European safe sex ads are so much more hardcore than ours!

This photo arrived in our inbox as part of an invitation to Porn Week in Prague. Girls, haven't we all been to parties with guys doing this exact same thing, if with just a touch more subtlety?

It's like being in Kevin Arnold's head — while he's masturbating.

How's this for a Position of the Day?

Jon Heder wins an MTV Movie Award in the "Huh, he's actually sort of hot" category.

"Entertainment News: Sex, drugs, sex, death and sex." — Looks like someone writing headlines at CNN.com is a feeling a little punchy. Here's another one, in weather: "Keys could feel Arlene later today." And they just keep coming! We checked just now and in addition to the Jackson charges color-code chart there was a video of an Israeli scientist who says Jesus died from deep vein thrombosis as well as the twinned headlines "Four people talking about suicide" and "Report: Paris Hilton to retire in 2 years."

"Oh, man, do I love Katie Holmes, who is a woman. And I also love women, in general. Imagine the Beastie Boys' song 'Girls,' but change the title to 'Women,' and replace the word 'girls' each time it's used with 'women,' and you'll start to have an idea of how I feel about women." — Tom Cruise quote concocted by Yankee Potroast. 

"So I was at the gym on the bikes and I was watching CNN and on the scroll at the bottom it said that a ninety-one year old guy was named "Deep Throat"! And I was all, that is totally a porno name!" — Political commentary from OverheardinNY.com.

"I represent a nationally recognized zoo. Due to the curious nature of this request, I cannot disclose the name of the zoo. We recently purchased a female orangutang to mate with our prize male. The problem is a couple of animal trainers were having relations with the male. He has since lost all interest in mating with females of his species. The zoo I represent has authorized me to offer $10,000 to a woman that can "fluff" the male and get him to inseminate the female. You and I will meet only once. You will be shown pictures of the orangutang at that meeting. I cannot email you a pic in advance as he is very famous and quite recognizable. The only other person that will see you is one of the animal trainers. He will be standing by with a tranquilizer gun in case the female gets jealous, or the male gets a little too rough. You can let the trainer know up front whether you are into the rough stuff. We are anticipating a huge response, so to save time please include a pic and brief bio/resume. I can share these with the orangutang in advance. All info sent will be destroyed. Thank you and the millions of youngsters who will love to see any baby orangs you help bring into existence."

Dortmund, Germany is planning to build sex huts to facilitate prostitution at the next World Cup. And to think New York City doesn't even have public restrooms!

An eighty-year-old grandmother was arrested on prostitution charges.

A man at the University of Kentucky claims he was fired for cross-dressing.

The author Edward Klein alleges in a new book that Bill Clinton raped his wife to conecive Chelsea.

Candace Bushnell's new book, Lipstick Jungle, is reportedly about a Si Newhouse-like character who is "the owner, president and CEO of Ratz Neste Publishing."

Rod Stewart's fiancée is pregnant.

Gwynne, our office manager, tracked down the Bob Jones University dress code to make us all feel better about our lives.

For Men:

Hair must be cut in a traditional, conservative style — not shaved, spiked, tangled, or shelved.

Sideburns should not extend past the middle of the ear.

Abercrombie & Fitch and its subsidiary Hollister have shown an unusual degree of antagonism to the name of Christ and an unusual display of wickedness in their promotions. In protest, we will not allow articles displaying their logos to be worn, carried, or displayed (even if covered or masked in some way).

For Women:

Classroom/general dress consists of a dress or top and skirt; however, pants may be worn for some recreational activities. Shorts may never be worn outside the residence halls and fitness center.

All dresses, skirts, pants, and shirts must be loose-fitting, having a minimum of three inches of ease at bust and hips. An informal way to measure ease is to stand up straight and pinch the loose fabric on both sides of the hips or at the bust line. Without stretching the fabric, there should be at least a 3/4-inch fold of fabric on both sides.

Hairstyles should be neat, orderly, and feminine. Avoid cutting-edge fads and cuts so short that they take on a masculine look.

Porn bread.

The Free Katie T-shirt, to really piss off those Scientologists you pass on your way to work.

1. Are you most intrigued by:

A: Celebrity babies, serial killers and the "official story."

B: Celebrity babies, feuds, and shopping without makeup on.

C: Celebrity babies, break-ups, and fad diets.

D: Celebrity babies, "second thoughts" and debauchery.

2. Your friends are most likely to call you:

A: Sweet

B: Fun

C: Smart

D: Crazy

3. The celebrity you most resemble in character is:

A: Jennifer Garner / Ben Affleck

B: Jessica Simpson / Nick Lachey

C: Lindsay Lohan / Paris Hilton

D: Whoever's throwing things at lackeys this week

4. The person you would most like to sleep with is:

A: Anyone on American Idol or Desperate Housewives

B: Denise Richards or Jude Law

C: Paula Abdul or Russell Crowe

D: Courtney Love or David Beckham

Tally your answers.

If you have mostly A's: You feign wholesomeness, but have dark thoughts. You are People.

If you have mostly B's: You are shameless, but democratic. You are Us Weekly.

If you have mostly C's: You are deeply cynical but still cry at weddings. You are In Touch.

If you have mostly D's: You are whorish, manipulative, and the life of the party. You are Star.