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Quotes of the Week
“I’m hung like a hamster.” — Brad Pitt in the UK Sun.

“I’ve never taken it out. It’s a hoop about the size of a quarter . . . It hits the lady where she likes it and, because it swings, it can be effective in any position.” — Lenny Kravitz tells a secretly salivating FHM about his genital piercing

“She calls them her puppy’s noses, and hers kind of resemble puppy’s noses.” — Hugh Jackman on the breasts of Van Helsing co-star Kate Beckinsale

“Don’t start dating someone just because you’re too lazy to commit to suicide.” — Judy Tenuta, we missed ya!



“She’s got wonderful eyes. And she looks fun.”
— Teresa Heinz Kerry on Laura Bush

 
In the News
More than 1,600 people have answered Howard Stern’s call to arms, complaining to the FCC about an episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show that mentioned “salad-tossing," a.k.a. analingus. Read letters detailing the morning-drive-time fans’ outrage.

Reuters reports on the fifth case of HIV in the porn industry.

The New York Times profiles Dr. Sharon Mitchell, the former porn star who founded AIM (Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation), which tests adult film stars for STDs.

Entertainment Weekly‘s ode to Mitchell.

– A list of articles on the subject is available on the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation’s website.

– A Village Voice article discusses porn producers’ view of “condoms as a creative challenge”.

– The quarantine list (updated regularly): http://aim-med.org/Quarantine.html.

Scientists speculate that antidepressant use may inhibit your ability to fall in love. (The percentage of antidepressant users who experience sexual dysfunction: 70.)

An Oklahoma man is charged with knowingly infecting more than 170 women with HIV.

In Further News

Missouri governor considers banning sexy signs.

MTV Real World alum Dan Renzi was arrested for “pulling a Pee Wee Herman” in a Kansas City adult theater. (Then wrote about it on his blog (danrenzi.typepad.com); apparently Real World fame, not public indecency, is a more jailable offense in KC.)

Ten percent of Britons admit to dumping their significant other via text message.

The Parlux perfume company announced plans to release a fragrance named after Paris Hilton: “Paris Hilton is a prominent part of our popular culture, with a tremendous U.S. and international following,” said Parlux chief executive Ilia Lekach in a statement. “I believe that Paris Hilton fragrance will be a terrific addition to the Parlux house of fragrances.” (What will it smell like? Smart money’s on orchids + semen + that long-suffering little dog she carries around.)

Follow-up from last week: the guy who posed in his wife’s wedding dress on eBay got screwed by a fake high bidder.

For some Kentucky men habitually behind in child support, their choice is jail or a vasectomy.

 

 
Media Watch

Want to date a Brit? Get ready for “drunken serial monogamy,” says Choire Sicha in the New York Observer.

Even brazen Cosmo editors put their new issue together with tongs while grimacing: A "sex tips from guys" feature includes the suggestion, “When you grab my arms, hold ’em over my head and lick around my armpits. I’m putty.” [ivillage.com]

Opportunistic soul-savers are making teen magazines out of the New Testament. The newest is Refuel, geared toward boys. Sample cover line: “Girls spill it all!” [Indianapolis Star]

The debut issue of Best Life, the new magazine from the hairy-backed creatine addicts behind Men’s Health, describes Masonic initiation rituals: “While blindfolded, each initiate is asked to expose his left leg and bare breast. A rope is looped around his neck. New members receive the Masonic apron, made of white cloth and meant to symbolize innocence.” (Bill Clinton, Trent Lott and Arlen Specter have all been initiated.)

 
Tabloid Fodder

People

= EXISTENTIAL

On the cover: “What’s real? What’s fake?”



Within:

“You become very acutely aware that you’re going to die.” – Mark Ruffalo

“I remember thinking. . . ‘I want to die.'” – Anne Hjelle, survivor of a mountain lion attack.

“A pink horse?” – Nick Lachey

Sex promised: 5

Sex delivered: 2

Death and disorientation do not sexy make.

Us Weekly

= HYSTERICAL

On the cover: “I cry now because I’m happy!” – Ellen DeGeneres

Headlines within:

“Kitten! Cake! Jake!”

“Boys! Bars! Big paychecks!”

“Talk about international affairs!”

Sex promised = 4

Sex delivered = 7

Comes on like it’s going to be all housewife friendly, but really it’s

just a cavalcade of exclamation points, advanced stalking and boobs.

In Touch Weekly

= SUSPICIOUS

On cover: “Ashton and Demi: Already Married?”

Within:

“Who’s that kid?”

“Did Britney dodge a shark attack?”

“Who’s the fox here?”

Sex promised = 9
Sex delivered = 5

How many times can you answer a question with a question?

Star

= COMPETITIVE

Cover: “Who got SKINNY! Who got FAT!”

Within:

“Krisi Frank says ‘I Do’ and beats Donald Trump to the altar!”

“I am one of the few real things in Britney’s life.” – Kevin Federline

“Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston say they want a family, but do they even see each other enough to make one?”

Sex promised = 8

Sex delivered = 8

And once again, Star wins for truth-in-advertising. We appreciate Bonnie
Fuller’s honesty-in-skankiness, an all-too-rare quality in the world today.



 
Photos of the Week

Just in case anyone missed Courtney Love’s boobs the first four thousand times she flashed them.

Ben Affleck keeps his eyes on the prize.

 
Consumer Cult

American magazines have refused to run the new Steven Klein ads for D Squared, which depict clothed women tying up hot naked boys in the woods. Luckily, they’re online.

A new DVD player censors sex from films, confusing the hell out of children everywhere: "Mommy, when people start kissing, why does it immediately turn morning?" (Some examples.)

Swatch, feeling the pressure from much sluttier competitors Fossil, whips out the Bunny Sutra Swatch. (Read tourist reactions in the New York Post: http://www.nypost.com/news/regionalnews/23876.htm)

See also the limited-edition Helmut Newton Swatch, which is going for $5,200 at auction.

 
From the Archives

"A girl who enjoys being a girl understands that a boy likes her this way—feminine and slightly mysterious. Gradually, as she acquires more poise, she discovers that this mysterious femininity is only another name for dignity and self-respect. By this time she has discovered that sex feelings are normal, but so is fire, and for the same reason she does not let either get out of hand." —From Teenage Living (1966).

 
Sister Act

As we face down a long, dull, sex- and salaciousness-free presidential campaign, consider a hypothetical matchup of the candidates’ offspring.

Bush daughters: Barbara and Jenna, 22

vs.

Kerry daughters: Vanessa, 26, and Alexandra, 30

 
BUSH
KERRY
Cited for underage drinking

Seen snuggling up to Ben Affleck when should have been raptly listening to Dad at his campaign rally

Rumored to have been caught on film at a Yale naked party

Seen dirty dancing with a guy who has three California arrest warrants on his head

Has same name as woman with whom father was rumored to have had an affair

Which blonde is blondest

In film business

Ashton Kutcher says he saw them smoking pot



Sorry; looks like this race is a dead heat, too. — Sarah Harrison

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