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Crush of the Week

Canadian
know-it-all Alex Trebek still looks like a man with a mustache
even though he shaved it off three years ago. It was long rumored
that the perpetually too-smart-for-the-room Jeopardy! host
and former philosophy major was gay and lived with his mother,
but he is in fact a married father, now a full-fledged U.S. citizen,
and prone to the little legal hassles — some tussle at
a security checkpoint, falling asleep at the wheel — that
add that special frisson to American manhood. And like all red-blooded
TV hosts, he has a rival:
Regis Philbin. Is there a better rival to have (besides, of course,
Letterman’s: Dr. Phil)? Surely mocking the facility of Who
Wants To Be a Millionaire
questions (like, "What is
the color of Post-It notes?” Trebek
once quipped, snarkily) gets his blood up and ensures a healthy
sex life. But no:"Unfortunately, as you get older — and
I shouldn’t admit this," Trebek told Esquire some
time ago, "there are other things that become more important
in your daily life." Quel disappointment, as Trebek,
French-speaking show-off that he is, might say. And yet, we feel
something’s changed in Trebek’s demeanor since Jeopardy! master Ken
Jennings
arrived on the show. Jennings, whom Slate calls "the
Seabiscuit of geekdom," has been on a record-setting winning
streak that has raised the show’s ratings twenty percent. "KenJen" softens
the formerly haughty Trebek. Spared the burden of suffering fools,
Trebek these days beams, blushes, and generally looks like maybe
sex is important to him again after all. And for that, he is
our crush of the week. — Ada
Calhoun

 
Quotes of the Week

“Whoa! Look at them! Look at how big they got!” — Cameron Diaz’s exclamation upon spraying her bare breasts with a can of compressed air in a 1992 modeling video now circulating on the internet.

"It’s not easy for me to get that snarky toward people," says Traci Lords, now a celebrity judge on IFC’s Ultimate Film Fanatic. "One thing about my porn past: It’ll always keep me humble."

“I would have
loved to have been one of Helmut’s women. I can’t think of a greater
compliment than to have been deemed worthy of Helmut’s lens.” — Anna
Wintour

“No matter how smart and provocative and fascinating you are deep inside, chances are your editor is making you seem — at first glance — like a breathless, flighty, shopping- and celebrity-obsessed nyphomaniacal whore.” — Simon Dumenco in a Folio article on the fine art of coverline writing.

 
   

Photo of the Week

In
a pun on gay marriage, Matt
Drudge
ran this intimate photo under the headline “Kerry
picks a Mate.”

 
Disturbing Trend of the Week

A
couple has sex
onstage
during a concert by a band called — what else — the
Cumshots as a protest against the destruction of the rain forest
(above). To raise money for charity, Macy Gray (left) gets naked onstage during at a concert in London. Nepali
women
farm in the buff to please the rain gods. And
a bunch of Spaniards take
their clothes off to protest the running of the bulls in Pamplona.
What happened to getting naked in public for fun?

 
In the News

Ferris
Bueller
actor Jeffrey
Jones
was charged with failing to register as a sex offender.
He pleaded no contest last year to having a fourteen-year-old boy
pose for sexy photos. Interestingly, in every still from the Matthew
Broderick film, he looks like a sex offender. Meanwhile, Colin
Farrell
will play the lover of a fourteen-year-old girl in
his next movie and Nicole Kidman will play the lover of a ten-year-old
boy in hers.

Love
is a battlefield as Utah wages a War
on Pornography
. And yet, Midwestern
Republican gals
(pictured) like sex toys, says the New York
Times Magazine
.

 

James Joyce’s
steamy letter to his wife, Nora Barnacle, was auctioned off
at Sotheby’s for close to half a million dollars. In it, the typically
reserved writer calls her "my strange-eyed whore" and reveals
an "ungovernable lust."

Speaking
of ungovernable lust, CNBC’s typically reserved anchor Sue Herera kissed Will
Ferrell on air five times in less than a minute when he dropped in
to promote Anchorman. She purred as Ferrell asked her "to
make hot Spanish love right now.”

 

Headline of the week: Probe After Moonlighting Spanish Cop Used Uniform in Strip-Tease Act.

As
a companion to the popular video series featuring blind-drunk,
pre-puke nineteen-year-old girls sloppily lifting their Gap t-shirts
over their highlighted heads, this week Guys
Gone Wild
hits the market. Unlike its female equivalent,
this one is being promoted as a "gag" gift, expected
to appeal to bachelorette parties and gay men.

 

Chechnya gets its first women’s magazine, Nana, only instead of fashion tips it has articles about things like the Stalin-era deportation of large numbers of Chechens to Central Asia.

FtheVote.com encourages
liberals to use their sex appeal to seduce and bed George W. Bush
supporters in exchange for a
vote for Kerry.

Subscription Offer of the Week

More magazine,
a glossy devoted to women over forty

What the promotional materials say: “Go girl!” “It’s not
about looking really young. It’s about looking really great!” What
readers say about the magazine:
“It is an almost
sensuous experience to feel the paper it is printed on." “I
laughed, cried, learned, enjoyed, and relaxed.” And about themselves: “More
divine with time.” “I am an exotic treasure.” General impression: As
a woman over forty, you are a hag who must rub
magazines for sensual pleasure.

 
Tabloid Fodder

People

On the cover: Four pasty couples, plus Marlon Brando. Headline:
“Just
Married!”


What you learn within:

1. Roy and the tiger who mauled him greatly resemble Nancy Reagan and her new
dog, Dutchess, who are found on the following page.

2. Tori Spelling and her fiancé had their pugs serve as flower girl and ring bearer.

3. Bill Cosby is still pissed off at poor people.

Sex promised/delivered: 4/4. Anger and whimsy are the themes of the week.

In Touch

On the cover: “Ashley and Mary-Kate: Heartbreaking Goodbye!”

What you learn within:

1. Ashley and Mary-Kate are taking a break from showbiz. Dibs on twenty-eight
if
we’re
betting on days this break will last.

2. Jessica Simpson likes sex more than her husband.

3. Hilary Duff “personally doesn’t choose to hate people, but what can you do? People are opinionated.”

Sex promised/delivered: 7/6. Two pages on celebrity scars.

Star

On the cover: "Celebrity Flaws: Hey, Nobody’s Perfect!"

What you learn within:

1. Kate Moss has "bony feet."

2. Kate Hudson has "dumbo ears."

3. Katie Holmes has "mangled ankles."

Sex promised/delivered: 7/7. It can’t be "DRUGS!" every week. Six pages of scars and more creative deformations send this message: You’re not perfect. Celebrities aren’t perfect. Therefore, you’re a celebrity!

 
Sign of the Apocalypse
Starting
July 28, UPN will air a reality show called Amish
in the City
. It will follow Amish teenagers as they experience
the Amish ritual "rumspringa," during which teens may
leave the flock and run wild before deciding whether or not to
commit to the church for life. Only the show is going to put them
up in the Hollywood Hills with roommates like "a fashion-forward
party girl, a swim teacher and a club promoter."

 

Scanner appears Tuesdays.

Research assistant:
Sarah Harrison.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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