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Crush of the Week

"I don’t like the glamorous nights so much," says Dodgeball star Vince Vaughn. "I usually leave depressed and I don’t know why." Well, maybe it’s because he was raised in the fun-is-evil Midwest (sisters: Valerie, Victoria + dogs: Viking, Vero, Vladimir = really brutal silences at Thanksgiving), from which he emerged a cross between sleepy-eyed hunk and lonely fat kid. And now he has that glow of the fat kid at last accepted, the hunk finally appreciated for his mind. Last week, Vaughn sold his concept for a film adaptation of Speed Racer to Warner Brothers. He will play Speed’s mysterious brother Racer X, who prefers to bring about world peace through his secret agent work rather than merely being one of the greatest drivers in the world. So typically humble! Vaughn’s said that instead of fancy parties, he likes "the local bar with money in the jukebox and a pretty girl next to me." For that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

 
Quotes of the Week

"Don’t be cunts. Be nice." — Kevin Kline’s career advice for New York Observer reporters at the De-Lovely premiere. Wife Phoebe Cates followed with,"I’m sorry, but it’s true." You know what they say: the couple that uses the c-word on the red carpet together, stays together.

"You open the elevator and she’s naked in there. The doorman will say: ‘She was naked, running through the lobby.’ It’s great, you know? Adds a little excitement to the building. She’s a sweetheart." — Lenny Kravitz on the joys of having Courtney Love as a neighbor.

 

"Children are our future. Germans need to work more on that again in bed. Things mustn’t get to the stage where German men are scoffed at abroad for being limp." — Johannes Singhammer, a member of parliament and father of six.

 

Photos of the Week
Madonna shows off her piety: E is for Esther!
Italian soccer player Antonio Cassano give himself a wedgie to protest Italy’s elimination from the Euro 2004.

 

The U.K.’s first naked shopping event is held in London.

 
Sports Discussion of the Week

"What happens when we play North Texas?" mused a a fan at the University of Colorado’s unaffiliated sports site. (When playing Nebraska, the board was "CUNU.") Sport-geek revelry ensued for many posts.

 
Book Jacket of the Week

David T. Hardy’s and Jason Clark’s new book, Michael Moore Is a Big Fat Stupid White Man (AP/Regan Books, HO) is meant to discredit the filmmaker’s methods. Apparently, one of those methods is not to swallow when giving blow jobs to the Capitol Building.

 
Dubious Claim Explored

"What Stylish Young Women Are Wearing: More" — New York Times (6/8/2004).
First off, the cited paragons of style are frumpy stick-figures Mary-Kate and Ashley, so there’s a bit of a credibility gap right off the bat. Then there’s that supposedly authoritative quote from the president of some group called "Youth Intelligence," a consulting company, which as we all know means "front." Anyway, this "president," Janet Rinzler Buckingham (like that’s a real name), says that teen girls "want to be feminine and ladylike more than they want to be trashy and sexy." If you say so, made-up lady. We checked in on the spring lines of some leading teen clothing merchants to see for ourselves.

 

Forever 21 plays up its covertible-driving California girl image with some scantily-clad beach goers.The front page shows a teen girl in one of those popular pleated denim miniskirts leaning against a huge ball.

 

Wet Seal, home to the pink mesh g-string, unveils its new line — lots of denim minis, stretch satin "camis," and tight T-shirts with sayings like "Don’t Tell My Boyfriend."

 

Charlotte Russe is all about flimsy tank tops and capri pants. The Spring 2004 campaign features two girls rolling around together in a field.

Joyce Leslie was in in the news this month for selling "feminine, ladylike" teen T-shirts that read: "You Can Beat Me, You Can Abuse Me, But Don’t Touch My Hair Or I’ll Kill you." (The shirts were pulled last week after abused women’s groups complained.)

A couple of weeks later, The New York Times (6/21/2004) returned to the pressing "teenagers: virgins or whores?" question and attended a school dance. The writer was shocked — shocked! — by all the inappropriate dancefloor antics, apparenly called "dirty dancing," found there.

 
Anatomy of a Political Sex Scandal

Star Trek: Voyager actress Jeri Ryan, the ex-wife of Illinois Republican Senate candidate Jack Ryan alleged in court papers filed in 2000 that he took her to swinger’s clubs and asked her to engage in sexual activity in front of other people. Some conservatives defended the candidate. "I would wait for the proof before judging him," said none other than Phyllis Schlafly. Slate wondered why the GOP was rallying around Ryan and even jumping on anyone who, like Congressman Ray LaHood, suggested Ryan bow out of the campaign. E! Online called Jeri an "erstwhile Borg babe" and referred to the swing-club patrons as "apparently scruples-free." The New Republic Online pointed out that the media now always covers sex scandals by talking about lying instead of sex, making a much bigger deal out of politicans who lie about little sins (a consensual affair, for example), than out of politicians who are honest about big sins, like, say, grabbing and fondling lots of women against their will. In the end, of course, Ryan quit the campaign June 25, the same week the creator of the Arnold bobble-head doll announced he would be adding a "groping Arnold" to the collection.

