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 REGULARS

Crush of the Week
Teresa
Heinz Kerry
has called the first lady role "worse than
going to a Carmelite convent," a fate she presumably rues
because she likes non-convent things like wine and sex and travel
and brazen talk about her husband’s hot running mate. Heinz Kerry
is hot, too, and in a million more ways than campus-hunk Edwards.
She’s your best friend’s cool mom, winking and dispensing obscure
information
about tea
and birth control and fashion. She’s the filthy rich mansion-dwelling
sophisticate in need of a house boy. She’s a former Republican
who’s been at once so blessed and so screwed by life that she’s
got that, "Oh yeah, what now?" swagger of someone
who believes in God but has a few issues with Him. And she’s
like some kind of fairy tale princess; as a child, Maria Teresa
Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira followed her Portuguese
doctor-father into the bush of Mozambique as he made his rounds.
These days, she’s on the campaign trail, delighting reporters
with
her "Shove
It"s
and her Chanel suits (worn with Hermès scarfs and a
huge diamond crucifix planted in her noble cleavage). And you
can tell her husband is really into her. They argue and cuddle
and glower and nuzzle and whisper and grab each other. Sometimes
when he’s talking, she gets bored. Other times, she looks at
him with such lust that you can hear the Dolly Parton
song "Wait’ll I Get You Home" playing in her head.
And for that, she is our Crush of the Week. — Ada Calhoun
Quote of the Week
“I can’t tell
you how many times my pants split right open. Certain parts of
my body were exposed.” — Halle
Berry
on the making of Catwoman. And on singledom: “The
man for me is now the cherry on the pie, but I’m the pie and my
pie is good all by itself, even if I don’t have a cherry. That’s
the way I’m looking at it — my pie is good all by itself.”
“Tone down the boobs, please!” — what Kirsten Dunst told
the creators of the new Spiderman videogame when she saw her character.

“You can throw
me like a lineman/I like it better when it hurts” — from Autobiography,
the debut album of Ashlee
Simpson
(Jessica’s little sister). In the same song, “Lala,” Simpson
offers to dress like a French maid.

“What
am I gonna do — poke someone in the eye with it?” — Nicole
Richie
, indignant at being stopped by security guards when
her nipple ring set off metal detectors at an airport.
In this month’s Interview:

Kanye West: These girls start flashing their breasts!

Jamie Foxx: God made everything, man. God made those breasts.

Kanye West: Man, God didn’t make the ones I saw that night! [both laugh]
Photos
of the Week
Women at a nude model try-out in China.

An Indonesian designer’s new hat: mutant penis-antler chic.

Still more politically motivated nudity: women protest rape by soldiers.
Opera Box
Calixto Bieto, bad boy of the opera world, stages Mozart’s Abduction and the Times reports: "There is enough onstage sex and nudity to make the golden calf orgy in the Met’s production of Moses and Aaron seem
like a Sunday school play. But that’s just the beginning. The
Pasha Salim drags the captured heroine Konstanze around on a
leash and locks her in a cage. Osmin slits the throat and cuts
off the nipples of a prostitute. There is rape and masturbation,
drugs, suicide and the drinking of urine. The cumulative effect
of it all was so numbing that by the time our hero Belmonte gunned
down all the prostitutes, scarcely a boo was heard."
The
Associated Press Scoffs at Hypothetical Lesbian Superhero Sex
"If Laurel and Catwoman started making out at the top of the Hedare beauty headquarters, instead of trying to throw each other off it, even that wouldn’t make the movie any more interesting."
Product Placement
Gay Fuel. Slogan: “What’s in that fab drink?”

For your lesbian niece this Christmas: dyke dolls, with leather strap-ons and vibrators.

You too can be
a lusty dinosaur like Hugh Hefner with a new Xbox game, Playboy:
The Mansion
. "There is nudity and sex in the game," confirms
a Playboy spokeswoman.

Legal Brief
You cannot, we repeat cannot, run around Lincoln, Nebraska naked and posing for various centerfold shots without getting hauled into court, even if you’re a cute blonde twenty-two-year-old.
Christian Sex Poem of the Week
We won’t fall into bed ’til we’re legally wed!

We will not heave [sic] sex; this is what we have said.

We’re not falling for the old standards; we’ll tell you that now.

It’s not bad! Don’t have a cow!

Virginity rules so we’re protecting our rights,

Our bodies are treasures; we won’t give ’em up without a fight.

Sex is serious; perversions we won’t allow.

Abstinence is the way … it’s your right … decide now!

