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 REGULARS


Crush of the Week

Jude Law has been caught cheating on his twenty-three-year-old fiancée Sienna Miller with his children’s nanny. Thank God at least one leading man is doing what he’s supposed to: screwing everything that moves. Plus, as someone in our office mentioned, “nannies as a category have gotten a good resexualizing PR bump.” And don’t you know that Sadie Frost, who’s had to watch the father of her three young children feign monogamy with Sienna lo these many months, feels fantastic? In one fell swoop, Jude has raised his perceived potency, glamorrized nannydom and pleased his ex-wife. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

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Quotes of the Week

“It’s like, ‘Who cares?’ . . . I play it as it lays. Okay, so I may not be the greatest lover in the world. Well, let’s make that angle work. There’s lots of different paths to the waterfall. You don’t have to be Don Juan. And wasn’t it Gloria Steinem who said that women have to be responsible for their own orgasms? Well, I take her at her word. I’ll do my best, okay, but at a certain point you’ve got to, like, you know . . .” — Owen Wilson’s response to Rolling Stone‘s inquiry about the rumor he took a girl back to his hotel and licked her butt for two hours.

“Congratulations! You’re as kooky as Tom Cruise! Now you can do wacky things like throw out your crazypills and marry a D-list actress with rat teeth! Good times!” — The conclusion of Liquid Generation’s scientology explanation.
Photos of the Week

Pete Rose, underwear model.

We wish this guy had been at our Fourth of July party.
And we wish they’d served ham-wrapped bananas.
You can thank this “family of faggot fans” for the universal popularity of the British dish.
In the News

Video-gamers are all worked up over the secret sex scene in Grand Theft Auto. Watch it here. Unless you’re fresh out of prison and live in Florida, where even reading Maxim is a parole violation.

From Our Inbox

“Ada, You, and by extension your columns, are incredibly sexy. How do you do it?!” We always Google people who send us rhetorical fan letters. The first hit this one yielded: “FreeBSD-Security: Passwords in Jails.” It’s always good to have fans in the prison system.

We also got an invitation from someone named Leon to join MySpace. Leon’s self-description: “I’m probably among the most laid back and fun people you’ll ever meet.” Who Leon would like to meet: “Now that I’ve got a girlfriend, we’re BOTH looking for a bisexual nymphomaniac Ivy League fashion model with a wild side, a six-pack, and a great sense of humor.”
That’s what we in the biz call a banner week.
Product Placement

Turn your labia into a fridge magnet with “Match Your Snatch.”

The cuddly tampon doll. Perfect for that office baby shower.
“For the fashionista who lives for the latest accessories by Balenciaga and Prada, there is a new European import that promises to tickle her pink. The Minx. Delivered in a satin-lined hand-crafted snake skin box and embellished with twelve pink Swarovoski crystals where the fur fox tail is attached, this high-fashion vibrator is the Manolo Blahnik of sex toys.”
Tabloid Fodder: Doomsday Edition

People
Plague: Beasts of the Sea
At Jessica Simpson’s birthday party, “partygoers lounged by the pool, which was filled with mechanical fish.”

Us Weekly

Plague: The Trivializing of the First Born Britney Spears wore a T-shirt to the L.A. premiere of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that said “I have the golden ticket” with an arrow pointed at her pregnant stomach.
In Touch

Plague: Famine South Beach = Jessica Simpson; Caveman = Kim
Cattrall; Nutrifit = Penelope Cruz; Detox = Gwyneth. Which celebrity slimming plan is right for you?
Star

Plague: Blood In her new film, Lucy Liu “wakes up in a morgue to find she’s a member of the undead.” Covered in blood, she hunts for her attackers. The item’s non sequitur of a last line — “Who knew vampires prefer Hawaiian handbags!” — proves there’s no reason the endtimes can’t be fun.



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison, Sarah Crichton,
David Diehl, Skye Tyler and Andy Duncan.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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