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Crush of the Week

R. Kelly has an
album coming out this week called Happy People/U Saved Me, which
is essentially about two things: (1) being giddily sexy and (2) loving
Jesus. Born Robert Kelly in Chicago, the R&B "Ignition" genius
is best known to some as a statutory rapist, having married Aaliyah
when she was fifteen and classily produced her album titled Age
Ain’t Nothing But a Number
. Kelly has also reportedly had sex with
numerous other teenage girls, some on video. And while we don’t condone
that kind of thing, you get the sense from listening to his very terrific,
very dirty songs — like "I
Like the Crotch on You" and "Sex Me (Parts One and Two)" — that
R. Kelly is not really guilty of sleeping with younger girls because
he is, at least in his heart, twelve. In the song "Dream
Girl," he speaks of women in the mystified, slightly
scared manner of a boy gazing at his first Playboy: "On
a beach with white sand and all white doves/ Dream girl, let’s cuddle
up/ Somewhere,
wherever and make sweet love." He just wants to feed you "strawberries
and whipped cream," while there are "candles and oils surrounding
the bed," then pad around "butt-naked, sweat socks and house
shoes." And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada

Quotes of the Week

“Escorting is the new temp job." — John Cameron Mitchell

"Being a family newspaper, The New York Times probably doesn’t view fucking as an art." — Neil Strauss, co-writer of How To Make Love Like a Porn Star, on why his former employer frowned on his collaboration with Jenna Jameson.

"Look for what gets your heart. Someone who excites you, turns you on. . . . It’s a woman who loves being a woman. Who wears her womanhood. Who knows how to flirt and have fun. Smart. Confident. . . . And obviously sexy and saucy and challenging." — John Kerry on what to look for in a woman.

Moral Decay Alert

New York Times
reports on Viagra’s new ad compaign: "The
new tone is devilish — to the point of depicting the ends of
the blue V from Viagra’s brand logo rising behind men’s heads
like a pair of horns. To underline that suggestion, the advertising,
with an annual budget estimated at $100 million, is adopting
the theme ‘Get back to mischief.’"

In the News

Yahoo users are furiously emailing Olympic asses to one another. Is that because August is, as Good Vibrations reminds us, anal sex month?

Two London policemen called to a porn set wound up talking their way into the film crew’s van, where two female stars ministered to them. Unfortunately for the cops, now in deep trouble, the crew secretly rolled the cameras.

Hot new trend: racy TV for gay men (er, we mean straight women): cable channels Playgirl and Bliss are launching soon.

As reported on Nerve back in 2002, John Cameron Mitchell (Hedwig)
is working on a new film entitled Shortbus that
calls for unsimulated sex scenes, such as one which, according to
the New
York Times
, “calls for Sofia, the sex therapist, to have an
unsuccessful sexual encounter with her boyfriend, and to masturbate
on camera. ‘It’s rather moving,’ Mr. Mitchell said. ‘It’s in Central
Park in winter.'”

Kiss (a Pretty Young Thing) and Tell (Everybody)

It sure makes you feel good about the world when a forty-something agent lashes
out at his teenage ex-girlfriend-client (the author of Bad Girl,
pictured) in public via a long letter with phrases like "She had
big hips and short piano legs supported by heavy calves like overstuffed
sausages; but she was mine and I wanted her" and "She became
an enthusiastic, if unskilled, fellatrix."

Product Placement
\ The "laptop vibe" plugs into a USB port.

The chairman of Hooters, Robert H. Brooks, may invest in or buy the bankrupt Vanguard Airlines, presumably to expand his Hooters Air fleet.

At long last, the backless g-string.
T-shirts with this logo are available from those wacky Brits at the Royal Tit-Watching (Ornithological) Society.
Tabloid Fodder


Screaming yellow coverline: "Wild Wedding Weekend!"

Nicky Hilton wedding coverage: 8" x 5" cover photo;
four pages, six photos of Nicky, four of Paris.

What else they’re on about: Jane Pauley’s memoir.

Sex promised/delivered:5/5. Yawn.

In Touch

Screaming yellow coverline: "Headed for Trouble?"

Nicky Hilton wedding coverage: No cover photo; two pages inside,
which feature one photo of Nicky, five of Paris, and two of Paris’
dog Tinkerbell.

What else they’re on about: J. Lo’s got a "telltale bump;" Mary-Kate’s clubbing too soon after rehab; Judd Nelson’s been spotted looking awful; Cher’s "ready for a real romance."

Sex promised/delivered: 6/5. One point deducted for use of the odious
term "bump."

Us Weekly

Screaming yellow coverline: "Trouble Already!"

Nicky Hilton wedding coverage: 1" x 1" cover photo;
two pages inside, which feature two photos of Nicky; there are twelve
photos of Paris in the issue.

What else they’re on about: Marc Anthony might have fathered a Miami waitress’s
baby; Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal might be getting back together.

Sex promised/delivered: 8/7. Too many maybes, not enough actual dirt.


Screaming yellow coverline: "Stars’ Crazy Meltdowns!"

Nicky Hilton wedding coverage: 1" x .75" cover photo;
two pages, including two photos of Nicky, one of Paris, and one
of the groom’s ex-girlfriend (who’s also an ex-friend of the bride).

What else they’re on about: "Bjork’s Berserk Skirt;" "How Mary Kay Got More Beautiful Behind Bars: Her ‘Inside’ Tips;" a two-page spread on Lindsay Lohan’s and Tara Reid’s boobs falling out of their shirts; cartoon-illustrated tales of celebrities’ bad behavior.

Sex promised/delivered:10/10. Pure gold, once again.


appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins.

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