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Craig’s List Special
Messages posted on Craigslist.org in various cities:

PHONE POLE
They called me “Phone Pole” at Yale

For those of you too dumb to get into an Ivy League college, and thus get the clever allusion, they called me Phone Pole because my penis was widely known to be huge, nearly as big as a telephone pole, but not quite so splintery.

A lot has changed in my life since those halcyon days in New Haven. Back then I could cram a whole pie down my throat at Naples, chase it with two pitchers of beer and still have enough vigor to nail two Albertus Magnus girls and a roommate’s kid sister from Hampshire before bed. Now I work too much, cocaine has sapped some of my virility, and my life is generally without purpose. But I still have a gargantuan cock, and my stamina, though no longer superhuman, still rivals that of most porn stars.

Here’s what I need: A gorgeous young girl with supple hips, a lush mouth, and mysteriously low self-esteem. You look great wearing rags, yet you worry constantly about your appearance. Your ass is a finely sculpted work of art, but in your mind it’s grotesquely massive. For the past several months you’ve been telling yourself, “everything would be better for me if I could just find a Yale man.” If you’ve gotten so desperate that you’re considering dating that Harvard dweeb your cousin knows, then we’re a match.

Here’s what you get: Me. In all my glory. I am six feet two inches tall. I graduated from Yale. If I chose to marry you (which I won’t) the Times would carry the announcement. I make ungodly sums of money. You will get to spend a smallish (but not insignificant portion) of that money, at your leisure. All you have to do for it is submit to my every carnal whim, on my schedule. This means, when I say, “I want a blow job” I’m really saying, “I WANT A BLOW JOB NOW!” I am far too refined to phrase things that way in conversation, but I do feel the need to clarify the issue from the outset.

Send me your picture and tell me why you deserve me. Perhaps we’ll chat.

RE: J. LO AND BEN AFFLECK
Date: 2003-08-12, 2:37AM

This used to be a beautiful world.

Jennifer, I remember when I wasn’t subjected to looking at your face 8 hours of my 12 hour awake life. Ah yes, In Living Color. That’s when we first met. There you were for a good 1.5 minute dancing away among many, somewhat camouflaging yourself among the Fly Girls. Then you became aware of me. You started to appear on the screen when I was sitting in the movie theater. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship. A year later, Selena came out. You spent more time with me but we were still cool. La Familia, The Cell . . . wow, our relationship just moved forward with a vengeance! Angel Eyes, Out of Sight, Maid in Manhattan…all right, getting a little tired of seeing your face. I started desiring my space and no matter how politely I asked for it, you just didn’t listen. A nightly appearance on Extra and Access Hollywood spelled the demise of our once-sweet courtship.

You couldn’t handle the breakup well and decided to immerse yourself in highly publicized relationships, forcing me to spend night after night changing the channel in a vain effort to avoid seeing your face. Admittedly, when you and Puffy were arrested in New York, I was happy. But no…you came out of it. Okay, I decided that I was no longer going to be bitter about it and move on. You still wanted to be a part of my life.

Then you had to do it again. You got with Ben Affleck. Oh yeah, you sought your vengeance on me. I see you everywhere now. I get onto cnn.com and you or your precious Benny are on there.

Jennifer, this is the last time. You need to get over me. Please! Go away…give me my freedom. I have come to loathe you. Where I was once rooting for your success, I now secretly hope for your termination. Go away J Ho. It’s over.

P.S. Showing up as a presenter in the Oscars in no way makes you a better girlfriend.

 
It’s Not Easy Being Green

Selected results from The Sex Color Test. The full test can be found here.

What is your sexual color personality?
Your favorite color will tend to be chosen by you especially in your clothing and home decor — it’s the one that mirrors the sexual you. Psychologists have found an association between color and sexual patterns. If you can’t pick one, try your top three!

RED
People who are into red veer towards the wild side in the boudoir (or wherever)! They are easily excited and pleasure themselves in sex in every which way their impassioned imagination takes them. Once their animal instincts are aroused, it may be some time before they return to the mundane world. When two hot, flaming Reds get together, the erotic encounter that follows could make anybody’s face red. Lovers of red tend to go for what they want. Once the Divine Essence takes over – watch out!

PURPLE
Oh, divine and sophisticated purple person – how you would prefer to avoid really messy sex. People who like purple would like to have order rather than chaos in the boudoir. They may be inclined to use methodical, even businesslike approaches to sexual encounters. Those who have not seen the soul with the eyes of Love make their own orgasm a higher priority than their partners.

ORANGE
Lovers of the color orange are enraptured with their sexual fantasies. They like their lovemaking to soar to the heights of Hollywood movies. They, of course, would prefer to play the starring role in the fantastic drama going on inside their own head, and hopefully their partner’s head as well. The romance of foreplay and the whispering of sweet nothings are as important as the love act itself. All part of the show, all part of the wonderful fantasy world of sex for the orange-loving person. If they didn’t have an orgasm, you sure wouldn’t know it! And they probably wouldn’t care. All the other things that go with it are just as important as the final enactment. As long as they played the lead, who cares! Their rapture in the role may even cause them to leave little marks of passion on their lovers’ bodies.

GRAY
Black? White? Can’t decide. Can’t decide. Oh well, I guess I’ll sit on a gray fence then. People who like gray may not be as interested in sex as most other colors. It doesn’t really excite or interest them all that much. It’s more of a stress release, or a way to make babies. People who are “into” gray may find being with an oversexed partner to be quite a bore. