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The Future of Marriage Edition

"Just having a man that cares for you is reason to be grateful. If that doesn’t put you ‘in the mood,’ he married the wrong woman." — Dr. Laura

Ugly wedding dresses. Ugly bridal headpieces. The "evil bride" wedding planner.

The Catholic Church in Italy revises its wedding vows, replacing the rape-like "I take you" with the hip and groovy "I receive you."

Does your brother want you to dress up like Boy George and marry him and his trashy girlfriend in a rockin’ eighties ceremony?
Here’s where to get ordained:
Universal Life Church "Over 20 million ordained!"
Spiritual Humanism "We can solve the problems of society using a religion based on reason."
Free Will Church "Perform a wedding in a boat!"
Beer Church "Make Beer Church proud of you." (But read the fine print — you have to join the ULC first!)

Speak Spanish and want to brush up on your wife-etiquette? Sign up for classes at Mexican Family School.
"Objective: To form the woman integrally in the arts and sciences of the management of the home, companion of its husband, administrative of the economic resources, promoting in the education of its children, the moral head that need nowadays with the example in the couple, without neglecting its pleasant and modern aspect, as great host in its home.
General Agenda
Part 1: Wife
1. Adaptation of the profile of wife that requires the present reality
2. Characteristics of an excellent wife
3. Sexuality
4. Conflicts and differences; value and sacrifice in the true and mature love
5. Wives, heroines, and widows"

 
The Truth About Bridal Magazines

Bride’s
What the cover says: You too can look almost exactly like Courtney Cox Arquette.
Features: How to look skinny in photos;"There are so many towels to register for — is one kind better than another?;"Hire an elephant to add "pachyderm pizzazz to your wedding."
Best display copy: Tie: "Your personal mating calls: the purr of a Rolls, the thwack of a tennis ball, the charm of a Babyface lyric" and "Sultry moonbeam-colored columns shimmer with evening enticement."
Sexiness factor/foundation: 5/defilement

Martha Stewart Weddings
What the cover says: Weddings are about flowers, not people. 
Features: Rosemary butter cookies; shell seating-card holders; more peonies than you’d think the planet held.
Best display copy: "A single Seckel pear at each setting hints at the bounty of the bowl."
Sexiness factor/foundation: 8/sadomasochism
Modern Bride
What the cover says: Having money sure let’s a girl relax.
Features: "preppy chic" spread, how to use war tactics to find the perfect dress, getting plastic surgery to prepare for your wedding.
Best display copy: "Instead of throwing a spa party, one bride is treating her bridal party to Botox."
Sexiness factor/foundation: 7/fanciness and scariness
 

Photos of the Week

Aspiring First Daughter Alexandra Kerry wears see-through dress to Cannes:

Phallic is out . . . labial is in!

New World Record: naked roller-coaster riding.

 

Quotes of the Week

Britney Spears: "I don’t consider myself sexy at all."
And a report she took a girl back to her hotel after a night out at a gay club.

"I’m 17! I would never get [breast implants]. I just wear fantastic Victoria’s Secret bras." — Lindsay Lohan

Rupert Everett says he’s gay because he wasn’t breastfed as a baby.

"At 18 you can smoke and buy porn, and at 21 you can drink and vote. So why aren’t you as excited about voting as you are about drinking and porn?" — Jake Gyllenhaal

"I’m still boning 18-year-old chicks because I was in Guns ‘N Roses. It happens every day to me, so I’ll fucking take it as far as I can." — Matt Sorum

 
D.C. Sex Scandal of the Week

Washington, D.C. is a swamp. If you had any doubt, look to the sudden fame of giddily whorish 24-year-old Jessica Cutler. Bringing new meaning to the term "entry level," for months she’s been supplmenting her $25K "Staff Ass" (local slang for assistant) salary at Republican Senator Mike DeWine‘s office with some champion gold-digging, detailed over the past two weeks in her alternately preening and petulant blog, Washingtonienne. (Warning: do not be fooled by the fake Washingtonienne that went up recently amid this week’s Cutlermania). Recounting sexual escapades with a variety of men, including a "Chief of Staff appointed by Bush," the original blog became a must-read for those curious about the seamy, hypersexed underbelly of the Republican-controlled region below the Beltway. Sadly, Cutler was only able to document ten days worth of slutdom before being fired by DeWine on Friday for "unacceptable use of Senate computers to post unsuitable and offensive material to an Internet Web log." Naturally, Cutler is now milking her sudden fame as the second coming of Deep Throat (only she’s frustratingly unwilling to name names). — Ada Calhoun

So what are you up to now?
I just did an interview with The Post. The New York Post.

Are you enjoying all this?
Enjoying? I’m trying to make the most of it. Obviously, I was enjoying my life before I was outed [in a coup by Wonkette] or whatever, but now, you know, it’s out of my control, I have to just try to enjoy what parts of it I can.

