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Crush of the Week

The
Simple Life 2
is
on the air and, once again, poor, heroin-posessing Nicole
Richie is overshadowed by the bleached, depraved celebrity
of Paris Hilton. Nicole is chubbier, shorter, less famous,
less obscenely wealthy. She has neither chihuahua nor sex
tape, and without that head-tilted, lowered-lids, jaunty-but-aloof
pose that Paris adopts the second a camera approaches,
Nicole winds up frequently looking awkward, like the tag-along,
the "friend." But just like in high school, the
one you’ve written off is the one you find yourself thinking
about long after the star cheerleader has ceased tossing
her perfect golden hair in your longing- and sun-drenched
memory. Last week on Late Night with David Letterman, Paris
insisted that the way she comes off on the ostensible
reality
show — as
a languid, sheltered, self-involved princess — is
merely a role she’s playing, an acting exercise. But it’s
clear from the show that Nicole is the one who’s created
the more dramatically challenging part for herself — shallow,
reckless, oversexed — and it’s also clear that
she’s the one who’s really making things happen in these
little towns. She brazenly calls a pimply thirteen-year-old
boy "sexy," unnerving everyone within earshot.
In fact, she calls almost everyone variations on her favorite
word ("hot"), because she has discovered that
it makes people nervous and making people nervous is apparently
what she lives for. She is the one who gets drunk and wrecks
the pool table in a blackout, who flirts so intently that
the show’s production team has to keep reaching for ever
more wha? reaction-shot sound effects. And unlike
Paris, when Nicole talks to reporters, she doesn’t tell
them she’s a serious actress; she tells them she’s a virgin.
And for that she is our crush of the week. — Ada
Calhoun

 
Quote of the Week

"I did spend, you know, at least
a decade taking my clothes off and being photographed, saying
bad words on TV, and, you know, that sort of thing … I don’t
regret it, but it’s just … I mean everybody takes their clothes
off now. And then what?" – Madonna

 

Photo of the Week

At the Museum of Erotica in St. Petersburg, a remarkably calm visitor examines Rasputin’s penis.

 
Road Trip of the Week

Two
British women clad in stylish pink racer suits will drive 4,000-miles
through Eastern Europe in a 3-wheeled Reliant Robin styled to
look like Lady Penelope’s pink FAB1 Rolls Royce. The vehicle
will be chock full of condoms and sex toys and will be accompanied
by other cars, including Starsky and Hutch’s cruiser and the
Dukes of Hazzard’s General Lee. The journey, sponsored by British
sex toy company LoveHoney, starts on July 2nd is expected to
last two weeks. "We want to spread the safe sex message
as far as possible. We think we can fit about 10,000 condoms
in the
boot
of the FAB1 Robin Reliant," says Jenny, 27. Follow the crusade’s
progress here.

 
In the News

Anita Hill gloats over her morning paper: Justice Clarence Thomas is the lone dissent in the recent 8-1 Supreme Court decision making employers more liable for sexual harassment.

Why girls often defy the odds and get knocked up the first time they have sex: they’re more likely to feel lusty when they’re fertile.

A Minnesota woman bit off part of her boyfriend’s tongue while they were making out. "I guess I bit down too hard," she said.  

 

Missouri bans sexy billboards, leaving Kansas City drivers in a gloomy state of "Red Hot Nudes!" withdrawal.

 

Screw decent pay and benefits: a school district superintendent in Kentucky paid for female teachers to go to Chippendale’s in order to boost morale.

New York Magazine‘s latest issue has a subscribers-only cover of a stark naked model walking up Park Avenue. (Carefully placed coverlines keep the magazine from requiring a brown wrapper.)

 
Tabloid Fodder




People

Cover: Orlando Bloom. "50 Hottest Bachelors."

Within: Some eligible, attractive male celebrities and some eligible, average-looking non-celebrities. Pink kissing Tommy Lee on the beach. Fretting about Britney’s canceled tour.

Sex promised/delivered: 5/6. The typically staid magazine is suddenly overusing the word "datability."

Us Weekly

Cover: J. Lo. "Getting Ready for Baby!"

Within: "Hollywood’s hottest summer accessories? Big shades — and a baby!" "Peek-a-boob!" "Spears and Snoop sex it up."

Sex promised/delivered: 6/7. Nipples flying out of dresses: sexy. Infant-as-purse: not so sexy.

In Touch

Cover: The Olsen Twins. "Will Money Split Them?"

Within: Very Divorce Court-y treatment of the 18-year-old sisters; David Beckham in tighty-whities next to headline "Bend It Like Beckham;" Orlando Bloom’s chest wig. "Colin Farrell helped then-pregnant girlfriend, model Kim Bordenave, satisfy her craving for In-N-Out. (The burger place.)

Sex promised/delivered: 7/9. Satisfyingly shameless and a bargain at $1.99.

Star

Cover: Drew Barrymore and Courteney Cox Arquette. "Joy! Drew to Wed! Courteney’s Baby Girl! Exclusive Details!"

Within: Two pages of celebrities eating bananas. Terrifying before and after photos of David Gest in the "Knifestyles" section.

Sex promised/delivered : 9/9. Bananas!

Scanner appears Tuesdays.

Research assistant:
Sarah Harrison.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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