vilgot Sjöman film:

Aroused by the sex education books she has been reading, Lena gets Börje’s
assistance in inventing an extraordinary, new (to date undiscovered and
undescribed) position.

LENA: Then you should feel the muscles I have! (She removes her slacks
and points to the “Musculus Protector Virgines.”) What do you think?

BÖRJE: What’s wrong with them?

LENA: Here! Feel!

BÖRJE: Are they supposed to feel like this?

LENA: No. It’s because chicks squeeze their legs together.

BÖRJE (as he simultaneously drops his trousers and shorts to his ankles):
Why?

LENA: They’re not supposed to spread their legs like boys do, and that’s
how this muscle gets so hard. Then when they go to bed with a guy they
can hardly spread their legs.

BÖRJE: But you don’t have that problem, do you? You said you had slept
with twenty-three guys.

LENA: Yes, but the first nineteen were no fun.


Ralph,
You’re a Genius







Worn
out your Love Swing? Taxed your Ramp/Wedge beyond repair? You might want to invest in the oh-so-elegantly
named Bonk’er ($229; www.bonkum.com),
a metal-and-leather-strap contraption that promises to make sex more
comfortable by helping women optimally tilt their pelvis. The device’s
designer, Jordan Dawes (who refers to himself as "the Bonkmaster" and
claims the “three-funnel bong” as his first notable invention) says that
when the Bonk’er isn’t in use, it can be used “for lounging, watching
TV, stretching, hanging a plant, or as a candle holder.”

Early reviews:

“Oral sex was very similar to our experience with the ceiling-mounted swing.” (Freddyandeddy.com)

“When you’re done, you can use the arms as attractive lantern hangers.” (Fuckfish.com)


Mary-Kate and Ashley Watch Watch





This week, People, In Touch Weekly and Star all fuss over the Olson twins, a.k.a. the country’s most prominent jailbait. People scores
the best tidbit about the girls: for their NYU applications, Mary-Kate
examined the implications of the Ben Harper lyric “If you have everything, you have everything to lose,” while her sister
Ashley compared her life to the Jackson Pollock painting “Number 1.”

We rated some of the nine million websites counting down the hours until the twins are of legal age:

JaBoobie Olsen Twin Countdown
http://www.jaboobie.com/olsen.html

Quote "I’m
going to have mixed emotions when the twins turn eighteen as this site will
be rendered moot. However, I know some ambitious photog will snap some
scandalous pics of them once it’s legal."

Actual Countdown Clock? Yes.

Watch Out For Creepy message board at the bottom of the page.

Overall Rating (1-10) 5

Twin Tracker

http://www.twintracker.com/

Best feature A map of the United States that lists each state’s age of consent, complete with loutish quips about potential post-birthday activities.

Quote "Geography
that’s fun for the whole family."

Actual countdown clock? No.

Overall rating (1-10): 8

The Official chasebrown.com
Mary Kate & Ashley Olsen 18th Birthday Countdown Clock


http://www.chasebrown.com/olson.htm

Inexplicable feature On the author’s homepage, a four-year-old Dutch child giving the finger.

Quote "These
two hotties will be Playboy legal in …"

Actual countdown clock? Yes

Watch out for Chase asks you to donate a dollar to keep the countdown clock running.

Overall rating (1-10) 4

The Johnny Digital Olsen Twins Countdown Page

http://jdigital.pyoko.org/olsen.php

Best feature Coded HTML link you can post in your blog.

Quote "We don’t
get many American shows here in the UK until long after they came out
in the USA. When I did some searching on the Internet, I was pretty
surprised to find out that the nine-year-olds I saw on TV were maybe
only two years away from turning 18!"

Actual countdown clock? Yes.

Watch out for UK
warning! Must think in accent when reading page.

Overall rating (1-10) 7

Olsenmeter

http://www.brokennewz.com/reports/olsentwins.asp

Best feature The "Related Stories" links
under the countdown clock. They include "Britney Spears Caught Lip Synching
During Interview."

Quote "For
some of us . . . it was Two of a Kind, for others . . . Full House. No matter
how you found them, you’re hooked."

Actual countdown clock? Yes.

Watch out for The photo. Olsen Twins as grinning Goths?

Overall rating (1-10) 6

Dale Ford Olsen Twin Countdown

http://www.daleford.com/twins.php

Best feature No
creepy copy explaining why the author posted the countdown. 

Quote None.

Real countdown clock? Yes.

Overall rating (1-10) 2

eSpudd: The Olsen Twin Countdown

http://www.espudd.com/articles/other/olsen.php?cat=fea

Best featusre The site kinda looks like the Matrix, if you squint.

Quote "Save a friend’s life. Recommend this page."

Actual countdown clock? Sort of.

Watch out for The countdown clock only changes when you hit the refresh button. If you forget, you’ll end up severely behind schedule.

Rating (1-10) 3

Ratings by Sarah G. Harrison

Another Sign
of the Apocalypse
www.cuddleparty.com


Scanner appears on Tuesdays. Editor: Ada Calhoun. Send
tips to ada@nerve.com.



 

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