Regulars

Scanner

Pin it

 REGULARS

Crush of the Week
We can’t bring ourselves to see that romantic
comedy Little
Black Book
, because we’ve already reached our quota for movies
about how successful women are insecure twits, lusty for either clingy
co-dependencies or for icy vengeance, and in their pursuit of these
are shallow, spiteful, and certainly can’t be trusted (especially if
they have hair as pretty as Holly Hunter’s). The New York Times went
on about the film’s "cruelty" and “rancid strains;” the L.A.
Times
was more blunt, calling it "an irrefutably bad movie." But
for some weird reason, we’re kind of fluttery about Brittany Murphy,
and not entirely because of her brilliant performance as "I have
been going down a shame spiral" Tai in Clueless. Sure,
she’s made eighteen or so bad movies with "girl" in the title
and seems to have no shame whatsoever about that or any of her other
missteps. But like you haven’t dated some dumb lug
like Ashton Kutcher and told lots of people you were thinking about
marrying
him. What’s lovely about her is, in fact, her missteps. In an interview
recently, Holly Hunter paid Murphy an odd compliment, saying
she’s very "open" and makes "no judgment about what
is put in front of her." Isn’t that the very definition of a slut? "I
lost my virginity in a car. But it wasn’t a very nice one," Murphy
once told Maxim. So, she’s passionately thrown herself into
the making of movies, if not very nice ones. Give the girl some points
for humility. You don’t see sluttiness and modesty paired like that
very often. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada
Calhoun
Photo of the Week
Phallic fruit always draws a crowd.
Quotes of the Week
“I have cellulite. I have stretch marks. My breasts are not what they were before I breast-fed two children. I’m prudish and nervous. It makes me nervous when I see a woman with her midriff showing. I would never do that on purpose, and if it happened by accident I’d be mortified.The way I was brought up, I wasn’t allowed to wear black and I wasn’t allowed to wear bikinis. It was all about what was appropriate. If ever I have to do a bikini scene, it will become a kaftan scene.” — Reese Witherspoon

"I will never be down with love. Ever. I’m the guy who loves relationships.
I love women … I’m the guy who’s going to get married again. I’m
not going to give up on that. I really love that kind of friendship
and intimacy … I know I’ll get married again one day. I know I’ll
meet someone sometime and I’ll have another go at it." — Tom "Doth
Protest Too Much" Cruise

"You would not believe how many recreational handcuffs I have seen in property rooms at airports around the country. I don’t want to single out J.F.K., but the ones I’ve seen there were lined in everything from suede to fake fur.” — Mark Hatfield Jr., director of communications and public information, Transportation Security Administration

"The as-yet-imaginary Pitt-Aniston zygote has taken on a royal, if not biblical, place in the media’s imagination." — Rebecca Traister on "Pregnancy Porn" on Salon

“What makes Checkpoint a work of pornography isn’t that its characters debate killing George W. Bush. What makes it pornography is the shameless way it panders to its readers’ crudest beliefs.” — Timothy Noah on “Assasination Porn” on Slate

Moral Decay Alert
The New York Times says America’s obsession with penises has gone quite far enough, thank you:

* "Imagery that used to see limited exposure, mainly under
brown paper wrappers or in the XXX sex stores that defined Manhattan’s
tenderloin, has migrated without
any particular fanfare to the main selling floor of department stores."

* “There
are no statistics, really, to quantify our cultural obsession with male genitalia.
But if anything can be extrapolated from the recent Internet frenzy surrounding
nude scenes from Colin Farrell’s new film, A Home at the End of the World — apparently
excised because the actor’s member distracted from the narrative flow — it
is that the percentage of people who dwell on these matters is considerable.”

* “‘You
know, I don’t think any of us ever consciously said, ‘We’re going to display
genitals,’ said Bob Mazzoli, who has been the chief creative director
of Calvin Klein underwear since the product’s inception. ‘It just seems
right for us.’"

