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Crush of the Week

Is racecar driver Danica Patrick for real? Seriously, her name is Danica Patrick, which sounds like a character in a soft-core porn film. She’s twenty-three and gorgeous. She seems smart and self-confident. And she has been known to drive 229 miles an hour. It’s like she’s something cooked up Weird Science-style by nerds in a college laboratory. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

“Zookeepers were stunned to see fifty-three-year-old Bullette energetically mate with her long-term partner Ede last week. But vets warned that after having twenty calves, frisky Bullette is too old to give birth again, adding they were amazed she had shown any interest in sex.” — Ananova report about Europe’s oldest hippo. “It’s like Desperate Housewives meets The Jungle Book,” coos Gwynne, our office manager. “But German.”

“Plastic Potty Helps Pussy Pee.” — Australian ABC. “Did me say something dirw-ty?” we imagine some coy editor over there saying, pinkie-in-dimple, when questioned by a higher-up.

“[President Bush] strongly supports the aggressive and thorough investigation that is already under way.” — The White House’s rather pornographically worded response to the recently released images of Sadaam Hussein wearing nothing but underwear.
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Photos of the Week

In his solo show, Comedy Central’s Jade Esteban Estrada dresses up as gay icons Alexander the Great, Queen Christina of Sweden, Susan B. Anthony, Billie Jean King, Harvey Milk and Mark Bingham.

A graduate student at U.T. Austin sent us this scholarly discourse on the connection between pornography and fishing on TV. And those scholars really stepped up to the plate with the accompanying image.

Similarly, we salute the New York Times photo editor who thought to use this evocative Joseph Cornell image to illustrate the recent story on the evolutionary logic of the female orgasm. (Cornell has been noted for his “asexual Puritan imagination.”)

In the News

The Sundance Channel has greenlit TransGeneration, an original documentary series about four college students undergoing sex-change operations.

Leave it to the Canadians to throw a Hard Liquor and Porn Festival.

R. Kelly’s new album is an “epic urban soap opera” set in a ghetto. According to the email we got about it (yes, we are on R. Kelly’s mailing list), “It’s Desperate Housewives meets Desperate Husbands.”

Ads for WB series Beauty and the Geek were rejected by People and Entertainment Weekly for being too dirty. In a bold stand against censorship, we scanned it out of our Us Weekly for you. Vive la freedom of the press!

The Museum of Sex has introduced a super-swank website project called “Mapping Sex in America,” for when you want to brag about some sexcapade.

Another new confessional website is Cryingwhileeating.com, for when you want to do the opposite of brag.

From Our Inbox

“Off the sexually trodden path, I’ve unexpectedly unearthed the Age-Old answer to why a man can find one woman so irresistible, he will trash his entire life just to get between her thighs. The chapter is going into the new 2005/2006 re-print of my 1993 bestseller Creative Screwing: a woman’s guide to becoming an erotic enchantress of superlustful sex. If you think your readers might be interested in such ground-breaking information, please email me at Proffessorlust@yahoo.com (sic).”

Product Placement

To get the attention of that Star Wars-addicted boyfriend: Princess Leia’s metal bikini.

We got a call yesterday from a Trojan publicist asking if he could send us some mint condoms. “They taste like mint cake!” he said. We don’t know what mint cake is, but we like having swag to give our interns, so we said sure and suddenly we had like a hundred mint condoms on our desk. It’s days like these that our friends working at bookstores hate us most.

According to British tabloids, a thirty-three-year-old Welsh housewife ended up in hospital after wearing Ann Summers vibrating Passion Pants to her local supermarket and then fainting from arousal. She fell, hit her head, and when the paramedics arrived they “found the black leatherette panties still buzzing”. Sounds like a publicity stunt to us.

Tabloid Fodder: The Nice Try Edition

People
Pathetic attempt to coin a term with the endurance of “Bennifer”: “Brangelina.”

Us Weekly
Wrongheaded attempt at patriotism: Shameless image of Jessica Simpson in Iraq making a victory sign and pooching out pink-glossed lips under sunglasses and a helmet.

In Touch
Weirdest monkey thought-bubble: “Oh, how come babes never want to monkey around with me?” wonders a chimp next to an image of Pamela Anderson, who refused to work with a live monkey on the set because she was afraid it would be mistreated.

Star
Most backhanded birth announcement: “Sharon Adopts a Baby 2nd Boy! (sic)” The report insinuates she used a surrogate mother rather than simply adopting, and ends with a line about how she and her husband divorced last year.


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Research assistants: Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Matt Hickman,
Myung Joh and Andy Duncan.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.

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