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Crush of the Week: Prince
Some pop stars are smart-sexy, some are slutty-sexy, but the best ones are crazy-sexy. And the craziest, sexiest of the crazy-sexy contingent is, weird-shaped guitars down, Prince. Who is immune to the charms of the narrow-hipped, paisley-clad Minnesotan with the keyboard-guitar? With his lacy jabots, meticulous facial hair, and come-hither smile, the symbol beckons to a world where life is somehow simultaneously far purer and far freakier, where you can be "formerly known as" yourself, where being enslaved is just part of love, where driving off into the night on your motorcycle and leaving your girlfriend naked and alone is a way of showing a devotion too refined for flowers and candy. What would he do to you if you followed him into his candle-laden Midwestern mansion? The mind reels. For a man with the power to make the cheesiest image of our time (crying doves) poignant is a man who can certainly blow your mind in bed. And for this, he is our crush of the week. —Ada Calhoun
 
Quotes of the Week

Lenny Kravitz spouts first date wisdom: "The most important thing is never to wear underwear, and under no circumstance should you use aftershave."

"Men age like wine, and women seem to wilt in the eyes of an audience," says Scarlett Johansen, who also produced this cryptic line about encountering older man Benicio del Toro in an elevator after the Oscars: "We were making out or having sex or something, which I think is very unsanitary." Hmm, rambling + public sex + an age obsession? Is Scarlett Johansen turning into Courtney Love?

Taste arbiter Avril Lavigne condemns Britney Spears for "dancing like a ho," and promises “You won’t see me on stage in a sexy outfit.” Well, thank God for small miracles.

 

In the News

David Reimer of the John/Joan experiment, commits suicide at age 38. Moral: If you were thinking of raising your little boy as a girl, don’t, okay?

The Boston Globe runs graphic photos from a hardcore porn website after being told by a member of the Nation of Islam that they were Iraqi abuse pix. Ah, journalism.

If you’re
a 32-year-old teacher writing racy
poems
to your 17-year-old male student, keep in mind the
entire country will be reading them at some point and try to
be a little more eloquent than: “The smell of your cologne
mixed w/ sweat/ The sounds you make while —/
The touch of your hands/ The taste of your mouth/ There’s
more, but I won’t embarrass myself by mentioning them.”

As Crown Prince Frederik weds ridiculously hot Tasmanian businesswoman Mary Donaldson, typically staid Denmark is in "a frenzy of romantic euphoria,” the Guardian reports.

The porn industry starts back up again, bareback.

A fun day
at the fertility clinic: when the doctor tells the clueless
German couple that their childless state is a result of their NEVER
HAVING HAD SEX
.

The AP compares gay couples lining up for marriage licenses to "fans anxious for concert tickets.”

After a girl
is sent home from school for wearing a revealing dress, her mother
defends her daughter
: “When you’re as big as Dannielle,
there’s going to be cleavage,” Meyer said. “There’s nothing
I can do about that.” Thanks, Mom.

 

In Further News

There’s reportedly a new reality show on the way called “Stag,” which shows a couple’s bachelor and bachelorette parties and then the fallout after they watch each other’s tapes.

Fox network has a new show called "Seriously, Dude, I’m Gay," in which two straight men play gay to a “jury of their queers." (That phrase was pulled from draft two of the press release, because Fox is so socially conscious.)

“The most explicit film in the history of mainstream British cinema,” Nine Songs, which recently screened at Cannes, features close-up shots of fellatio, ejaculation and cunnilingus. “Part of the point of making the film was to say, ‘What’s wrong with showing sex?‘” said filmmaker Michael Winterbottom.

John Waters’
upcoming film A Dirty Shame, featuring Tracey Ullman as a sex addict, gets an NC-17 rating.

Leonard Nimoy’s nude photographs show this month at a gallery in Northampton, MA. The images are meant to embody “Shekhina—the feminine presence of God” in Judaism.