This Week’s Most Titter-Worthy AOL Instant Messenger News Flash
"New species of underwater bone-eating worm found."
The
Boob-Flashing Celebrity Army Jiggles On


Merry widow Anna Nicole Smith’s breast (above
left) joggled out of her clothes at the G-Phoria Video Game Awards
(the most pornographic-sounding
award show of all time). The Superficial has a video of the clinically
insane Smith’s presentation and
a bonus photograph of Demi Moore’s recent display (below left).
This Week’s Weirdest Invocation of Feminism
The
Economist
reports that according to Star editorial
director Bonnie Fuller, tabloid journalism is feminist:

"In
Ms Fuller’s view, the Star‘s success may reflect a growing
self-confidence among women, who have progressed from wanting
self-help advice to being able to find humour in the vain pursuit
of perfection."

Right. And speaking of our beloved Star,
given the fact that “the legal department at Star is second
to none” (as Victoria Gotti said in
the Times Magazine recently), we’re shocked they dropped their
accusations that Mary-Kate Olsen was in fact being treated for
cocaine addiction, not anorexia. Wherefore your journalistic
integrity, Star? You can’t so boldly assert “It’s Drugs!” on
your cover one week, "It’s More Serious!" two weeks
later, and then end the trilogy with, “Oh, never mind.”

In Development
Rosie O’Donnell is working on a show for HBO
that would document the first gay family cruise offered by R Family Vacations, a family-friendly
travel company for the gay community that she and wife, Kelli O’Donnell,
launched earlier this year.
A German reality show called Fight for Your Wife will take men who’ve been dumped by their wives and whip them into shape so the women will consider taking back their men. Five thousand potential contestants have registered, even though there’s no prize (except, of course, their wives, if everything works out).
Some Spam Gets an A for Effort
 
