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There’s a lot of great reading tucked away in the Web. The bad news is that you don’t have the time to click through thousands of sites looking for these hidden gems. The good news is that we do.
 
Hogwarts School of Double Entendre
A list of sexual innuendos found in the new Harry Potter book, The Order of the Phoenix. For the full list, go to www.clockwork-harlequin.net/harry_potter/smut.html

“What d’you mean, I’m not brave in bed?” said Harry, completely nonplussed. (14)

” . . . I know you did Mark Evans two nights ago— “

“Ah well . . . wand still in your jeans?” (53)

“JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE ALLOWED TO USE MAGIC NOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO WHIP YOUR WAND OUT FOR EVERY TINY LITTLE THING!” (84)

“You two just Apparated on my knees!”

“Yeah, well, it’s harder in the dark — ” (97)

“There was a groan of bedsprings, and Harry’s mattress descended a few inches as George sat down near his feet.”

“So, got there yet?” said George eagerly. (100)

” . . . screwing up her eyes each time with the same pained expression she had worn back in Harry’s bedroom.” (85)

“Ron was lying sprawled on his back with his mouth wide open.” (121)

“Quite astonishing, the way you contrive to wriggle out of very tight holes.” (154)

“He’s having a go at my mother!” Seamus yelled. (218)

“Or any part of your body, really, we’re not fussy where we stick this.” (343)

” . . . when it appears, it is always equipped for the seeker’s needs. Dobby has used it, sir,” said the elf, dropping his voice and looking guilty,

“when Winky has been very drunk.” (387)

“She’s somethin’ when she’s roused, Olympe . . . fiery, you know . . . ‘spect it’s the French in her . . . ” (432)

“He was rather taller than Snape, who, Harry noticed, had balled his fist in the pocket of his cloak over what Harry was sure was the handle of his wand.” (520)

“Stand up and take out your wand, Potter.” (533)

“I thought not,” said Snape, watching him closely. “You let me get in too far. You lost control.” (535)

“He was on all fours again on Snape’s office floor.” (536)

“Ron wrenched the hangings apart, and Harry stared up at him in the moonlight, as he lay flat on his back.” (586)

“Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break,” said George.

“Well, we’ll soon find out, won’t we?” said Snape smoothly. “Wand out, Potter.”

Harry moved into his usual position . . . (638)

“But whether James really did take off Snape’s pants, Harry never found out.” (649)

” . . . did things with a wand I’ve never seen before . . . ” (711)

 
Jesus Don’t Playa Hate
Excerpts from a “Teen Lingo” glossary featured on “The Source For Youth Ministry,” a website for church youth group leaders. The entire glossary can be viewed at www.thesourcefym.com/teenlingo/.

onion
n. a female’s posterior or buttocks. “Check out the fine onion on that betty”

pigeon
ugly girl. “Quit mackin’ on those pigeons over there!” 2. a girl who goes with all the guys, whether or not she has a boyfriend, usually just for sexual favors.

pimp
1. adj. Very admirable or desirable. Extremely good. “Check out his pimp ride!” 2. n. a male who is extremely admirable, especially with the women. “Take notes fellas, I’m the pimp!”

player
(pronounced “playa”) Someone, usually, but not always, a male, who “dates” a lot of the opposite sex at the same time. Or someone who has a different girlfriend or boyfriend every week or so. “Sheila, you ain’t all that. John’s a player, and you the flavor of the week!”

props
n. Favor or admiration credited to a person because of something done. A verbal recognition of good achievement. “Did you hear Billy just got a job at McDonalds?” “Alright . . . props to my man Billy!”

Rocks
n. Fat or big diamonds

Say my name!
an exclamation used to intimidate or used for celebration. If someone just scored a touchdown they might say, “Say my name (insert cruel noun here)!”

shorty
n. a female or girlfriend. see “breezy”

sprung
adj. To be obsessed with, usually in an amorous fashion. “Vanessa’s so sprung on Todd, he’s all she talks about.”

this piece
a residence or place. “We up in this piece.”

