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 REGULARS


Crush of the Week

We’re not in love with Anna Benson because she is the undisputed sexiest wife in Major League Baseball, or because she collects English bulldogs and dresses them up, or because she has a fan club you can join for $84 a year, or even because she said if her husband ever cheated on her she’d fuck every guy on his team, “including the ball boys.” No, we love her because she grabbed Lilian Ross of The New Yorker by the shoulders to illustrate the force by which Kris Benson taught his wife about living right: “You can choose to live your life happy or you can choose to live your life miserable. I choose to live my life happy, so what are you going to do?” Guess what she chose? And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

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Quotes of the Week

“Crazy-good.” — How Britney describes sex during pregnancy. Kinda makes you nostalgic for her self-righteous virgin days, doesn’t it?

Photos of the Week

Eek! Patrick Swayze’s porn-star doppelganger.

The women’s movement:

1978: Ground — despicably — into hamburger by Larry Flynt.

2005: Ground — quirkily — into hamburger by Hollywood.

You’ve come a long way, baby!

Ladies and Gentlemen, (allegedly) Mrs. Donald Trump.

Napoleon Dynamite’s wet dream, currently making the inbox rounds: a redhead and a Liger.

In the News

Sara Gilbert, her lesbian parter and their son are moving into Tobey Maguire’s house. When we weren’t looking, did reality TV and actual reality become the same thing?

TV condom ads are ready for primetime. In related news, Condom Reef is discovered in the South Pacific. Just because it’s been debunked, doesn’t mean it doesn’t live on in our hearts!

Jessica Cutler, whom we interviewed a year ago in her heady Washingtonienne days, now has a roman a clef, and a lawsuit.

There’s talk of assigning porn sites the web address .xxx.

Turns out the cool kids actually were having more fun than you.

Charles Lindbergh had a really good motive for those cross-Atlantic flights. Namely, three wives in Germany.

Quality Control

When the Trojan’s new Mint Tingle condoms arrived one morning at the Nerve office, every package had been snatched up by the end of the day. It seems none of us can resist the lure of the free prophylactic; hell, even the Gene Simmons “tongue-lubricated” condoms were quick to go. Most us have remained silent about our minty sex experiences — however, one staff member has volunteered to set the record straight on the myth and reality of the Mint Tingle condom. (Note: all claims are taken from the back of the condom package.)

In theory: “Mint Flavor and Scent, for sensual enjoyment”

In practice: Tester finds herself wondering if toothpaste would make a good lube. Prior to using this product, she had never associated toothpaste with any body part except teeth. She wishes she could go back to this simpler time.

In theory: “Water-Based Lubricant, for a smooth, non-oily, natural feel”

In practice: Tester feels as though she has been iced (as in cupcake, not murder victim). Feeling is gooey but not unpleasant.

In theory: “Bright, Vivid, Color, enhances the experience.”

In practice: Tester squeals “It’s green! You have a greenis!” then collapses into giggles. Experience is enhanced accordingly.

In theory: “Made from Premium Quality Latex, to help reduce the risk.”

In practice: The risk of what? Tester imagines it’s a draw between STDs and bad breath.

In conclusion, the tester experienced a lot of mint, not much tingle, and the satisfaction of a quality free condom. Also, it was green. Extremely green.

Product Placement

“The fiberglass Placentero lounge chair got its name from combination of two words linked to the pregnancy period, ‘placenta’ and ‘pleasure.'”

Wallpaper for singles. Adrian “would love to show you his personal record collection.”

To the many attentive Nerve readers who wrote this week to let us know the Forget Me Not panties we mentioned — in a very nudge-nudge-wink-wink fashion, we thought — in last week’s Scanner are fake, may we suggest that perhaps the reason newscasters aren’t calling us the Greatest Generation is that we’re using our eye for corruption to be all, “No way those panties have GPS technology.”

Tabloid Fodder: The Second-Wave Feminist Perspective

People

Oh Jesus, there’s Britney talking “All About My Baby” because she doesn’t care about how much money she has or how hot her career is — she just cares about being pregant and barefoot or flip-flopped. Sheesh. Lame.

Us Weekly

Katie Holmes, successful actress, brainwashed and “Getting Married!” as if that’s all there is to life. The other coverlines are just as bad. “Paris: ‘I’m so in love;’ “Angelina talks about Brad;” and “Lindsay’s Plan to Get Healthy.” How depressing that we still define women, even rich, successful ones, exclusively by men and/or their bodies.

In Touch

Hmm. Strangely progressive. A two-page spread of male stars in their underwear counteracts the breast-size analysis that precedes it.

Star

Eeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeekkkkkk! [Cover shows a nearly naked Jessica Simpson; coverline is “JESSICA: HOTTER THAN EVER! HOW CAN NICK LEAVE HER NOW!”]



Scanner
appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison and Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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