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April 27, 2004
| REGULARS |
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| Crush of the Week | |
 KELLY RIPA She flirts with Regis, whom she calls "Big Daddy," with every audience member and every guest on her erotic juggernaut of an a.m. chat show. She tells guest Robert Wagner about a formative memory from her childhood: going right up to the TV when he was in a shower scene on Hart to Hart, desperately trying to catch a glimpse of his penis. She joshes the homebound women who call in to Drive You Wild Trivia! about what they're really going to do in Cabo San Lucas once they win the vacation, causing them to giggle girlishly for the first time in years. If you did a shot every time Kelly Ripa winked conspiratorially at someone, you would be plastered by 9:15. It is a rare show in which Kelly does not mention her boobs, particularly the fake ones, dubbed "the girls," which she enthusiastically sports in her sitcom, the oddly appealing Hope and Faith. There, she stars as a meglomaniacal former soap star living with her suburban sister's family. The only flaw in the show is the extraordinary suspension of disbelief required by Hope's husband's failure to leave his wife and children for his lusty in-law. In real life, of course, pro-procreation Kelly has (as of press time) three children with Mark Conseulos. "So what did you do last night, Pippa?" Regis asks her one morning. "The kids went to bed early so Mark and I could 'talk,'" she says, and the air-quotes held over her head frame a thought bubble dripping with pure, animal lust. Kelly Ripa has brought an enthusiastic sluttiness to morning TV, and for this, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun |
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| In the News |
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| Lutherans, ever competitive with Catholics, prove they can molest, too. (Story) Porn stars Darren James and Lara Roxx test positive for HIV, leading to government inquiry into porn industry. May lead to more condoms in porn's future. (Story) Remember that shifty guy on the plane the last time you flew to Bangkok? His days are numbered. (Story) Britney Spears sings "Happy Birthday" to her brother while dressed like a stripper, then brags about it on her website. (BritneySpears.org) What thirteen-year-olds are giggling over this week: Ron Jeremy rolling papers. (Phat Pimp Clothing)
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| Mandatory Viewing for Women's Studies Majors | |
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 The plot is simple enough: porn star moves into suburban neighborhood, befriends gawky teen, teaches him something about ... something. But what is the new film The Girl Next Door trying to say? We traced the evolution of its message, as far as we could: 1. Porn is bad. |
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| Foul-Named Trend Alert | |
| Horny UK commuters are arranging casual encounters — yep, those of the Craigslist variety — on trains and buses, using text messages on their cellphones and PDAs. It's called "toothing": one user sends a digital pickup line (usually "Toothing?") to someone else in their immediate vicinity. Bluetooth wireless technology is the enabler here; it allows devices to communicate with each other over short distances. (We'd think the dearth of desirable sex partners in any given 20-foot area might restrict the trend, but it's apparently spreading like Mad Cow in a damp Scottish field.) There's a website dedicated to the practice, which is still mostly confined to London. By the time it makes its way to America, we hope they come up with a name that sounds less like a painful sex act. |
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| The Hottest 300 Words We Could Find This Week | |
| " . . . Now the hand goes down to her bum and the fingers spread out to widen the space, to make room for themselves. One finger ventures down the front of her. As it pushes around she adjusts herself, moving her legs a little farther apart for him and freeing her tangled hairs. It strolls along her oystery lips, dipping in and pulling out. Now it moves to the back, and just rests its weight against her, like she's the inkpad for the fingerprint. It turns a little to nestle in, sealing against her. Trish counts her heartbeats. The finger is moving again, capably, gathering her wetness and moving it back, reprinting, a little bit deeper and down an deeper still. After a few trips she feels it push into her. Out it goes again, gathering more of her wetness and bringing it back. The finger digs deeply