Triflin’
v. To cheat on your boyfriend or girl friend. “Rick! Are you triflin with Jackie? You better hope Tomeka don’t find out . . . she’ll open up a can on you!” 2. talking behind a friends back, back stabbing.

 
Those Crickets Had It Coming
Descriptions of several “crush films” available for purchase, all of which star Mistress Chloe. A full list can be viewed at home.att.net/~MistressChloe/CrushVideos.htm.

#3 “Chloe Chloe” (Can Her Left Obliterate Everything? Chloe’s Heavenly Left Omnipotently Exterminates!)
For all of you crush enthusiasts, this video is TOEtally dedicated to the crushing of poor little helpless insects. Watch as Mistress Chloe stomps and squishes crickets, mealworms, redworms, and snails! All barelegged in open toed spike heels. You also get views from underneath her shoe. They can’t take the weight of Mistress Chloe’s deadly size 8!!!! 30 min. $45

#5 “Cricket Crunch”
A whole hour of cricket crushing! You will see Mistress Chloe stomp and torture her helpless victims. Crickets make an excellent substitution for men who treat women with contempt, until they find themselves underneath her spike heels! She crushes them all in a variety of shoes wearing suntan pantyhose. If you like giantess shots, you will LOVE the camera angles, as she looks HUGE! You will see her crush crickets unmercifully with her long fingernails right in front of her face! See what happens when these pitiful crickets make the mistake of entering her unoccupied shoe……60 min. $65

#11 “Cricket Crunch 3”
Here she goes again! More filthy cricket crushing! In this video, you will see Mistress Chloe crush them in her black strappy high heel sandals and her clear platforms. She evens tapes them to the bottom and the inside of her shoe to see how they end up! Lots of giantess scenes. Lots of super close-ups of her pretty pink toenails in suntan pantyhose. This video makes it very easy to imagine yourself as her victim! 60 min. $65

#18 “Platforms Put Out/Miniature Man Mush”
This video is actually two videos in one! They are each 15 minutes in length. The first, “Platforms Put Out” shows Mistress Chloe crushing cigarettes. She wears two different pairs of platforms with bare legs. She also crushes a cigarette and a flower together, twisting them under her foot. Another scene is your viewpoint under the table, looking at her gorgeous legs and toes, anticipating when she is going to put out her cigarette! The second part, “Miniature Man Mush”, gives you lots of close-ups of the top and bottom views of her foot as she dominates a little speck of a man. You will finally see her crush him out too! 30 min. $30

 
She’s Not That Innocent
Dramatic highlights pulled from a piece of lesbian fantasy erotica posted on nifty.org, a gay and lesbian story archive. The entire story may be read at nifty.guiltyobsessions.com/nifty/lesbian/celebrity/britney-and-melissa.

Britney couldn’t wait to get home. It had been a long, hard day at the dance studio learning the routines for her next video and all she wanted was to have a nice shower and get into some clean clothes. Of course, this was the secondary reason for her rushing. The main one was that she was going to see her best friend, Melissa Joan Hart, for the first time in ages. . .

. . . You see, Britney was a lesbian. She had discovered this a while ago whilst she was surfing the internet for porn. . .

. . . Britney had always felt very close to Melissa, but since that evening her feelings had changed. . .

. . . For the rest of the time before Melissa was due to arrive Britney sat, thinking about what she had just done. Her initial thoughts were of disgust; how could she have drank her own piss, it just wasn’t right. . .

. . . eventually there was a knock at the door. Britney leapt up and ran to the door. Regaining her composure see reached for the door knob, opened it, and nearly came on the spot. For standing in front of her was Melissa Joan Hart, her best friend, wearing a black rubber dress. . .

    . . . “Well B, aren’t you going to invite me in?” said Melissa, a slight grin appearing on her face as she said so.
    “Uh, um, yeah. Do you want to come in?”
“I’d love to. I see you like my dress, I just bought it on the way over, cool isn’t it. I love how it feels on my body. You should try it on later.”. . .