— Posted by a thirteen-year-old virginity enthusiast in the News section of www.VirginityRules.com
Olympics Fun Fact
At the Albertville winter Olympics, condom machines in the athletes’ village had to be refilled every two hours. And in Sydney the organisers’ original order of 70,000 condoms went so fast that they had to order 20,000 more. Even with the replenishment, the supply was exhausted three days before the end of the competition schedule. (For the record, athletes who were in Sydney report that the Cuban delegation was the first to use up its allocation.)
In the News
In response
to the Austrian seminary sex
scandal
, the Pope has asked conservative Bishop Klaus Küng
to investigate, a task that will involve poring over hundreds of
photographs of priests fondling one other. Doesn’t he look
like he enjoys his work?
PETA is trying to prove that vegetarians are better lovers by staging a “live make-out tour.”
According to The New York Observer, women are sick of “emo boys,” men who have emotional baggage and do things like confessing on the first date that they have a small penis.
The Wall
Street Journal
reports that the internet dating site True recently
announced that it now not only does criminal background screenings
of its members but also checks to see if they’re married.
A
new study says that for men, workplace stress is often caused by not
getting enough sex. So you can imagine how miserable the working
men of Alaska are. The Times just
ran another story about how lonely they are up there. “Complicating
matters for lovelorn men, Anchorage and Fairbanks, the state’s
two largest cities, are becoming the fastest-growing hot spots
of a new demographic — lesbians.”
Southwest is the single person’s airline. The company claims that their open-seating policy (customers choose their seats) allows romance to blossom. “At times we feel that we are the love brokers of the sky,” said airline spokesperson Ed Stewart.
Gay marriage is legal in Canada, but gay divorce isn’t; gay couples can’t legally de-wed until the law is amended.
People in the military can get plastic surgery for free, including breast implants and face lifts. But if you want the former, you have to bring your own implants.
In Development
Former Cheers star Kirstie Alley has just signed on with Showtime to do an unscripted comedy series called Fat Actress. The show will be based loosely on the exploits of Alley, who has become tabloid fodder since weighing in at a reported 275 pounds. “They don’t give a damn how much I eat or how many men I sleep with, as long as it’s on camera,” said Alley.

Britney might star in a Bollywood film.

The first ever British porn film festival is accepting entries.
Madonna has started singing in Yiddish.
BBC Three will show the first ever televised sperm race. The producers of Big Brother have conceived of the show, in which one thousand men will compete to father a child. The mother will choose one finalist based on intelligence, fitness and sex appeal. The producers will choose the second finalist for genetic compatibility. The two will then compete in a sperm race, and the insemination process will be filmed.
Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: Martha Stewart, half-smiling in a soul-crushing kind of way.

Top stories: Martha’s getting ready for jail; Kirsten and Jake split up; Dale Earnhardt, Jr. smashed up his car.

Innuendo: Jail is going to kick Martha Stewart’s ass.

Sex promised/delivered: 6/6. A decent look at Martha’s likely prison routine
and
cute photos of the Kerry daughters, but creepy follow-up on the Swan contestants.

Us Weekly

Cover: Cameron Diaz, smiling with her eyes kind of closed.

Top stories: Cameron Diaz says Justin did not — she repeats, did not — cheat
on
her.

Innuendo: Suuure, he didn’t.

Sex promised/delivered: 9/9. Justin has been dubbed "Trousersnake" by the British press after an alleged tryst with a Lara Croft impersonator. Bonus: a photo on page twenty-seven of Britney grabbing her fiancé’s crotch with the headline "Mitts on His Bits!"

In Touch

Cover: Jennifer Aniston, smiling in a forced, pissed-off kind of way.

Top stories: Aniston is thinking about plastic surgery.

Innuendo: Please ignore the fact that everyone in America is thinking about plastic
surgery
and pretend this is a big deal.

Sex promised/delivered: 4/5. Bad hair days, real-life celebrity kisses, and the
shortest marriages in Hollywood.

Star

Cover: Mariah Carey, smiling broadly.

Top stories: "Busts & Butts! Who’s Poppping Up! Who’s Drooping Down!"

Innuendo: For the rest of the Summer, we at Star are just going to alternate between calling Mary-Kate a cokehead and pointing out that Britney Spears has cellulite.

Sex promised/delivered: 10/8. Phoned in, with the exception of these winning
observations: "Not
that
innocent:
Brit
straddles
her
man
at the Ritz-Carlton pool" and "Is Hugh Grant a Man-Slut?"
Sign of the Apocalypse

People who spend a lot of time online are getting really into this shallow, high maintenance lunatic Blaire’s quest to find a husband by the holiday season. She’s got the wedding all planned; just needs a man — a "hip," "with it," "active," Jewish man who is over 5’8 and under 32-years-old — to fill the suit. Her website, marryblaire.com, has received more than 10,000 unique visitors.

Scanner appears Tuesdays.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.



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