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Crush of the Week

Lance Armstrong celebrated his seventh consecutive victory in the Tour de France on Sunday with girlfriend Sheryl Crow. But ladies in Salt Lake City have discovered another Lance . . . Lance Archibald. Lance’s “friends” at Logoworks developed a website — and a highway billboard — to find him the perfect mate. Lance’s qualifications (which his friends have denoted on the homepage with checked boxes) are apparently endless: former missionary, Harvard MBA, college basketball star, and Mormon. Is Lance desperate? The FAQ says no. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Sarah Crichton

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Quotes of the Week

“I have kids and my own life to live . . . bitch.” — Our office manager, Gwynne, discovered that Sadie Frost’s words of ‘sympathy’ to Sienna Miller are even funnier if you add the word “bitch” to the end of every sentence. 

“When a Man Dies in a Sex Act with a Horse — What’s a Reporter to Do?” — Best headline ever?

Photos of the Week

Another ex-child-star sluts herself up for the men’s mags.

Heath Ledger does the full-frontal in Brokeback Mountain. Shockingly, some screen caps leaked onto the internet.

Nerve buddy Warren
St. John
wins Gawker’s “Men of the Times” award in the “love
him for his body” category.

Alan Cumming promotes his fragrance, called Cumming.


We feel like this guy who’s mugshot is up on the Smoking
Gun
is the same guy who was screaming into his cell phone next
to us when we were on jury duty last week. We’re so glad he
or
his
doppelganger
got picked up for drunk driving wearing this shirt.


We’re not sure who turns us on more — Mr. Midget Porn or the men on the website Hobosexual.com.

A live billboard was unveiled in Times Square. The Calvin Klein models “have been instructed to create an illusion of a big party twenty-four hours a day” but not to “drink on the billboard or perform risque behavior.” A party without sex or drinking? Until they relax this rule, the models will continue to wander back and forth in the billboard, looking confused.

This artwork funded by the Colorodo Council on the Arts was rejected by the governor and removed from the state’s website because of its original title: “Twelve Dildos on Hooks.”

Nothing says scanner like a 28,000-year-old Germanic
phallus
.

Scanner Interactive!

This week you have not one but two opportunities to share your secrets for mass consumption!

1) Our super-journalist friend Steve Fishman over at New York
Magazine
sent over this request for interviewees: “I’m trying
to find people who stay friends with their exes — especially
those who maintain close, almost familial relationships with a
large circle of ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. Participants can
be single, dating, or married, and I’m interested in talking to
both people for whom these friendships are a happy and satisfying
part of their life, and also people who have a conflict with their
significant other over how many exes they stay in touch with.” You
can talk on or off the record. Email Steve_Fishman@newyorkmag.com.


2) A random Scanner reader sent this request: “I’m developing a non-commercial graduate school project about female self-image. My hope is that by collecting a diverse group of stories, a realistic/non-filtered picture of the pressures to look and feel ‘beautiful’ will be created, showing just how much of an impact this has on everyday life.” The anonymous form is located at: okaysamurai.com.

Or you could just screw the greater good and apply for a job as a nude sportscaster.

In the News

Learn more than you ever wanted to know about Colin Farrell’s sex tape lawsuit here.

China is sending pig sperm into space! Don’t say Communism never accomplished anything worthwhile.

Product Placement
The 2006 firefighters’ calendar comes out this week. We’re waiting for the new Priests of the Vatican.

And the award for most perverse commercial ever made — in which a toothy puppet of Tony Blair blows George Bush, who comes oil in a motel room — goes to . . . Greenpeace!

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover story: Sandra Bullock married Jesse James.

Relevant anecdote: One year at the Austin Music Awards when Sandra was dating musician Bob Schneider, a friend of mine handed out certified documents that read “I’ve been balled by Bob Schneider.”

Us Weekly

Cover story: Jude Law was caught screwing the nanny.

Relvant anecdote: Our best friend called to say she thinks Jude, Sadie, and Sienna are all “despicable” and not worthy of Crush of the Week.

In Touch

Cover story: Katie wants a quiet wedding, but Tom doesn’t!

Relevant anecdote: We once had to kill a Scientology feature because our lawyer said if we ran it it’d be the last thing we ever did.

Star

Cover story: Nicole Richie is WAY too thin.

Relevant anecdote: The Barnes & Noble employee who sold us this magazine agrees with Star. “I used to be totally into her!” he said. “But now there’s not enough there — you know what I mean?” We knew what he meant.



Scanner
appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison, Sarah Crichton,
David Diehl, Skye Tyler and Andy Duncan.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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