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Photo of the Week
The
PETA Make-Out Protest
.
Quote of the Week
“I tell the younger ones, ‘I could be your mum.’ And they say, ‘But you’re not.’ Yahoo! Women my age, we want to have sex and are happy to say, ‘I want to have sex.'” — Sharon Stone.
Sex = Death = Soda


Is anyone else freaked out by those Nestea commercials
where the snowman-skeleton and the sexy girl have that weird exchange
in the laundromat? It seems a lot like Munch’s “Death and the Maiden” to
us. Or like some possibly pornographic combination of The Nightmare
Before Christmas
and
the California Raisins.
Revenge of the Nerds
Someone created
a program called Eliza that behaves like a sexed-up girl in
a chat room, and dozens of people unwittingly had virtual sex with “her.” The
humble creator: “i’m
not smart enough to make like neural networks and natural language
parsing and contextual
branching decision matrices, but i sure as hell know how to talk
like a guy pretending to be a dumb girl. it is sort of like jenny18:
heeeeeyyyy how r u? =) wanna sex? lol” Transcripts of the sexual
encounters may be read here.

An artist named Jon Haddock Photoshops the naked people out of internet pornography.

Pop Culture Watch
Vincent Gallo has erected a billboard for his misbegotten film Brown Bunny in L.A. The scene depicted? Why, the one in which he’s receiving a blowjob from Chloe Sevigny, of course!

In an upcoming episode of The
Simpsons
, gay marriage will be legalized in Springfield. According
to a spokesperson, "a longtime character comes out of the closet,
but I’m not saying who."

The Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears battle takes a new turn this
week as Brit parades around in an “I’m a Virgin (but this is an old
shirt)” tanktop while her fiancé’s ex-girlfriend tends to his
infant son; Christina, meanwhile, seeming downright classy by comparison,
appears in these ads for
Skechers.

In the News
The Vatican warned
against the dangers of radical feminism in a thirty-seven-page document
by one of the Pope’s closest aides. Such a push for equality, the
text
claims,
makes "homosexuality and heterosexuality virtually equivalent,
in a new model of polymorphous sexuality."

There are a lot of homosexuals in Greenwich Village, according to the handy Gay and Lesbian Atlas. PDF maps of New York City and Washington, D.C. are available online.

Sacramento firefighters are disciplined for attending a porn star costume party.

The Japanese government is adding name characters to its language, and did not want to make judgments about what parents could name their children, so they added some unusual ones: prostitute, buttocks, piles, vagina and slur.

Product Placement

The working man’s skirt, a.k.a. the “Utilikilt” is so liberating, pledges its website, that “your burden will be lighter, your sense of freedom less impaired, and your sense of yourself, will have room to grow.”

Less secure men can instead order a $20 “bulge” online.

Tired of waking up to the radio? The Ah! Larm will rouse you with the sound of an actressy sounding woman’s voice calling out “Ooh yeah, that’s it! You’re a bad boy! Harder! Deeper!”

A blogger observes that the Dodge Ram symbol greatly resembles the “female reproductive system with nostrils.”

Tabloid Fodder
People

Cover: Kirstie Alley, looking plucky.

Meanest-spirited column: Nick Carter talks about his breakup with Paris Hilton. "I just want everybody to know that I’m single and ready to have fun again," he says.

Weirdest bit of gossip: Denzel Washington talks to his plants and has a collapsible
pinkie finger.

Sex promised/delivered: 6/4. The "raucous chat with Kirstie Alley" reveals
that she was once addicted to Stewart’s grape soda. She recalls popping "fourteen
a day — like a nut."
In Touch

Cover: Mary-Kate, with Kabbalah bracelet, looking a little stoned.

Meanest-spirited column: “Who looks better after the breakup?” An example: "Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke … Ethan’s hurt is written all over his emaciated face. But, perhaps because of her new love, Andre Balazs, Uma’s beaming beauty proves as resilient as her kickin’ Kill Bill character!” An illustration reading "Winner!" is posted next to Uma’s photo.

Weirdest bit of gossip: Now that she’s engaged, Star Jones is abstaining from sex in anticipation of her wedding.

Sex promised/delivered: 6/7. Kind of a great issue, due to insanity: did you know Don Johnson has a German shepherd named Aaron whose thought-bubble reads, "I’m not scary … I’m Miami nice!"
Us Weekly

Cover: "Jen Garner and Ben Affleck: Are they Dating?"

Meanest-spirited column: "Talking on his cell phone shows someone is taking
priority over his son [with whom he’s shown playing ball]," says Whitmore
of Tommy Lee.

Weirdest bit of gossip: Paris Hilton wants to have three kids — "a boy first, to protect the girls."

Sex promised/delivered: 8/7 (10 if you’re attracted to Lindsay Lohan, who is
on nearly every page).
Star

Cover: "Reunited! She’s Out! Mary-Kate Jets Home on Private Plane"

Meanest-spirited column: Photos of firefighters from the new FDNY calendar next to quotes that make them sound dumb, like "I wanted to cure cancer, but the physics classes were too hard. So I found another way to help people."

Sex promised/delivered: 9/8. Terrifying photos of crazy, skinny Anna Nicole open the issue, along with a quote about how she’s "one of the most beautiful women on the planet," to which Star says, “Who Can Argue?”
Sign of the Apocalypse
The Jackhammer Jesus dildo from Divine
Interventions
: “Jesus was a carpenter, now he’s the power tool."

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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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