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Crush of the Week
The Mongolian Cow Sour Yogurt Super Girl
Contest,
China’s answer to American Idol, has made Zhang Hanyun a household name. Although she was only the second runner
up, she has given hope to reality TV runners-up everywhere by eclipsing the actual
winner to become the spokeswoman for Mongolian Cow Sour Yogurt. “As soon as I learnt the concept of a star, I wanted to be one,” she’s been quoted as saying. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Sarah Crichton

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Quotes of the Week

Guy: “We men don’t know our place in society anymore.”

Girl: “Oh, so that’s the problem?”

Guy: “Yeah, but if we did know what we were doing . . .”

Girl: “Watch out?”

Guy: “Exactly.” — A majorly flirtatious exchange we just witnessed between two strangers at a magazine store on Spring Street.

“I did it and I’d do it again!” — What seventy-eight-year-old Lena Driskell reportedly yelled at officers while waving an antique handgun she’d just fired at her eighty-five-year-old ex-boyfriend.
Q: “Have you thought of doing a record called The Praying Mantis Keeper?”

A: “It’s scary, because as a woman, number one, I don’t see myself killing my mate, or chopping his head off after sex. You follow me?”

Q: “I think so. You’re basically saying you would never really kill anyone unless you sorta had to, as a songwriter.”

A: “As a lioness force. As a lioness who’s protecting her cubs.” — It’s the rare Tori Amos interview in which you can actually hear the reporter’s eyes rolling.
Photos of the Week

Diane Lane’s mother!

What’s up with everyone turning into vicious size queens over Jude
Law
‘s perfectly fine penis? Especially when it’s so much more pleasant than the terrifying Tom Sizemore porn now online.
Meanwhile, sex writer Rachel Kramer Bussel is featured in a photo spread that Fleshbot channels ’60s Playboy centerfold copy to describe: “Brainy beauties like Rachel Kramer Bussel don’t come along every day…”
A farmer posted a personal ad in a cow pasture.
Carrot Top has comedy’s most improbable body.
Janice Dickinson has the best driver’s license photo ever.
The love between Batman and Robin is consummated at last.
Even though we have the press kit sitting here on our desk, we find it hard to believe that Burger King’s new ad campaign centers around a fake band called “Coq Roq.” The subtlety of penises hidden on Camel cigarette packs apparently has been replaced by straightforward proclamations like: “Groupies love the Coq.”
In related news, we’re sick we missed the World’s Largest Sausage Eating Contest.
From Our Inbox
“I’m writing a ‘what women want’ story today based on a Playgirl magazine survey that found many women prefer average Joes (aka love handles
and chest hair). I would really like to get your expert opinion
on the issue. Can you get back
to me ASAP?”

Sometimes we get the feeling that at every hour of
every day, someone, somewhere, is writing a “what women want” story.

In The News
Turns out Romeo and Juliet, the swans in Boston’s Public Garden, are lesbians.
Crispin Glover will do the voice of Grendel in an upcoming
Zemeckis film
of Beowulf, in which Angelina Jolie will
be the voice of Grendel’s mother. Here’s a picture of
Grendel apprarently drawn by Napoleon Dynamite. Intern Sarah adds
that grendel should not be confused with grundle, which is slang for
the region between the genitals and the anus.
In addition to books, the library in Sweden is now loaning out gay people and members of other minorities as part of a program called “Borrow a Bias.” The idea is you go get one of whatever group you’re biased against and confront the prejudice in a forty-five minute session. In addition to a gay man and a gay woman, you can rent an imam, a Muslim woman, a Gypsy, and animal-rights advocate and . . . a journalist.
The film site GreenCine is starting a spin-off site that will focus on arthouse porn.
The uncensored new video for tATu takes a while to load, so here’s the gist: If you’re streetwalking and pick up a john then suddenly get out of bed during sex and flip him off and he tries to beat you up, it’s handy if (a) you have access to a high-caliber handgun and (b) the other half of your faux-lesbian Russian pop group just happens to be cruising around singing about you at the exact moment that you need a getaway car.
Product Placement

Get your sexually suggestive Red Sox T-shirts here. Slogans include: “I’d go fah with Millah” and “This fanny’s for Manny.” Notably absent: “This Johnson’s for Bronson.”
The Vegan Sex Shop offers a solar-powered
vibrator
, because who needs orgasms on cloudy days? See also Veg
Porn
, which features only vegetarian and vegan models.
Intern Sarah bought this can of spotted dick at Fairway — and they didn’t even card her.
Sign of the Apocalypse
The return of the chastity belt.
Tabloid Fodder: The Class Warfare Edition
Class: Upper middle.
Goal: Maintain the status quo. Very pregnant Britney beams down on her utterly predictable baby shower. Plus, a few real-life forty-year-old virgins wax smug.

Successful?: Yes. People reinforces a traditional sense of Americana.

Class: Middle middle.

Goal: Cling to the norm for dear life. Matt LeBlanc’s stripper indiscretion and subsequent mea-culpaing is rehashed. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are “getting ready for baby!”
Successful?: Yawn, yup.
Class: Lower middle.

Goal: Keep it real. What do we care about? Babies! When do we want them? Now! What if Sienna Miller isn’t really pregnant? Stick a hypothetical in the cover line!
Successful?: Yeah, but envy creeps into items like this one about Britney: “She will deliver her baby in a special pool filled with 1,000 one-liter bottles of specially blessed Kabbalah water.”

Class: Lowest of the low.

Goal: With nothing to lose, shoot for the moon. “Do you miss Brad?” Angelina coos to her infant daughter. “Mommy misses Brad.”
Successful?: You bet. The moral: ruthlessness always pays.



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison, Sarah Crichton,
David Diehl, Skye Tyler and Andy Duncan.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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