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Photos of the Week
Rod
Stewart’s package featured in this week’s Star; millions
blinded.
Philadelphia is
for lovers.
Christina
Aguilera
-as-streetwalker. (via Fleshbot)
Ménage à Elmo (with Diane Sawyer and Oprah).

Sex and the City‘s Jason Lewis sues Absolut for
using his image for this ad, because he refuses
"to endorse alcohol, tobacco, or guns." (via Gawker)

 

Moscow
bank protesters creatively express
concern over their assets.

Snoop Dogg
watches lustily as Paris
Hilton and Carmen Electra
pull a Madonna-and-Britney at
the MTV Movie Awards.
Contrary
to appearances in this week’s People, Prince William is
not rushing a frat.

 

 
Quotes of the Week


"

It
is hard to pinpoint exactly when it became safe to be a stupid
slut on television." — the opening line of a
recent New York Times column by everyone’s new favorite
TV critic Alessandra
Stanley
.

"Long
before she exposed her right breast to the world during the Super
Bowl halftime show, Janet Jackson says she had thoughts about
sex," writes
the AP in a revelatory story about Janet
Jackson
, who elaborates, terrifyingly: "My first crush
was on Barry Manilow. He performed on television, and I remember
taping it. When no one was around, I used to kiss the screen."


CNN: "You did an ‘uncut’ video for your song ‘Booty Poppin’, and Nelly’s
explicit ‘Tip Drill’ video was recently the subject of protests. What do you
think about the controversy over such soft-core porn videos?"

Ludacris:"I
would say to people who criticize, they’re scared of the truth, because this
is what’s going on, it’s like watching the news."

"We’re under the impression that we do need romantic love, which leaves a lot of people feeling inadequate. People don’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend to give life meaning; they’re complete already." — Ethan Hawke (now separated from Uma Thurman) doth protest too much in this week’s Star.

 

In the News



Trend
watch: Porno
karaoke
hits New York.

The
nineteen-year-old woman accusing Kobe Bryant of assault will
not be referred to as "victim" during
the trial, rules a Colorado judge.

Cosmopolitan weighs
in on international
affairs
by naming South African and Israeli women among
the top "doing-it divas." Why Israeli women? " In
Israel, women join the army at the age of eighteen, and their
fast, high-adrenaline lifestyle spills over into their sex
lives."

The Chinese
government will be choosing Britney
Spears
‘ stage costumes when she performs there to keep
her from showing too much skin; they probably won’t pick this.

Croatian pop star Severina Vuckovic’s sex tape appears on the web.

A little Aussie
girl has two
mommies
in
a controversial kid’s show called Play School
.

More proof that people with really good credit should not be hanging out at strip clubs: A New York City man is suing Scores for charging $129,646 to his credit cards for just seven hours of booze and lap dances.

Swedish woman asks the government to stop her neighbors from having loud sex.

The San Francisco cops almost fired for appearing in porn flick Bus
Stop Whores
are
getting married.

The BBC is developing a new show on which couples will have sex and experts
will rate them; it’s called The
Sex Inspectors
.

It’s
official:
the National Bureau of Economic Research in the United States
says the
more sex people have, the happier they are
.

A group of high
school seniors in Ohio are banned from graduation for crossdressing.

New Jersey bans Ladies’ Nights at bars.

Psychology Today (June) looks into "mate-poaching." Up to 20 percent of long-term relationships begin when one or both partners are involved with others, according to a recently released study known as the International Sexuality Description Project. In North America, 62 percent of men and 40 percent of women say they’ve attempted to entice another’s mate for a short-term fling.

The Democratic National Committee
will hold its pre-convention party at the L
Street Bathhouse
.

The Episcopal church blesses a gay couple’s union.

A journalism professor
at the University of Oregon assigned a student to run naked
through a golf course
as part of a workshop on “creatively facing fear.”

 

Sex-Terminology
Scandal of the Week


Al Franken apologized under pressure to intersex people after they complained about this joke:

TRANSCRIPT

The O’Franken Factor

Aired about 12:10pm on June 2, 2004

Air America Radio

Host Al Franken: We caught [FOX News and talk radio host Sean] Hannity in another lie. The guy just will not stop […] And Hannity knows this, and it’s just tiresome. We continuously debunk Hannity’s lies but it doesn’t make any difference. He keeps on repeating
lies we debunk and then he tells other lies that he knows are lies. And he forces us to resort to the only weapon… welcome to today’s edition of Fighting Hannity’s Lies With Lies About Hannity. […]

AF: Okay, today’s lies about Hannity. Remember this isn’t true. That’s important — this is a lie. Not true.

AF: Hannity was born a hermaphrodite.

Co-host Katherine Lanpher: What?

AF: It’s not true. Not just a hermaphrodite, but a conjoined twin who is also
hermaphrodite. They were conjoined at both sets of genitals. Remember this isn’t
true, it’s a lie. The doctor in the delivery room said he’d never seen a more
hideously freakish creature in his life, Sean and Shawn, S-H-A-W-N. They were
separated
at age 14 by a drunk carnival barker using a [inaudible] stolen from a bearded
lady, who was Sean’s mother and father. Remember, none of this is even remotely
true,
it’s a lie. Anyway, Sean nearly bled to death but survived and now has a quarter
of a vagina and three-quarters of a penis. Remember this isn’t true. But in a
sense it is far less [inaudible] lie than the lies this three-quarter man tells
everyday. And we here at The O’Franken Factor, we feel that it’s our duty to
keep lying about Hannity as long as he insists on lying to America. That was
today’s Fighting Hannity’s Lies With Lies About
Hannity.

 
Tabloid Fodder
People

Cover: "Twins for Julia!"

Within: Roberts has morning sickness, Paul Bremer prepares for the handover of
power in Iraq, Prince William runs with the sheep (see photo above; only reason
the magazine rates more than a 2 this week).

Sex promised/delivered: 6/5. Alternately sunny and
apocalyptic, People is
an all-around turnoff.
Us Weekly

Cover: "Here Comes the Bride!"

Within: A Playboy-style round-up of July covergirls, e.g. "Avril
Lavigne; lunch: veggies and nuts." Many shirtless men. Quoting Anna Nicole
Smith (from FHM) on the best sex she’s ever had: "A ghost would crawl
up my leg and have sex with me. . . I was like, Well, you know what? He’s never
hurt me and he just gave me some amazing sex, so I have no problem." (The
word ‘no’ of course is a stand-in here for ‘massive and
unconquerable.’)

Sex promised/delivered: 5/9. Us Weekly is trying really hard to catch
up to Star,
but a distressing propriety prevails. Exclamation
points and privacy infringement they can do, but soulless prurience? Still a
long
way
to go.
Star

Cover: "Kate Hudson: New Baby! New Body!"

Within: Brandy’s deflating breasts, Britney’s pregnancy scare, Don Johnson’s
failing finances, Average Joe’s far-from-average sex moves, and the
grossest
headline
of all time: "Halle says: I need a Sperminator."

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. There is a special circle of hell for everyone
who contributes to the existence of this magazine, but we’d much rather be there
than up in heaven with the editors of People.
 

Scanner appears Tuesdays.

Research assistant:
Sarah Harrison.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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