The Polish Tourism Council came up with a witty response to France's xenophobic fear that "Polish plumbers" were stealing jobs from French workers. The Polish Plumber, portrayed by twenty-one-year-old model Piotr Adamski, assures the world he has no intention of leaving Poland — except, that is, for a short trip to the Eiffel Tower where he'll try to drum up tourism.
    "He's too lacquered, too handsome and too clean to be on a work site," a real Polish plumber said of the model in the Times. "He looks like something out of an X-rated fantasy film about women who are waiting for the plumber to come." Sure is. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

"Then there's randy old Herbie, whose cutesy-poo affection for a spanking-new yellow VW bug turns a little too adult when his antenna salutes in attention. The family-friendly joke seems to be 'Look, kids, those cars want to fuck!'" — From the Onion AV Club review of Herbie: Fully Loaded.

"Anderson pulls away long enough to set his plate on the coffee table and wipes his fingers clean again before pulling Jon close, toying with the older anchor's graying hair amusedly." — Every once in a while, something makes searching the internet for sex-related items worthwhile. Case in point: Jon Stewart/Anderson Cooper slash fiction.

"I'm terribly heterosexual . . . One of the biggest disappointments in my life is men. Just appalling." — Annie Lennox.

"You will never see me in a nude scene . . . I think there are other things you can do to show people you have talent." — Lindsay Lohan, getting a little uppity on Access Hollywood.

"I would need less than the fingers of one hand to count them all. I have had lots of boyfriends, but I did not have sex with most of them." — Mariah Carey tallies her sexual partners.

"Getting the New York Times to explain the real operation of social class in America is, at the end of the day, a lot like granting your parents exclusive license to explain sex to you: there are simply far too many conflicts that run far too deep to result in any reliable account of how the thing works." — Chris Lehmann in The Boston Phoenix.

St. Lukes Hospital: I love your blue eys — m4m

You checked my knee and scheduled me for a surgery.

There was something so familiar in your eyes.

I want to see you again.

In private.

Game girl — m4w

i see you playing your ltd. ed. gameboy

in the morning

on your way to work.

i would love to have a girlfriend

who played a ltd. ed. gameboy

in the morning

on her way to work.

you should look up every now and again.

"How To Lift and Swing a Man with Your Teeth," from How to Perform Strong Man Stunts, copyright 1952.

This crocheted nude had its genitals covered up by crocheted codpiece two days into a gallery show. Meanwhile, Justice's boobs were uncovered. One step back, one step forward.

The winner of the Phallic Logo Awards, from the Brazilian Institute for Oriental Studies. We're actually sort of partial to the Atherton Car Center.

Speaking of logos, check out this theory about the naughty medieval origins of Starbucks's siren symbol.

Insert baseball pun here.

"It's My Party" singer Lesley Gore came out as a lesbian. If she were also a Jehovah's Witness, she could join this support group.

Britney Spears will reportedly pull a Demi, posing naked and pregnant this summer for Vanity Fair.

Jack Nicholson reportedly requested Martin Scorsese add cocaine and a dildo to his new film, The Departed.

Pimp my teeth!

Jesse's Foot-Shaped Masturbator

People

What it looks like: Insane Tom Cruise chose to marry innocent Katie Holmes as part of a cynical publicity stunt.

What we hope it is: Skeptical mastermind Katie Holmes is plotting a cold-blooded, single-handed takedown-from-within of the Church of Scientology.

Us Weekly

What it looks like: The babies of Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen benefit from an amicable custody arrangement.

What we hope it is: Those kids will one day write the best tell-alls ever.

Star

What it looks like: Brad and Angelina are tormenting Jen with their flagrant affair, in the pages of W and elsewhere.

What we hope it is: This whole thing is a big cover-up, and in fact all three stars are dating Jen's "friend and hairstylist," Chris McMillan.

In Touch

What it looks like: Nick and Jessica are fighting over money.

What we hope it is: Nick and Jessica are fighting over Chris McMillan.