    . . . “B, answer me a question. Why haven’t you been with anyone for a while. I mean, I know that you’ve got a busy schedule, but surely you’re missing a nice, think, juicy cock to suck on, I know I can’t get enough of them.”
    “Um, well, you know…”
    “You’re a lesbian aren’t you?”
    “Um”
    “You are, I can see it. So, what do you think of this then…” And with that Melissa reached down and pulled her dress up to her waist, exposing her pussy to Britney. . .

    . . . “B, I love you, I want to be with you forever.”
    “I love you too Mel, I want you to be my Mistress for the rest of my life, I’ll do anything and everything you want me to, I promise.”
    “I know you will, my lesbian slave, I know you will…”

 
Eastern Spice
An excerpt from chapter thirteen of How to Attract Asian Women: An Asian Woman Reveals It All by Ming Tan.

How to Act on a First Date With an Asian Woman

You must be on your best behavior on the first date. Some pointers:
· Do not talk about your ex-girlfriends, especially Asian ex-girlfriends if you are a non-Asian guy
· If you are an Asian guy, don’t talk about your white ex-girlfriends. Asian girls generally think that Asian guys who bring up their white ex-girlfriends in conversation are bragging. Just don’t talk about ex-girlfriends!
· Do not smoke
· Be yourself
· Do not concentrate too much on her Asian ethnicity
· Do not call Asians by the term “Orientals”
· Do not put down Asian men
· Do not talk about sex
· Pay attention to her, and do not look around the room for other women
· Pay for the date and do not talk about money
· Be fun, relaxed, and happy

. . . You must arrive on time. Lots of Asian ladies have reported getting turned off after a guy shows up late for a date. You do not want to spoil your chances of dating an Asian lady by being late, so always give yourself plenty of time for travel. Better to arrive early than to make your Asian woman wait!

. . . You can compliment her on her outfit or on how wonderful she looks. Just be sure not to use any sexually suggestive compliments. For example, say:

“You look lovely tonight.”
“You look even more beautiful than you do in your photo.”

And DO NOT say:

“Gosh, all you Orientals are so gorgeous.”
“I love you sexy Asian women.”
“That dress shows off your beautiful behind.”

Take her to a nice place; it does not matter whether it is expensive or not so long as it’s nice. What do I mean by “nice” and how do you figure out what’s “nice” and what’s not for your first date with your Asian lady? Talk to your Asian lady before the date and make your decision on where to go from your conversation. I remember being very impressed by a gentleman who decided that we would go hiking and have a picnic after having a conversation with me during which I mentioned the fact that I like the outdoors. In my experience, the most popular Asian cuisine among Asians is Japanese, so perhaps your date would like to go for some Japanese food. There are always restaurant ads in the Chinese newspapers, each touting the sushi selection in the advertised restaurant’s buffets in order to attract more customers. Keep in mind that some Asian women might be shy and therefore prefer not to eat in front of strangers. If you have this suspicion, ask your Asian date if she would like to have dinner or just coffee. Or you can just decide to meet for coffee or tea, and then go to dinner if you two hit it off over a few cups at a nice café.

Many Asians have alcohol dehydrogenase deficiency, which means that they lack the enzyme used to digest alcohol. According to The Merck Manual, 50% of Chinese and Japanese and other people of Asian descent lack aldehyde dehydrogenase-2, an enzyme involved in ethanol metabolism. This might result in alcohol intolerance, flushing of the face, muscle weakness, nausea, and other nasty symptoms whenever any alcohol is ingested. I am not a doctor, but I know from personal experience that I get really nauseous and weak when I ingest even a small amount of alcohol. I find it cumbersome to have to explain my alcohol intolerance to people who don’t understand that this affects a large percentage of the Asian population. People make me feel like it’s antisocial not to drink; little do they know it’s actually physical! So now that you know this, you can impress your Asian date with your understanding of Asians and alcohol dehydrogenase deficiency. You will get extra points here because most people, except for doctors, do not know about this.