 
                                                   {((((((} 
                                                 {))))))))) 
                                               (((((  _  _)) 
                                               )))))) . (.(( 
                                               ((((((    >))) 
                                             _))))))   - /( 
                                          .-'  (((((.--' ))) 
                   .-'''''-._          _.-'         :: ((((( 
                 .`          '-.    .-'     _.-''  :::))))))) 
                 :              ':-:    _.-' :'   .:::(((((( 
                 :               .:   .:: : :     ::::))))))) 
                  :.          ..::   .:: : '      ::::(((((( 
                  :.        (:::  .:::: : :      o ::))))))) 
      _.-.         :.        \/  :-'-'-'-'`'-.-'`:: :(((((( 
  __.-'   _\       _ :.        \ /             ))):.  :)))))) 
 (    .-' ;;'-.-''' '':.        :             (((((:.  :(((( 
  ```'-..-.;._  _.-''-.\         :             ))))):.   )))) 
  __.-'   _\_.`'        \        :            (((((((:. '((( 
(    _.-' ;;                     :                    :. '---.__ 
 `'''-....;;,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,;,___:                      \:..b====' 
          
In the News
Tom Brokaw says Bush and Kerry had sex: an innocent flub of "… Bush and Kerry accepts" or an earth-shattering truth struggling to be revealed?

Former porn star Cicciolina is running for Mayor of Milan, pledging to make the city more "exciting," and to maybe "open a casino" if she is elected.

The twenty-one-year-old former student of Mary
Kay Letourneau
would like to reunite with her now that she’s out
of prison for raping him.

China has its first ever sex-toy expo.

Tigger,
who had been accused of groping a thirteen-year-old girl, is aquitted
and reapplies for his old job at Disney. Yes, please get him back in
costume!

The gatehouse at the bottom of Beckingham Drive (near’s David
and Victoria Beckham
‘s home, Beckingham Palace) is up for sale.
Only £750K, which you could make back in a week of selling photos
of the couple to British tabloids.

How hippiefied is the Finger Lakes region? Children dressed up as female
genitalia
for
a parade, and the costume designer wrote into the Ithaca
Journal
to defend the outfits as “inspired by the feminist artwork
of Judy Chicago and the dramatic work of Eve Ensler … If we are to
rebalance the earth’s currently masculine/ patriarchal energies with
the strength of feminine energy, we have to redefine
the "yoni" for the 21st century.”

Other towns aren’t so open-minded: Vincent Gallo’s "Hey, L.A.,
look at me getting a blowjob from Chlöe Sevigny!" billboard has
been taken down.

A man in the Philadelphia area has started a website called devirginizemarc.com in
the hopes that someone will take the bait. Here’s how he describes
himself: “Interests: board games, roadtrips, gambling, naps, strength
training, Seinfeld, politics, philosophy, SQL, Christmas lights, weather
patterns, political maps, business and entrepreneurship, passionate
love-making, romance, debates and discussions." Weather patterns,
romance AND Christmas lights?! Ladies, start your engines.

The Indian government subsidizes condoms for weavers, who use the lubricated brand to speed up their looms (yeah, right). The new practice results in an arresting headline for the BBC: "Condoms Oil Wheels of Industry."

A Pennsylvanian Lady Godiva is busted for
a naked motorcycle joyride. The police report states: “…The female
raised her legs, further exposing herself, and put her feet on
the male driver … Unsteady on her feet, she was belligerent,
her eyes were bloodshot and glossy … These signs indicated that
she was under the influence of alcohol and/or controlled substance.” Ya
think?

Korea’s wife-training school is going strong, reports the BBC. The Institute for Etiquette and Wisdom teaches things like how a woman should rebuff a man’s attempt to hold her hand. (Refuse twice, before accepting on the third try.)
The
worst dentist of all time
is
suspected of injecting semen into the mouths of six female patient.
According to the Smoking Gun, Dr. John Hall once told a patient "he
was going to put something in her mouth that would taste funny, but
would stop the bleeding."
Extra! Extra! Apparently, porn blogs take shameless advantage of Google in a ploy to increase their page ranking. We are shocked, just shocked.
Product Placement

The Boyfriend Pillow.

Iceland introduces Pizzagra: the first aphrodisiac pizza, which will contain ingredients believed to increase the sex drive of men and women: artichoke, asparagus, ginger, chocolate and banana.

Planned Parenthood, in addition to offering birth control to low-income women, now sells beach balls.

Christian nudists invite you to "Reject Shame."

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: “Lori Hacking: His Lies, Her Murder”

Size of fat-lipped Paris Hilton photo on Cover: 2" x 2"

Angle on Paris Hilton battering: Pragmatic. "You can’t date Paris seriously without drama."

Sex promised/delivered: 4/5.

In Touch

Cover: "Does J. Lo Want Ben Back?"

Size of fat-lipped Paris Hilton photo on Cover: 1" x 2"

Angle on Paris Hilton battering: Upbeat. "Paris didn’t let her injuries slow her down. She partied with Tara Reid and hockey player Cody Leibel, then went to New York for a polo match and charity event."

Sex promised/delivered: 6/8.

Us Weekly

Cover: “Jen Schefft Exclusive: Back as the Bachelorette!”

Size of fat-lipped Paris Hilton photo on Cover: None. Only a smiling photo of Paris (1" x 2") and Nick in happier times.

Angle on Paris Hilton battering: Smug. Hilton is a "jerk magnet;" Carter comes from a trashy family.

Sex promised/delivered: 4/7.

Star

Cover: “Fights! Cheating! Lies!”

Size of fat-lipped Paris Hilton photo on Cover: 5" x 9"

Angle on Paris Hilton battering: Lusty. An investigative report indicates that "When they are not partying, they hate each other, but when they have a few drinks they are in love." But there is "no doubt they’re going to hook up again."

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10.

 

Scanner
appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.



Previous Scanner

© 2004 Nerve.com, Inc.