We’re really curious about what’s going on in D.C. sex-wise.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Is it common for pretty young girls like you to get money from older men?
I think so — money, or gifts, whatever, that’s pretty common in New York as well. I don’t feel that I’m extraordinarily good-looking and I never asked for any of the stuff that was offered, so I’m going to have to say that it is common because I’m not exceptional, you know what I mean?

Yeah. So what kind of habits did you notice among men on the Hill?
Oh. I think that you know, during the day you have to be very professional and conservative but at night people like to have fun. [laughs]

So are they maybe more crazy at night, because they’re so buttoned-up during the day?
I’ve been in Washington a year and that blog was only written in the past ten days. But I’d say, in general, yes. Obviously, you see that in New York too, but I have to say that guys in New York weren’t as bad. [laughs] Um, I’ve asked people, ‘What’s the interest in this story, why is it a big deal?’ And they’re like, ‘Washington is such a conservative town,’ and I have to be like, ‘Well, from my blog and from my own stance here, it is not very conservative!’ [laughs]

So, what about liberals versus conservatives —who’s better?
[laughs] Oh, I don’t know. I’m bipartisan [laughs]. You know, people on the Hill in general are a certain way. It’s conservative all around. But at night, I think, they’re not much different in bed!

Oh, yeah?
No!

The great leveler?
Yeah. [laughs]

I think there would be an expectation that conservatives would be kinkier…
Hmmm…

You know, because they’re more repressed?
No, that’s not necessarily true. [laughs] Let’s not generalize. [laughs]

Fair enough. So can you tell me what D.C. people talk about in bed? Do they discuss politics?
In bed, no, we never talked about that, none of the guys. Not blog guys, not non-blog guys, never talked about that. They did talk about things like wanting to do it in the office, or on, you know, the Senator’s desk, but I’m not referring to anyone in particular. That’s happened to me quite a few times, that they mentioned that, and I thought it was absolutely crazy.

Did you ever do it?
Never, never done it. No. [laughs] But it’s something I’ve noticed amongst men on the Hill, they like to talk about that for some reason.

That’s interesting. So, the Chief of Staff guy, he said that?
He doesn’t work on the Hill, I mean, he works, you know, in government… Actually, he’s a very decent guy. I mean, we had just, like, straight sex.

Yeah?
Yeah.

So he wasn’t into anything particularly kinky?
No! Not at all. You know, we really liked each other. It wasn’t, you know, a john-hooker relationship. I’d been seeing him for a long time — well, since I’d been here, you know, for several months.

Are you still seeing him?
I’m not seeing any of those guys. I think it’s best not to. I feel sorry for what happened, but, you know, a lot of them are in positions where they should know better. I should have known better! [laughs]. In retrospect, it’s like, what the hell were we doing?

You think it was sloppy?
Um, sloppy? You know, I pretty much managed to, you know, manage my time well [laughs]. I mean, I had safe sex and everything. It wasn’t. . . there was nothing. . .yeah, maybe I was taking on more than I could handle [laughs].

But it’s interesting, isn’t it, how sex can make you feel powerful?
Powerful? Um…

To use sex in this way.
Well, now I feel like, you know, they’re probably really worried I’m going to say something. But at the same time, that’s not the kind of person I am, you know? I really liked all these guys. I would never have sex with someone I wasn’t attracted to or whom I didn’t like.

Right.
So, I was probably just greedy [laughs].

I don’t even mean power, like, you can blackmail them, but power just like it’s exciting having sex with all these powerful men.
Isn’t everybody like that? I don’t know, I didn’t really feel powerful. I felt like I was just trying to have a good time. You know, I never really thought of it that way. I mean, it is flattering when you have guys trying to go out with you all the time, but I think anyone would feel that way. So, yeah, I wouldn’t describe it as ‘I felt powerful.’

As far as this Chief of Staff guy, can you tell us who he is?
Um, no, I’m not going to tell anyone about him. He has a family… I have to give that answer because it makes me sound good.

How did money come up? I mean, you met him and you liked him…
Well, he asked what I did, and I think at the time I was actually working at a non-profit, and everyone knows people my age — I mean, I didn’t go to law school or anything — are probably not making a lot of money. And he would ask, ‘What’s going on in your life?’ And I was usually like, ‘Oh, I have to pay this and do this.’ Of course, for someone my age, money is an issue. So he was trying to do a nice thing. He was generous. He was very nice.

So he offered you money before sex even came up?
Um, how did that. . .? I’m trying to remember how the hell it even came up! Well, yeah, he was saying, like, ‘I can’t take you out, I’m married, we can’t be seen anywhere, I can’t take you to dinner, there’s no future here, just so you know. But we like each other, and I want to help you.’ You know, you like each other, you care about each other, that’s what that was about, so he knew I could use it, and I never turned it down.

And where did you meet?
Somebody introduced us. It wasn’t like a pimp or anything. Someone that we both knew.

