In the New York Times Monday, David Carr said it better than Scanner ever could: "Once her [Tina Brown's] magazines took readers inside the star chambers where the sausages were made. But audiences seem to have no interest in that: they just want the sausage, the rawer the better." It takes a vibrant woman to inspire raw sausage analogies when her career is tanking. And for that she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Music issue special: a headphone fetish site.

In this new ad for Carl's Jr. (Carl's Jr?!), Paris Hilton is shown eating a hamburger while cleaning a Bentley.

"The Whore Lived Like a German." — Spam subject heading we totally fell for this morning.

"You say that you believe in the sanctity of marriage, how do you feel about marriages where the man does nothing but fuck his wife up the ass?" — A U.T. student's question for Ann Coulter. Do you suppose he really wanted to know the answer to that question? And speaking of Ann Coulter, we couldn't bring ourselves to read this blog about having sex with her, but we feel it is our duty to let you know it exists.

"Ludacris is 'a well rounded hedonist, who pursues a balanced lineup of vices and addictions' says Nathan Rabin in his review of the hip-hop star's new CD, The Red Light District. This CD is about as balanced as a seesaw with a fat kid on one side and a skinny one on the other." — The Parents TV Council is trying its hand at rap criticism. We may buy every CD handsome Times writer Kelefa Sanneh recommends, but he better watch his back now that right-wing culture-watch groups are on the scene.

Another music issue special: toplessradio.com, a "radio station" in "streaming video" where the "DJs" are topless. It's like, radio, but with videos of jiggling girls, so it's, like, radio you can watch? Too pomo for us.

The New York Post reports that the runaway bride "jilting Jenny" was "a crazy girl" who "liked sex," as if craziness and liking sex went together, hand in glove.

If you're in NYC this weekend: there will be a Wedding March for gay marriage rights on Sunday the 22rd at 11 a.m. in lower Manhattan.

The list of new Fox pilots is out. We'd like to call your attention to Fertile Ground, "a provocative new drama set in the cutting-edge world of a fertility clinic." The original title was Born and Bred. Can't you see that meeting at Fox: "No, let's go classy on this one, guys, and rename it fertile ground." Nods of assent all around the table.

A gas station owner banned customers who opposed his new sex shop.

What kind of guitar is that, Sam?
— Oh, this? Just my Wangcaster.

BUSHFISH: Two vagina-associated terms in one Republican magnet!

This new Durex ad shows the top of a woman's head. Hey, if you're reading FHM you're probably happy to settle for a photographic blowjob.

People
Feel better than this star / because: Renée Zellweger / She's married to a third-rate country musician.

Us Weekly
Feel better than this star / because: Jennifer Aniston / Angelina deserves Brad because she's, well, better than Jen in every conceivable way.

In Touch
Feel better than this star / because: Oprah / She's acting as if divorce-bound Brad and Jen are her parents and she's their goody-goody only child trying to keep them together.

Star
Feel better than this star / because: Jessica Simpson / She's staying in a loveless marriage for her career, just like Lucille Ball, Cher, Tina Turner and Hillary Clinton. Simpson has been told by her father/manager that "Hillary Clinton will be President of the Unted States because she didn't leave Bill." And once again, Star and Joe Simpson team up to provide healthy moral guidance for the young women of America.