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Crush of the Week

NY1 News may be the Muzak of morning television in New York, but after watching Roger Clark, the station’s General Assignment Reporter, we wouldn’t be surprised if millions of New Yorkers tuned in daily just to see him in action. The pear-shaped Bronx-born correspondent’s labored breathing and flushed face after a thirty-second salsa lesson (endured for one of last week’s segments) suggest he hasn’t seen the inside of a gym since college. And when he talks, the extra chin cascading over his top button is so pronounced that we’re tempted to petition that he be allowed to wear a T-shirt on air, or at least be permitted to go tie-less.

    He’s also the ultimate Charmingly Schlubby New York Guy: a former drummer with a dream of playing second base for the Mets. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Tobin Levy

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Quotes of the Week

How will this software get my users laid should be on the minds of anyone writing social software (and these days, almost all software is social software).” — A post about GroupWare.

“A bow tie says, ‘I have no penis.’ . . . It says, ‘I shower more than is really normal or healthy.'” — An anonymous tipster quoted by Dana Stevens.

“The hottest way to do your meats this year is to jerk ’em.” — Cooking advice from Hooters magazine, which our editor-in-chief bought us today on his lunch hour. We suspect that if we waitressed at Hooters our manager wouldn’t get us a Nerve subscription on his lunch hour, and that’s one of several reasons why we work here and not there.
Photos of the Week

Do you think she had Bill sign her shirt?

Because one of the requirements for becoming an engineer is that you must never have had sex.


The debut of the chocolate skirt.

Here is the composite sketch of the flasher known as Naked Zorro. “Officials are asking that if you see this man to not confront him.” But officials say nothing about merchandising.

In the News



This week, the Styles section of the Times continues its rather quixotic obsession with how not to seem gay (see also their piece on negotiating the Man Date). May we now direct your attention to the King Missile song, “Gay/Not Gay” which (we thought) cleared up all the confusion back in the ’90s.

Since artificial insemination came to the Galapagos Islands, male tortoises are dying virgins, according to Popbitch: “The males perform their ancient mating rituals with the females and, instead of being met with passive compliance, as they have been for generations, they are spat at, bitten and rejected.”

According to IMDB, Ben Affleck’s favorite on-set prank is “to press his scrotum against the back of someone’s neck. More recently, costar Christina Applegate had the misfortune to see Affleck put his junk on a briefcase that was being filmed.”

It Could Be Worse

You could be in a high-pressure polyamorous partnership as portrayed in this short video called “Polly Wally.” Music by Devendra Banhart and the Hidden Cameras!

Or you could be subject to the Liberty University Code of Conduct. Highlights include:

Six reprimands + $25 fine for

– Attendance at a dance

– Entering entryway of opposite sex on campus or allowing the same

Twelve reprimands + $50 fine for

– Attendance at, possession or viewing of, an “R,” “NC-17” or “X”-rated movie

– Entering the residence hallway of the opposite sex or allowing the same

– Entering the space above ceiling tiles [Ed. note: What the fuck?]

– Out of residence hall overnight or substantial portion of the night without permission (after 2:00 a.m.)

Thirty reprimands + $500 fine for

– Abortion

– Spending the night with a person of the opposite sex

– Involvement with witchcraft, séances or other satanic or demonic activity

Product Placement

Back in college, we had a friend with a single pick-up technique:  flicking open a slim 1920s cigarette case and offering you a smoke.  (Curiously, this seemed to work best on non-smokers.)  Now that smoking is banned in New York bars, we hope he has discovered Oral Fixation mints, with their similarly sexy cases and their self-conscious resemblance to narcotics. In any case, several dozen tins were shipped to our office last week and our desk has smelled like “Seven Deadly Cinnamon” ever since.

Just what the world needs: a vibrator shaped like a woman.

Tabloid Fodder

People

Alicia Silverstone got married and “the bride went barefoot on a rocky beach.”

Us Weekly

Skinny Nicolas Cage is a “Manorexic!”

In Touch

Jennifer Aniston is holed up in a $5,000-a-night suite with “no one but her bodyguard and personal assistant to keep her company.”

Star

Camryn Manheim “reached out and playfully jostled her co-stars’ [Megan Mullaly’s and Debra Messing’s] breasts at the June 10th event.”



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison, David Diehl and Skye Tyler.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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