until it is all the way in, two knuckles past her ass. Now it's fucking her, good finger, doing a good job. She feels good beneath it, and the finger seems happy too. Trish is moving with the rhythm and the feeling and the finger is a happy porpoise, corkscrewing in and stretching out, gracefully, too smoothly to disrupt the calm. Now a second finger joins the first, and the two fingers are splashing in and out of her. Trish moves up against the good fingers and stretches, her arms and legs out in a long line. "Strange, but nice, and now she knows from the man's breathing that he likes it a lot. She's breathing in a rhythmic way: it isn't unconscious but not exactly a decision either, like when you just throw some fresh thyme into a stew you're making. Trish floats along, breathing to it — acting it out for this stranger." From the new novel Faithful by Davitt Sigerson. (Buy it) |
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| Celebrity Sexual Predator (TM) | |
| The Fly on the sand: two-year-old photos of Jeff Goldblum naked on a beach. http://www.areafamosas.com/tablon/ver_mensaje.php?id_mensaje=2727 Prince William photographed in a Speedo; tabloid editors celebrate use of caption "Family Jewels." http://b6.ezboard.com/fjjboardfrm12.showMessage?topicID=49682.topic |
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| Art-House-A-Go-Go | |
| From I Am Curious (Yellow), the 1967 Vilgot Sjöman film: Aroused by the sex education books she has been reading, Lena gets Börje's assistance in inventing an extraordinary, new (to date undiscovered and undescribed) position. LENA: Then you should feel the muscles I have! (She removes her slacks and points to the "Musculus Protector Virgines.") What do you think? BÖRJE: What's wrong with them? LENA: Here! Feel! BÖRJE: Are they supposed to feel like this? LENA: No. It's because chicks squeeze their legs together. BÖRJE (as he simultaneously drops his trousers and shorts to his ankles): Why? LENA: They're not supposed to spread their legs like boys do, and that's how this muscle gets so hard. Then when they go to bed with a guy they can hardly spread their legs. BÖRJE: But you don't have that problem, do you? You said you had slept with twenty-three guys. LENA: Yes, but the first nineteen were no fun. |
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| Ralph, You're a Genius |
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 Worn out your Love Swing? Taxed your Ramp/Wedge beyond repair? You might want to invest in the oh-so-elegantly named Bonk'er ($229; www.bonkum.com), a metal-and-leather-strap contraption that promises to make sex more comfortable by helping women optimally tilt their pelvis. The device's designer, Jordan Dawes (who refers to himself as "the Bonkmaster" and claims the "three-funnel bong" as his first notable invention) says that when the Bonk'er isn't in use, it can be used "for lounging, watching TV, stretching, hanging a plant, or as a candle holder." Early reviews: |
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| Mary-Kate and Ashley Watch Watch | |
 This week, People, In Touch Weekly and Star all fuss over the Olson twins, a.k.a. the country's most prominent jailbait. People scores the best tidbit about the girls: for their NYU applications, Mary-Kate examined the implications of the Ben Harper lyric "If you have everything, you have everything to lose," while her sister Ashley compared her life to the Jackson Pollock painting "Number 1." We rated some of the nine million websites counting down the hours until the twins are of legal age: JaBoobie Olsen Twin Countdown Twin Tracker The Official chasebrown.com The Johnny Digital Olsen Twins Countdown Page Quote "We don't Actual countdown clock? Yes. Watch out for UK Olsenmeter Dale Ford Olsen Twin Countdown eSpudd: The Olsen Twin Countdown |
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| Another Sign of the Apocalypse |
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| www.cuddleparty.com |
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| Scanner appears on Tuesdays. Editor: Ada Calhoun. Send tips to ada@nerve.com. |
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© 2004 Nerve.com, Inc.
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Commentarium (12 Comments)
i really liked this collection of info; not much each on their its own, but fun to read them all in one place. they add up to a good one-stop-shop review.
Britneyspears.org is not her official website. Her official website is Britneyspears.com
So in actuality she's not the one bragging, although I think it's hilarious anyway.
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