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Crush of the Week

We found this photo of Mariah
Carey
in the Sunday Times hypnotic. It’s not so much that
she’s wearing unbuttoned Daisy Dukes and a cropped peasant shirt and
flirting with adolescent boys; it’s that they are paying no attention
to her whatsoever
.
She is so disturbingly unsexy that she is fascinating. Just as Glitter is
not so bad a movie that it’s a good movie, her dazzling unsexiness
does not make her sexy, but it does take your breath away, making you
think about her — is she an android? Is she an alien? Is she
going to hurt me?
— maybe more than you should. And for that,
she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quote of the Week

“If you are a woman in Washington and dress well, you are suspect. It means you are not spending enough time studying the Law of the Sea Treaty. If you dress in a dowdy way — and I hate that word — people think you’re really at home at night going over quorum call records.” — Maureen Dowd in the next issue of W

Photos
of the Week

This Reuters photo ran
with the explanatory caption: “Russian water polo player Maria Yaina
prepares for team training at the Athens Olympic Aquatic centre on
August 13,
2004. The water polo competition starts on August 15.”

Athena and Phevos — the most phallic Olympic mascots ever?

The Sun ran this photo of
J.Lo, suggesting it shows she’s pregnant.

The
Spiritual Evolution of the Guess Girl

The Guess girl
looked deep within herself in 2001 and freaked out about what she found
there. In reaction, she did lots of acid in 2002 and had
hotel-room orgies in 2003. But now, in 2004, she can sit by the pool,
having come
through all that debauchery and wonder, was it all a dream?

Moral Decay Alert
The New York Times Sports section writes casually about Olympians showing up naked in Playboy and FHM, but Diana Nyad in Sunday’s View section, finds her “feathers ruffled” by an Olympic swimmer "tugging down her G-string bathing suit, thrusting out her chest, and pouting in that annoying runway pose that says, ‘Come take me, bad boy.’"
Star-Crossed Thursday


Governor James McGreevy quit over his gay sex scandal and almost simultaneously,
gay marriage was repealed in California.

In the News

Nicky Hilton married her money-manager boyfriend Todd Andrew Meister at two-thirty in the morning in Las Vegas. Says her spokesperson: "This is a real, meaningful, loving relationship. They are glowing."

Tom Wolfe’s new novel I Am Charlotte Simmons will be censored when it is excerpted in The New York Times. The phrases "need some ass," "get some ass" and "get laid" are reportedly being replaced with the words "sexual activity" in brackets.

Al Goldstein, the former publisher of Screw magazine, is now broke and sleeping on his in-laws’ floor.


Donald Sterling, the married seventy-year-old owner of the Los Angeles Clippers admitted to regularly cheating on his wife with a $500-a-trick prostitute. "It was purely sex for money, money for sex, sex for money, money for sex," he said, adding "maybe I morally did something wrong."

But Sterling has nothing on Richard A. Dasen Sr., a Montana community leader
who ran a group called "Christian Financial Counseling" and was active
in the anti-abortion momement. Dasen was recently arrested for
allegedly paying women more than a million dollars for sex over the course of
the past decade. He made their debt go away if he was satisfied with their sexual
performance, but if not, he had their cars repossessed. As many of the women
he "helped" were drug addicts, the city attorney says, "He pretty
much single-handedly funded the methamphetamine trade here in Kalispell for a
number of years."

The
Washington Post
sounds kind of sweet on Jessica “Washingtonienne” Cutler
in its long profile of the trampy Capitol Hill blogger we interviewed back
in May and who has since posed for Playboy. To wit: "Jessica
tottered down the Russell Building’s marble hallways atop the cute,
nude-colored sandals that she liked to think made her legs look longer
and sexier. She tugged forlornly at the cardigan she wore to cover
her strapless pink birthday-girl-going-out-tonight dress … She’s
a next-generation Monica, still snapping her thong and gabbing to the
girls, only more cynical: free of romantic illusions about powerful
men who are going to leave their wives. She’s a real-life, Sex and
the City
-style Samantha who says sex is pure sport. She is an American
uber-individualist demanding the right to tell her own story her own
way."

A Canadian judge tried
to scare teens away from crime with this line: “I don’t know whether
you’re prepared to consider yourself the girlfriend of some guy in
there. But that’s what awaits you. An eighteen-year-old fresh face
comes in and it’s fair game. Think about that.”

Product Placement

Patricia Field‘s Soho boutique Venus is selling clothes with porn as the fabric print (sourced from street vendors in Sao Paolo) and t-shirts silk-screened with phonebooth ads of London hookers.

Get your hair cut by a hot chick in Utah at novelty salon Bikini Cuts. Their bumper-sticker slogan is: "My Stylist Is Hotter Than Yours!”

An Australian
sunscreen ad
encourges you to protect your largest organ — your
skin.

As of this week, Get Lucky TV will broadcast the
Naked News
— in the course of reporting the events of
the day, the hot female anchors will strip.
Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: "Family Ties"

This week’s defensive celebrity/what she’s defensive about: Britney
Spears/being a home-wrecker.

Strength of her case: Weak. Kid looks baffled on cover in between daddy
and the overeager blonde lady with the grin and the puppy.

Sex promised/delivered: 7/4. Hey, Fred Savage got married, everybody!

In Touch

Cover: "Kirstie’s Dilemma"

This week’s defensive celebrity/what she’s defensive about: Kirstie
Alley/self-loathing.

Strength of her case: Undermined by those damn anonymous friends! "Kirstie
knows she’s always been attractive, but since she packed on so much
weight, she doesn’t even allow herself to think about sex."

Sex promised/delivered: 8/6. Lindsay Lohan’s family sure is scary-looking.
Wow.

Us Weekly

Cover: "Kate on Split Rumor: ‘It’s Not True!’"

This week’s defensive celebrity/what she’s defensive about: Kate
Hudson/deteriorating marriage.

Strength of her case: Pro-baby quotes like "Chris and I are sharing
something gigantic now" are undermined by the sidebar, "Can a baby save a marriage?"

Sex promised/delivered: 7/7. Some great candid photos of fights and sneezing.

Star

Cover: "Demi’s NEW Plastic Surgery Shocker!"

This week’s defensive celebrity/what he’s defensive about: Matthew
Perry/young girlfriend.

Strength of his case: Bafflingly strong. He sounds so delirious ("Rachel
[the girlfriend] isn’t similar to any of the Friends characters, because
the Friends characters
aren’t real”), it must be true love.

Sex promised/delivered: 8/9. Photos of ugly celebrity knees and a Photoshopped
spread of Martha’s jail cell ("in shades of sunny green and yellow")
don’t leave a lot of room for excuses in Star.

 

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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.



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