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Crush of the Week

Maybe it’s because she describes herself as a “former right winger who has evolved into a compassionate and progressive populist.” Maybe it’s because she wrote the awesomely titled books The Female Woman and How to Overthrow the Government. Maybe it’s because she lost the love of her life because he wouldn’t marry her (a true romantic figure) and helped her second husband out of the closet (a New romantic figure).

    Whatever the reason, we have seriously warmed up to Arianna Huffington, economist, author, pundit and, now, founder of Yes, of course, we must support a progressive answer to the Drudge Report. Sure, the content — generated by 250 of Arianna’s celebrity associates, from Diane Keaton and Harry Shearer to UK Maxim editor Greg Gutfield — is unpredictable.

    But those facts alone don’t explain why we spent part of a perfectly fine Memorial Day reading up on Arianna. She’s a little bit Congressional Quarterly, a little bit Studio 54. Something tells us that a party at her house would involve lots of good red wine, a lingering handshake with Diane Keaton, at least one perspective-changing conversation about soy-based fuels — and perhaps a bubble machine. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Michael Martin


Quotes of the Week

While we admit we didn’t know what the word “skeet” meant when we heard it on Chappelle’s Show, we did what we always do when we don’t know something: nodded sagely and then Googled the hell out of it. And this is what we discovered: a message board devoted to that very topic. Sample posts:

“Skeet is the sound a guy makes when he is jacking off with a girl (especially if they are using KY jelly).”

“It means slutty whore.”

“Skeet just means simply to sperm on a girl. It is derived from a german word skeeter, which is a girl with sperm on her. So skeet is the process of a man sperming on a girl.”

“I’m rick james biatch.”

Photos of the Week

Leave it to the New York Post to illustrate a piece about city shelters with a nearly life-size photo of kittens and the headline “SEX AND THE KITTY: Cuddly cats facing death.”

Jack Osbourne, naked.

Tom Cruise‘s faux-love makes him want to beat up Oprah.

This cuddly S & M teddy was banned from Zurich’s model bear parade.

Jose Acasuso is really happy about knocking Andy Roddick out of the French Open. Sure gives the BBC Sport tennis headline More Seeds Scattered a filthy overtone.

The Bungee Sexperience, as seen at the NY Erotic Expo, which is where we totally should have been on Friday instead of at that business meeting.

In the News

Christian Slater was arrested for drunkenly grabbing a woman’s ass.

Vanity Fair — of all publications — reveals the identity of Watergate source Deep Throat: it’s a former FBI guy named, for real, “Felt.”

Paris Hilton is engaged to her boyfriend, also named Paris.

Yahoo is being sued for not removing some nude photos of a woman after promising they would. Since when did search engines start acting like bad boyfriends?

Apparently, Viagra might make you go blind. All those repressive mothers who said that’s what happens to masturbators are high-fiving as we speak.

From Our Inbox

“I have a suggestion for the ‘I did it for Science’ section. This one woke me up in the middle of the night. Why don’t a male Nerve employee or whoever test the idea that a bigger basket really do help you get dates more easily than a smaller basket. As in ‘basket’ I mean the size of the male groin area. As in being more ‘hung’ or not. If I need to elaborate more, then . . . I quess you’re just stupid then. Try out asking women for dates or gauging the amount of getting hit on by women for a week or so ‘normal.’ Then a week with an add on, to make the basket bigger. See if its easier to get a date or are hit on by women more frequently. This might settle the question whether women (or gay men) really do take the basket size in account in hitting on you or are more willing to accept a date proposal. It’s not that scientific but might be interesting, particularly for the male readers of Nerve. That’s my idea. Use it or not. I hope I will see it someday soon in that section. Tell it to Grant Stoddard. Or any other male Nerve employee or contributer who are brave enough to do this.”

Men’s-Magazine Watch: June is Bi-Curious Month!

Esquire on Ewan McGregor: “He fairly exudes the Force, a visual musk. It’s his bright blue eyes and small square teeth — not bad for a British subject — and the way the cleft in his chin, his filtrum, and the worry crease between his eyebrows form a strong center line, a heroic vertical . . . Plus, God didn’t stop there — oh, no. The wardrobe folks have poured him into jeans so tight that Ewan’s fleshly light saber bulges forth like a Reek’s horn.” Later, there is more discussion of his penis. Esquire: “I’ve seen it. And I must say, it’s an impressive penis.” McGregor: “I like my penis. There’s no question about that. Yeh.”

GQ on Brad Pitt: “He knows what he’s got, and he’s happy to share; in the middle of conversation, almost as a gift, Pitt will stand, as if treating you to the sight of him drawn up to his full height. Then he’ll lean against a chair and stretch out a hamstring. He’ll also unconsciously self-caress — his upper thigh, his head, reaching into his shirt for a circular feel of his chest; given the exclusive access he has to his body, why not?”

Details on Mark Wahlberg. “He’s not an especially big guy, but he carries himself with brute confidence, relishing the way he presence crackles through the room . . .” It’s all part of his “finely calibrated dance of seduction and menace.”

Product Placement

Forget-Me-Not Panties claim to be the new chastity belt. A homing device and thermometer are built into the underwear, so you can monitor your wife’s or daughter’s location and excitation level. How anything so high-tech can still be 100% cotton eludes us, but if a bunch of British tabloids believe in it, who are we to question?

The website Goodbye Bitch will generate a Dear John letter tailored to your specifications.
Tabloid Fodder


Cutesiest headline: “Thong Time No See.”

Us Weekly

Most casually vulgar photo caption: “Brit’s Bump Gets Biggie-Sized!”

In Touch

Hear, hear, sister: “Meeting a man in a hotel room for a few hours and not seeing that man again for a few months, is about all I can handle right now.” — Angelina Jolie


Double espressos all around at the Star office: “She’s about to give birth! He may be seeing someone else! From virginal to vamp! He’ll do anything for his woman! She wants to go home! Getting ready for BABY! Hollywood’s Hell-Raising Couple! No catfights here! Puppy love! Joined at the lips! Beautiful faces, Freaky Feet! Their rings exposed!”

appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Matt Hickman,
Myung Joh and Andy Duncan.

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