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 REGULARS

Quotes of the Week

Britney says she’s finally met her “prince,” the dancer Kevin Federline, after kissing lots of “frogs,” presumably like Justin Timberlake.

“I’m supposed to be this bombshell. Well, in The Mask my boobs were propped up bigger than I’ve ever seen them. But me sexy? Just rate me as OK.” — Your candidate for humble celebrity of the week, Cameron Diaz.

“Make regular visits to the Pleasure Chest! You can’t forget your sexuality — that’s not good. You can still embrace your body by going to the gym or going to the Pleasure Chest!” — Halle Berry’s advice for single women.

“Milan smells of style and sex. I like to bring the ugly to the beauty.” — Keith Flint, who walked the fashion runway for Donatella Versace and shocked spectators when he simulated a blow job with a man from the audience and licked a woman’s face.

 
In the News
Teachers
gone wild! One third-grade teacher in Zimbabwe made students choose
between punishments: suck
her breasts
or be caned. A twenty-three-year-old Florida teacher,
apparently a former motorcycle
model
, has been charged with having sex with her fourteen-year-old
student in the back of her SUV while
the student’s fifteen-year-old cousin drove.

 
Isn’t it nice to know the Supreme Court is working overtime to protect the rights of both those who want internet porn and those who don’t?

 

Yeah, screw Ken. Barbie has a new boyfriend, Blaine. And he’s Australian.

 
Thanks to Gawker for leading us to this fantastic correction:

Ethan Zohn, a former soccer player in Zimbabwe who won Survivor: Africa in 2002, did not, apparently, tell the New York Times, "We can make value judgments all we want, but through some cultural differences it has been all right for me in Africa to have multiple sex partners." (He really said "all right for men.")

 
Seal and Heidi Klum are in love.  

Japanese men are getting hot watching waitresses named Pudding dress up and serve them pastries.

At last, photos from an L.A. porn industry convention. Note the "pool of synthetic genitals."

Slate rates Ballpark’s new "Girthy is good" campaign ("When I pull something off the grill, I want it big, I want it plump, I want it girthy"): "Grade: F. I think many people, upon seeing this ad, will avoid buying Ball Park Franks,” they conclude, although they leave open another possibility: “Alternative: I am wrong, and Ball Park has happened on a brilliant — and profitable — means of letting straight men express their sublimated homoerotic fantasies."

In the slangy "Good as New" Bible, Paul is pro-sex, saying, "Some of you think the best way to cope with sex is for men and women to keep right away from one another. I think that is more likely to lead to sexual offenses. My advice is for everyone to have a regular partner."

According to a
new study, 75% of employees have accidentally visited
a porn site while at work, and over 15% have done so more than ten
times.

Page Six reports this week that journalists think John Kerry is ugly. The Colombia Journalism Review suggests that "Kerry was repeatedly whacked by an Ugly Stick sometime between 2000 and 2004."

Carmen Electra is hosting the Naked Women’s Wrestling League, which will air in August.

From Mediabistro: A court held the managing director and editor of Joura magazine after stolen photos of a famous Israeli couple having sex were found in the newspaper’s office.

Botox injections near the vagina may cure women with vaginismus, a disorder that prevents women from enjoying penetration.

Coming on to women
is not
a crime
. An Idaho jury found a forty-year-old computer repairman
who kissed a client (after asking her if she wanted a "boyfriend
for fifteen minutes") not guilty of assault. Then they presumably
said, "But we do find him guilty of loooove," and everyone
in the courtroom chuckled and high-fived.

 

Products of the Week

“I
Fucked Alec Baldwin in His Ass” bumper stickers pay homage to
the brave woman who came forward with her dubious story.

A new device developed by a Japanese toymaker promises to let you "P-Mate … Your Little Travel-Mate!" lets girls pee standing up.

From the news page at Realdoll.com:

"Abyss is also adding several new items to our product line, including some
new shirts, hats, and the battery-powered Glowcock. We are also happy to announce
the following upgrade: All Realdolls will now include bottom teeth as a standard
option, at no additional charge."

 
Tabloid Fodder
People

Cover: "We’re Engaged!"

Best headline: "Lindsay Goes Pop" (under a photo of Lohan dancing in white hotpants).

Best story: Britney and Kevin in their own words, e.g., "Kevin: ‘I’d known for a while she’s the one.’ Britney: ‘Oh baby. [She kisses him.] Really?'”

Best photo: "One’s Bitten, Both Smitten" (under a photo of Selma Blair inexplicably biting her husband Ahmet Zappa’s bald head).

Sex promised/delivered: 6/4. They get the exclusive interviews because they ask hard-hitting questions like, "Who was the first to say ‘I love you?’" A question the couple refuses to answer. "It’s personal," says Britney.

In Touch

Cover: "Oh, Baby!" Jen [Aniston] and J. Lo prepare for the happiest
time of their lives!" conjures image of the two of them raising a baby
together.

Best headline: "What do their bags say about them?"

Best story: "How Babies Have Made Julia and Danny More Romantic Than Ever!"

Best photo: Carmen Electra: "Looking classy with a big bust."

Sex promised/delivered: 7/6. A true bargain, but too much about marriage and babies, not enough mean-spirited conjecture. A photo of Carrot Top with his tongue out drops the sex quotient a couple of points.

Us Weekly

Cover: "Olsen Family Exclusive: Saving Mary-Kate," conjures image of the sisters in battle fatigues.

Best headline: "When Good Luck Charms Go Bad!" (With photos of stars having bad things happen despite their kabbalah bracelets). Deeply satisfying.

Best story: Icky profile of nasty old Donald Trump and his vampire bride, whose
breasts are clearly taped together under her strapless dress.

Best photo: It’s a tie between Paris Hilton buying her own sex tape and Ethan
Hawke
looking
stupid
next to the quote, "I’m thirty-three and single again, and all [my friends]
are
married.
Who wants to hang out with me? Nobody!"

Sex promised/delivered:7/8. This is a magazine on the rise, smartly focusing its energies on schadenfreude like the bracelet thing and its sister photospread later in the issue, "When Bad Clothes Happen to Good People." Nice touch: a page entitled, "Help! My Pants are Too Long!"

Star

Cover: "It’s Drugs!" (i.e., Mary-Kate is not anorexic after all.)

Best headline: "It’s Drugs!"

Best story: "It’s Drugs!"

Best photo: Britney Spears in a very tight t-shirt that reads, "Die Young Stay Pretty."

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. Hateful, suspicious, nilhilistic, and perfect.

 

Scanner appears Tuesdays.

Research assistant:
Sarah Harrison.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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