You know how the evil queens in all those books from your childhood formed your sense of what sexy is? Well, casting agents seem to understand that, and have cast Tilda Swinton as the sorceress in Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

 
Tabloid Fodder

People

Theme: If you’re in line at Walmart, you’re not missing anything.

Cover: "Love, Lies, and $1 Million"

Within:

A picture of the Pope on page 75.

Trudie Styler denies partner-swapping with Sting.

A 4-page article called "The Pain of Regain After Gastric Surgery."

Sex promised/delivered: 2/negative 4

Analysis: Ewwwwwwwwwwww

Us Weekly

Theme: Your relationship is doomed.

Cover: "New Ring, Big Trouble!"

Within:

" J. Lo—Is she falling in love—or just fooling herself?"

Donald Trump and his "bling-toting fiancée" —"No date yet!"

"You both smoke, you both drink and you both cheated on significant others.
. . you guys are made for each other." – the pregnant ex of Britney
Spears’ new beau

Sex promised/delivered: 4/3

Analysis: A very bitter US Weekly needs an attitude adjustment.

In Touch Weekly

Theme: Everyone in the universe is blonde

Cover: "Plastic Surgery CONTROVERSY!"

Within:

Heads of blonde hair: 118

"The best surgery is having good parents," says an expert of some sort.

Sex promised/delivered: 1/0

Analysis: A disturbing Aryan bias.
Star

Theme: Get yer red-hot teenage sluts!

Cover: "Olsens X-Posed!"

Within:

Wind blows up Olsen twins’ skirts on red carpet. Also, "They Have Sex! They Party Hard!" See photo of them in bed with their boyfriends in an Italian hotel room.

Lindsay Lohan: Stalker? Also, she had a boob job!

"Billionaire heiress Athina Onassis set to marry against family wishes."

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10

Analysis: Unencumbered by any sense of decency, Star is celebrity stalking at its creepy-crawly best.



 
Photos of the Week

I see London, I see France. . . (Serena Williams)

This photo of the revolutionary new backless bikini has been circulating. Why? Because it’s the least sexy photo ever taken of two nearly-naked, embracing women.

 
The Weirdest, Filthiest Book Jacket We Got This Week

“One girl cruises the litter-strewn docks of Long Beach. . .while another begs to feel her lover’s butter slick cock slip inside her ass. Feeling clumsily sexy in her date’s presence, like “some kind of frankenwhore,” another woman is tied to a child’s desk and made to read Revelations while allowing torn bits of toast to be placed on her tongue.” — Bottoms Up (edited by Diana Cage); coming in August from Soft Skull Press.

 
You are Your Genitals

If
you’re mourning
the demise of The Vagina Monologues, you can stop your
fretting. There’s still a place to go for feminist pussy-talk:
the “That
Takes Ovaries”
movement, now a book! A play! A website! An
open mike! A total nightmare! We mean, an empowering empowerment
opportunity! From the site: "Guys proudly brag about the
ovaries in their lives — their mothers, sisters, daughters.
Everyone who shares a story gets a chocolate egg wrapped in gold
foil — a Golden Ovary award."

 
Incoming Euromodel

Jordan, aka Katie Price, is our favorite UK glamour model. She began her career as a Sun Page 3 girl, (we have page 6 wherein we gossip maliciously, they have page 3 wherein girls take off their shirts —and yet somehow, we can still communicate) and her fame (and breasts) has been growing steadily. In case you are not familiar with the phenomenon that is Jordan, here are some
things you should know about her:

– Her breasts, which have been enlarged three times, are now a size FF.

– Each breast weighs seven pounds.

– She feuds with Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice, on the pages of the UK tabloids.

– On the wildly popular British version of "I’m a Celebrity Get me Out of Here," she began a romance with aspiring pop-star Peter Andre.

– She has written a book entitled Being Jordan: My Autobiography, which came out May 6.

– She once dated TV Gladiator Ace (aka Warren Foreman).

– She has a baby boy, Harvey.

– She auditioned for Baywatch but didn’t make it.

– She wants to become a pop-star.

 

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