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Crush of the Week

Who says there’s no good porn for women? Case in point: the BBC’s 1995 Pride and Prejudice. We dare any straight female to watch Colin Firth strolling the grounds of Pemberly post-swim and not suddenly want to jump every haughty man in sight. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

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Quotes of the Week

"In a sort of a naive way, I felt that there was nothing terrible about it since the Vagina Monologues was on Broadway forever." — What the owner said when critics objected to his L.A. strip club’s new billboard slogan, Vaginas ‘R Us. Later, BoingBoing readers took issue with the sign’s grammar.
"FISHER STUNNED BY NUMBER OF NYMPHOMANIACS" — Best headline of the week, from a piece about Isla Fisher of Wedding Crashers.
"I found that if you made men more insecure about their masculinity,
they displayed more homophobic attitudes, tended to support the Iraq
war more and would be more willing to purchase an SUV over another
type of vehicle." — The results of a recent Cornell study.
"A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even ‘think’ effeminately." — One of the seven things to look for, according to Focus on the Family, when determining if your five-year-old son is gay.
"’Naked Macbeth: The Stripped-Down Retelling of a Classic.’ All male. Seeking Twelve Men: excellent physical condition, nudity required."— Casting notice of the week.
"The first thing to go through my mind here was ‘I thought Jenna Jameson had more class than that.’ Does that say more about her, or Mike Tyson, or me?"— Gwynne, our office manager, upon hearing that Mike Tyson and Jenna Jameson would be making a porn film together.
"They had straight Sex. It praises: ‘Man, you was mad!’ What means that?

a) You brought me to the high point!

b) Went faster, than I thought!

c) Man, that was sharper than in the Pornokino!" — One of the questions in a German quiz on "what women really mean," filtered through Google translator. We took the test in German and translated the decision it reached about us: "It does not belong necessarily to your talents to understand what women want really." Certainly not as well as the quiz’s mascot (left).
"One version [of a commercial] features a
tough-talking unborn baby threatening to rip out part of his mother’s
womb if she doesn’t stop eating jalapeno peppers."
— From a recent American Family Association mailing that urges a boycott of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s because of their racy commercials.
"Eric:

I promise to love, honor, and [crossed out: obey] cherish you, in sickness and in health,
in
poverty and wealth, in times of sorrow and times of joy. I will be your friend,
your lover, your confidant. I promise to never stop trying to become the patient,
understanding woman you deserve.


Love,

Your wife

Kathleen" — From the world’s first legal marriage by blog.
Photos of the Week

Heidi Klum ups the “naked and pregnant” ante. It could have been Britney, y’all.

Courtney Love has no respect for classy events like the Pamela Anderson roast.
The rotten food gross-out factor on the website thingsinrubbers.com seems gratuitously high, but there are some artistic selections. Our favorite: goggles, just for the mental image of some guy doing that pillowcase shake to get them all the way in there.
R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet” Cliff Notes.
When people ask us what our summer was like, we just send them this picture.
Belgian designers Quinze & Milan (who have worked on Brad Pitt’s mansion) created this new upscale brothel in Antwerp.
From Our Inbox
“On Tuesday evening, August 16, The Museum of Sex will host members of New York’s Clothing Optional Dinners group for a private “clothing-optional” viewing of its latest installation, ‘Men Without Suits’ . . . Clothing Optional Dinners hosts monthly events for its mixed-gender membership including naked yoga and high tea, dinners and cocktail parties.”
Product Placement

Jessica Simpson: now interactive!

The RuPaul doll, made by Integrity Toys. The website’s music goes quite well with Chad Vangaalen, for those of you who do web searches while listening to iTunes.
Public Service Announcement: If you see RuPaul and Porn Star Bears sitting on your blind date’s mantle, back slowly out of the apartment.
Turn your toothbrush into a penis.
Tabloid Fodder: The Cosmology Edition
God: Peter Jennings, beacon of justice and strength.
Devil: Eddie Murphy, whose 1997 episode with that transsexual prostitute hitchhiker paved the way to his impending divorce.
Creation myth: The world was born of Julia Roberts’ and Dave Matthews’ mutual admiration.
God: Jennifer Aniston, that graceful, lovely girl next door.
Devil: Angelina Jolie, that home-wrecking whore, who says it’s Jen’s own workaholic fault Brad left her.
Creation myth: The life force guiding the cosmos is Brad Pitt’s infinite virility.
God: Hot, doting father figure Ryan Philippe.
Devil: Hot, callow philanderer Jude Law.
Creation myth: The world is made up of an eternal struggle between using one’s hotness for good or evil.

God: Omnipotent Brittany Murphy, who rides around on the back of a white horse.
Devil: Tom Cruise, whose marriage is starting to look like Hades-Persephone redux.
Creation myth: Jessica Simpson’s “booty boom.”



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison, Sarah Crichton,
David Diehl, Skye Tyler and Andy Duncan.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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