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Crush of the Week

When we first saw these photos of Jenna Bush with some guy named Frederik, we didn’t yet know he was the Prince of Denmark (like Hamlet!)  We weren’t aware that he was decorated with such fictional-sounding honors as “Knight of the Order of the Elephant” and “Grand Commander of the Order of Dannebrog.”  We weren’t familiar with his career in the Danish SEALS, and we certainly had no idea how hot he looked in a beret. All we knew was that we wanted that bitch to get away from him. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Gwynne Watkins


Quotes of the Week

“She has a really cute butt and she would have been cute in the role. But I’m glad I got it.” — Jessica Simpson, on beating out Britney for the role of Daisy Duke.

“Fags Make Boys Impotent.” “Fags make girls ugly.” “Your penis thinks you should stop smoking.” — Slogans from the new UK anti-smoking campaign. In this informative video, you can watch an erect cigarette in between “fingerlegs” go soft as its smoked.

“While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm.” — Addressing the Catholic church scandal, Rick Santorum somehow manages to be even more of an asshole.

“Vegetarianish at home





Raw food


— “Vegetarian level” options on If only all dating categories could end in -ish: Availablieish, Employedish, Thirtyish (at home). . .

“Dear America: I am longing to reach you — crossing this river of indifference and consumption and denial. I am trying to find you, reaching out through the desperate limitations of words and descriptions, swimming through the rhetoric of terror and God. I need you to wake up. The house is on fire and you are still sleeping, lulled by the intoxication of smoke and mirrors . . . How do I break through your sealed wrapping, your self-obsession, your TVheadphonedDVDcell pod?” — Eve Ensler (about whom we’ve complained before) on The Huffington Post.

Photos of the Week

George W. Bush, patriotic crossdresser.

Colin Farrell, teen model.

The difference between working at Nerve and working other places is that when we get emails that say,

“Hola dear Ada: We are now preparing the Madrid Pornolab. We are doing this lab in one of the biggest cultural centres in Madrid: the Centro cultural Conde Duque´s city council. Besos. Ernesto,” it’s not spam.

Britney’s ex-husband, with groupie.
Kevin’s ex, meanwhile, is reportedly dating Quentin Tarantino. Is he good with kids?

Our Bisexuality Issue Starts Tomorrow — Prepare With a Movie From 1968!

Les Biches (Bad Girls) shows the love triangle of two women, Why and Frederique, and one man, Paul. All of the sex is suggested, like the scene in which Frederique seduces Why and the cut comes just as the former forcibly unbuttons the latter’s pants, but the mind-fucking is entirely real. The dysfunctional three-way drives Why to madness! Oh, and because it’s a French film, bisexuality is also an allegory for class warfare. — Andy Duncan

[In looking for an image of the DVD cover, we found this bra-clad deer, which seemed better somehow.]

In the News

Circumcision reportedly reduces the risk of contracting AIDS by 70%.

Sorry, can’t look for any more news items; busy playing Tekta. Here’s one blogger’s description for the uninitiated: “It’s a kind of Tetris, I guess, but with a semi-naked, oddly floppy and bendy woman instead of a cube. Tetka falls, corpselike, from bouncy bubble to bouncy bubble, often getting her ankles all wrapped up in her ears in the process. After playing for a while (quite a long while, the game is curiously erotic), I discovered that if I held the alt key down, clicked and dragged Tetka, I could wiggle her body around or suspend it in space. The simplest games are always the most compelling, and this game (unscored, although not completely lacking in motivational factors) combines the relaxing appeal of Tetris with the sadistic lure of a God Game. Here, though, God really is a tender pervert.”

And if that doesn’t do it for you, there’s always this wacky Japanese skit about attempted rape by a man dressed up as a mosquito, complete with laugh track!

Product Placement

Pilobolus is on tour.

Bra-makers are creating lingerie for really young girls. Thank goodness there’s bra information for your nine-year-old niece on Tampax’s website There are 247 entries about bras, although we get the feeling at least half of them (“I think this is a good place for girls who start periods.they can also ask questions if their unsure what to do. this place is good for me”) were in fact written by some hack copywriter employed by Tampax. There but for the grace of God go we . . .

Tabloid Fodder


Painful realization: You know how if you eat enough candy you can turn yourself into a diabetic? Well, we found ourselves captivated by Angelina’s adoption of an African orphan she’s named Zahara Marley Jolie (People got an exclusive on the name, and so repeat it many times throughout the magazine).

Us Weekly

Painful realization: Gwyneth’s baby Apple has pink Pumas; Vince Vaughn is looking a little bloated.

In Touch

Painful realization: Some rigorous journalist is squandering his or her political savvy on a chart documenting Angelina’s “flip-flopping” about having a baby of her own.


Painful realization: The gossip mother lode — sorry, “celebrity baby bumper crop.” Angelina’s parrot loves her and gets “aggressive” when she’s away from it. Pauly Shore talks about his infidelities. Courtney Love and Pamela Anderson cozy up to each other at a bar . . . and we are starting to care. Does Worker’s Comp cover this?

appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison, Sarah Crichton,
David Diehl, Skye Tyler and Andy Duncan.

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