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Photos of the Week



Totally-fake-but-so-what photo of Nicky
Hilton wearing nothing but body
paint
.
Via Fleshbot.

An ad for The Stepford Wives shows Hillary Clinton baking cookies and Condoleezza Rice topless.


 
Quotes of the Week


"I’m too happy is what it is. . ." Marc Anthony says of his marriage to Jennifer Lopez. "There’s nothing like having a life."

 

In the News


British bookies bet Dov Charney, the founder of hip T-shirt company American Apparel, masturbates repeatedly in front of Jane reporter Claudine Ko in its June/July issue. "Masturbation in front of women is underrated," he
tells her.

Artist Andrea Fraser‘s Untitled, 2003 is a 60-minute video of her having sex with a collector who paid for the work.

Gaining on Mary-Kate and Ashley in the race to raise an army of creepy stalkers: the Bush twins.

Simpsons strip down for Japanese soda ad.

A teenage boy was not allowed to bring the porn star he won on Howard Stern to his prom.

Having waited patiently
for their time to come, here they are, scuttling out of the woodwork: gay
divorce attorneys
.

Despite all that farmboy groping
on The Simple Life, Nicole Ritchie claims to still be a virgin.

HBO’s Sex and the City has been cleaned up for its syndication on TBS. The New York Times‘ Arts section In this month’s installment of the Smoking Gun’s Novelist Allison Burnett has to come out of the closet as straight after the literary world conflates him with his gay narrator.

Emulating dollar stores, a new Web site called idownloadporn.com offers 16 minutes of streaming video from new releases for $0.99.

This week’s updates to the OED include: omnisexual, oral eroticism, bicycle shorts, horizontal refreshments, and the phrase: "to grab (also take) by the balls."

Get yer hot Commie chicks here: the National Bolshevik Party has posted a “Girlfriends” page.

The Source should not have published Eminem’s black-woman-bashing lyrics, says the unfortunately named Judge Gerard E. Lynch, who goes on to compare the rapper to Benny Goodman, Elvis Presley and Paul Simon.

Peruvian President Alejandra Toledo loses his seventh cabinet member since November when it turns out the agriculture minister’s son runs a brothel that employs underage prostitutes.  

The Chicken Ranch brothel
is for
sale
. Just $7 million.

Czech porn star runs for parliament.

Sperm kits promise parents gender choice.

Brtiney Spears is coming out with her own perfume. It will be called Curious.

In her upcoming thriller, Nicole Kidman reportedly bathes nude with a 10-year-old
boy
she believes to be the reincarnation of her husband.

1,000-year-old padded bra discovered in China.

Verne Troyer, a.k.a. Mini-Me, says he was never legally married to Genevieve Gowman, but she’s circulating a copy of their marriage license.

Another one of those sex studies done by people who really just sit around in white lab coats drinking margaritas all day finds: Rich people don’t have more sex. Marrieds have more sex than singles. "Happiness-maximizing" number of partners: 1.

Residents vote to keep their
village’s name, even though their signs keep getting stolen. The town’s name? Fucking.

 
Tabloid Fodder




On the cover: Ronald Reagan and the uncharacteristially cynical coverline "J.Lo Gets Married! Is She Pregnant?"

Within: Lots of Reagan nostalgia, the Laci Peterson trial, a moving-company scam, and Josh Groban.

Hottest headline: "Pack Your Sword" (in a war reenactment round-up)

Sex promised/delivered: 4/3.Hmmm … wha? Sorry, we fell asleep.
On the cover: "Inside J. Lo’s Wedding! Exclusive Photos"

Within: Bare-chested reality-TV stars, Heather Graham in a t-shirt that reads "I think therefore I’m single," Angelina Jolie says, "I have lovers."

Hottest headline: "Racy Lacy Ladies"

Sex promised/delivered: 7/8. If you like your celebrities casually dressed, a little fuzzy, and strolling across a beach, this is the magazine for you.
On the cover: "Best and Worst Beach Bodies." Photo of cellulite-y legs has this teaser: "Guess who?"

Within: Who = Jerry Hall. Eminem has the "best butt." Britney is "busted, bloated, and banned!" Anna Nicole "breaks a rib, not a boob!" Flesh, from glorious to decrepit, abounds.

Hottest headline: "Girly Girl Kiss of the Week" (Carmen Electra and Paris Hilton)

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. Bonnie Fuller, Star‘s zen priestess of an editorial director, knows that state funerals and weddings should be relegated to the sidelines in favor of one of the Four Noble Truths: decay (of muscle tone).

Scanner appears Tuesdays.

Research assistant:
Sarah Harrison.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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