. . . Some Asians take their tea very seriously and do not like the American variety, so you might impress your Asian lady by learning a bit about tea (one source you can check out is www.TenRen.com). During the date, she might not eat too much, since some Asian women are very self-conscious about their weight (I’ve seen lots of diet pills sold in Asian beauty salons) and she might not feel too comfortable eating in front of strangers. Also, concentrate on the ambiance, not the food, and on whether you two can talk and get to know each other better.

You should be a gentleman and pay for the first date. Many Asian women have reported to me that they are accustomed to excellent treatment by their dates. Do not be cheap and insist on equality here or you might not see her again. This is one area where I insist on not being “politically correct” — you bought this book in order to learn about the things that impress an Asian woman from the point of view of an Asian woman herself; trust my advice. Sure, there might be a minority of people who disagree with me, but do yourself a favor and pay for the first date.

On a date, you may show interest in Asian culture (do not mention Asian culture immediately upon meeting an Asian woman); however, do not be condescending about it. Refer to Asians as Asians and never refer to people as “Orientals.” It is cute to say a few words of whatever language the lady happens to speak, since by now she would probably have told you where she is from and what languages she speaks. This will probably not apply to Americanized Asian-Americans, who often do not speak any Asian languages.

. . . Also, keep in mind that it is often taboo in Asian culture to kiss in public; your Asian date might be reluctant to show any public displays of affection even if she likes you. See, for example, Virtualtourist.com (this site says that public displays of affection not welcomed in Asian cultures) and http://www.worldinformation.com/World/Asia/Japan/guide.asp?country= 081 (this site says that kissing in public is impolite in Japan). Always err on the side of being conservative and respectful. Your Asian lady would appreciate the respect you have shown her and be more receptive to your affection later on. Most of the Asian ladies I interviewed mentioned that the worst thing a man can do on a first date is to make an unwanted sexual advance.

 
Once, Twice, Three Times a Plushie
From “Furvert FAQ”, a glossary of terms relating to plushies: people who receive sexual gratification by accumulating, mating with or pretending to be plush toy animals. Some, known as “furries,” are particularly fond of dressing up in animal costumes, or “fursuits.” The full text may be viewed at www.velocity.net/~galen/plushlex.txt.

Plushgasm – An orgasm elicited by making love with a plushie.
Plushboink – Having sex with a plushie.
Baptize – The first time one goes all the way with a plush lover.
Finger paint – A form of scent marking; using one’s finger to apply a scented substance on a plushie.
Plushophobe – A person who feels threatened by the notion of an adult loving stuffed animals, and who reacts with hostility as a result. Also: ‘plush basher’.
Fursuit – An anthropomorphic animal costume.
Fursuiter – A person who wears and/or makes fursuits.
Furless lackey – An uncostumed escort/handler who accompanies a costumed fursuiter for assistance and/or security purposes.
Gundie – Goth jargon for plushie.
Side leg syndrome – When a plushie is posed lying down with both hind legs out in front of it. Looks nice, but it’s an awkward posture for cuddling. Also: ‘one-sided leg syndrome’.
Poke – Kinder, gentler term for what some male plushophiles do with their plushies.
Squick – To disgust someone.
Pocket plush – A tiny plushie that can fit in one’s shirt pocket. Great for making people smile! 🙂
‘In the wild’ – In stores. (E.g., ‘I haven’t seen that plush in the wild in over a year.’)
Meekophile – A plushophile whose favorite stuffed animal is Meeko.
Matting – What happens to a plushie’s fur after months of cuddling. Generally caused by the tangling of plush fibers and accumulation of body oils, skin flakes, and lint.
Meat sex – Sex with biological partners. Also: ‘biosex’.
‘In Plush We Thrust’ – Unofficial motto of alt.sex.plushies.

© 2003 Nerve.com, Inc.


 


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