Uh-huh. So, is there anything that you left off the blog, besides your partners’ names, because you were afraid it was going to get somebody in trouble?
Well, it was written for my friends. Really, it was for a small group of friends. And it was really to save me time,. They would email me all morning, like, ‘What happened with so-and-so?’ I think in a way they were living vicariously through me. But it would take me all morning to get through this stuff. So I actually asked them, ‘Shouldn’t I just have a blog?’ And they were like, ‘If anyone should have a blog, it’s you!’ So I started keeping one and I figured there’s millions of blogs, mine’s never going to be picked up by the radar. You know, it’s just about me, and I’m not that important, and big deal! I didn’t think anyone would care. And then…

Yeah.
It was really for my friends. Like, there’s all this background info, and it’s written in a tone, so, like, some of the things I say, they know what I mean, but people who don’t know me don’t really get it. Most of it, I mean, everything in there is true, because there’s no reason to lie to your best friends. But like, on the other hand, it’s written in a very mocking tone, so it’s hard for people who don’t know me to understand. It’s probably hard for the men whom it’s about to understand why I would talk about them in that way. Like I said, it’s just written for friends. And it’s just kind of shocking, that now I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I have to second guess everything I wrote!’ [laughs]

Yeah, sure. But one thing you’re saying is, ‘Oh, it’s not a big deal, who are we?’ But if one of these guys you’re talking about is someone Bush appointed, prominent and probably conservative, that someone’s going to look like a hypocrite if he’s paying for sex with young women.
Yeah…I don’t really know the particulars about his job. Really, is he a hypocrite? I don’t know. I mean, for me, my job was a job. I worked for a Republican who was against abortion, and probably gay marriage. I don’t feel that way about those things. To me, a job is a job, you know? So now I’m reading things about me, like I’m against gay marriage, and I’m like, ‘No, I’m not! Actually, I’m for it!’ Or whatever. I’m very pro-choice, you know, I’ve had an abortion, it’s not a thing. I was working on the Hill because it’s fun. It was fun, anyway.

So the Chief of Staff wasn’t, like, a Christian Coalition member or something?
I would not know, but I don’t believe so. He never told me if he was.

But he must have been a Republican if he was appointed by Bush?
Probably. I mean, you would hope.

So you’re planning to move to New York?
Yeah. This weekend, I’m supposed to go out with people and stuff. There’s a lot of people who want to meet me.

Well, you’re very exciting!
Oh, God, whatever. Really. I mean, in New York there are so many just like me. There’s some just like me on the Hill, only they didn’t keep a blog.

 

 
In the News

The best lead sentence of the week, from the San Francisco Chronicle: "An eccentric mother who was once so captivated by a mass murderer that she offered to star in pornographic films for him and give him the money took the stand in a Martinez courtroom Thursday to tell a jury about how she provided a false alibi and hid evidence in a quintuple homicide."

The new mission work: American virgins spread the word and the word is No.

A New York City executive racks up $28,000 worth of champagne and lap dancing in a single evening.

 

An Indian villager named Daud Sharifa Khanam is trying to build a mosque for women, with a female priest. Moslem patriarchs have accused her of wanting to start the mosque for the purpose of prostitution. (New Internationalist, May)

 

Dick Blood has coached the Cornell softball team "Big Red" to the NCAA finals.

New on the market: raunchy video games: "Singles: Flirt Up your Life," "a reality simulation of the single life" featuring full-frontal nudity; and "Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude," where the goal is to get laid by hot co-eds. Prediction: porn industry probably safe.

Cop impersonator betrayed by "Miami Vice Pussy Inspector" badge.

A drunk, mostly-naked stripper manages to sneak into a British airport and pass out in a plane’s cockpit, then remain undiscovered for eight hours. Terrorists take cue; start wearing g-strings.

Man’s enthusiastic Vaseline use renders Motel 6 room unusable.

18-year-old Jessica, of Baby Jessica fame, is angry at Stuff magazine, which spoofed her in a recent issue, running a photo of a sexpot model and calling her "Jessica McClain."

Canada will allow morning after pill to be sold over the counter, good news for pro-choice American women who live within 72 hours’ drive of the Canadian border.

Cheating men are more likely to die during sex. Even if they never get caught.

At a party last year, Paris Hilton asked to see Ron Jeremy’s penis. He said he’d show his if she’d show her breasts, so the pair went into a bathroom with Bijou Philips and someone else to play show-and-tell-the Post-a-year-later.

And for her next trick . . . Madonna‘s new show will reportedly show her being executed in an electric chair and pictures of Iraqis being killed.

Did you know. . . the new erotic ezine MickeyandMandy.com is run by writer Roberta Morgan and Michael C. Gross, the art-directing genius behind the Ghostbusters logo and the "Shoot this Dog" National Lampoon cover?

Hooters Calendar girls go to Afghanistan to cheer up the troops.

One of the girls from Tatu, the Russian faux-lesbian pop-duo, is real-pregnant.

 

Scanner appears Tuesdays.
Research Assistant: Sarah Harrison.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.

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