 
Vacation Slides You’d Actually Want to See

A night cruise near Cyprus turned into a massive 50+ person orgy. "These scenes are not just graphic, they go beyond every conceivable limit," said the island’s drooling deputy chief of police, Sotiris Haralambous. Read the juicy details and see photos of the scandal-boat studs here.

 
In the News

Colin Farrell’s penis is reportedly so huge that it scared test audiences for A Home at the End of the World. The full-frontal scene was cut from the film on the grounds that it was, in the director’s words, "distracting," but it will apparently be restored on the DVD. Can you say Amazon preorder?

 

Paris Hilton will star in National Lampoon’s Pledge This! as the president of a sorority where the motto is "Be perfect."

 

ABC’s new reality show Wife Swap (to air September 2004) is looking for participants. "Each episode involves two families and a fun twist: the moms of each household swap places for ten days. If you are a family unit (two parents and children) who love an adventure, apply now."

 

Fired Billboard magazine editors filed suit against the company, claiming racial and sexual discrimination. According to the New York Post, the suit claims the executive editor bandied about a "green phallic vibrator, of the type normally intended for sexual use."

 

Lenin had syphilis!

 

According to a recent report, an Oklahoma judge used a penis pump and pleasured himself while on the bench, even once while presiding over a murder trial.

 

In the race to be the most progressive country in the world, Norway is just showing off at this point. How? By offering sex merit badges to teens. The badge, which can be won by answering 10 of 13 sex questions correctly, features sperm cells swimming in waves.

 

A British con man used Viagra to fleece old women. An excerpt from the trial transcript: "It was a cynical desire on your part, that you could achieve almost as much with Joan Beddeson as you had, financially, with Gwyneth Griffiths. . . But you didn’t fancy Joan Beddeson, so you needed to take Viagra to give yourself a bit of sexual vigour."

 

An excuse and alibi club helps its members have affairs.

 

Spanish director Calixto Bieito created a scandal in the opera world this week by changing the setting of Mozart’s comic The Abduction from the Seraglio (now at Berlin’s Komische Oper) from a Turkish palace to a brothel, full of forced prostitution, drug abuse and violence. "When the prostitutes were massacred on stage I had to leave," said one audience member. It’s nothing new for Bieito, who inserted nudity, gang rape, and cross-dressing into Verdi’s A Masked Ball. In his version of Don Giovanni, the lead had sex in the back of a car.

 
Product of the Week

The Mile High Kit is a little suitcase containing condoms, a cock ring, lube, and more. This way, when your luggage is searched by security, they’ll find everything embarrassing all at once.

 
Sex Tape Mania!

Parents are up in arms over a Scarsdale sex tape that shows girls making out at a party while their drunk lout classmates cheer them on.

 

A Swedish parent was up in arms over a photo of his hot daughter’s remarkable cleavage that appeared online, but he was the King, so he had the image (and the entire website) removed.

 

A man posted a listing on Craigslist for a Britney sex tape he claimed was real. It seemed dubious, but an article about the allegation contains the best sentence ever written about the newly engaged singer: "The 22-year-old routinely goes to church in Santa Monica, California after she suffered a knee injury and found that her boyfriend had a child."

 

 
New Magazine Alert

Sync, a combination of Wired and Maxim, with a little bit of Cargo thrown in, debuted last week. The editor’s note says it’s "a men’s magazine with a tech twist. Because it’s not really about the ‘gadgets,’ it’s how you live with them." Actually, it’s really about sex, as you can tell from these highlights: Page 106: "The Sexy Six." Harlequin romance novel language describes well-designed gadgets. Sample: The Toshiba Gigabite. "Alex leveled out to a rhythmic thrust, withdrawing, then driving his MP3 files into her 20GB storage capacity. She wrapped her slender 5-ounce body around him so he might undulate and intensify the impact. He couldn’t believe she was smaller and lighter than an iPod." Page 74: "Where the Girls Are," for men who are "looking for women who love men who love gadgets." Sample: "Apple Store. Her vibe: Man-eater; urban fashionista. Her interests: G5s, G-strings, apple martinis." Page 97: "Hard Cell." Soon we’ll be bombarded with porn spam on our cell phones. — Sarah Harrison

 
Tabloid Fodder

People and Us Weekly run off after Mary-Kate’s rehab story, leaving the field clear for In Touch, with its special 25-cent "Thank You" (for loving sleaze) price to cover the Tom-Nicole custody arrangements ("Are they reuniting?") and George Clooney’s and Bruce Willis’ bachelor-partyesque antics. In fact, with In Touch‘s cheap price this week, the reigning Star should be feeling the heat. Oh, but wait, Star is like the drunk girl at a party, the one who wins by remaining oblivious to forces aligned against her. In that spirit, the magazine defeats the competition handily with its take on Mary-Kate. Headline: "It’s Drugs!"

 

Scanner appears Tuesdays.
Research assistant: Sarah Harrison.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.

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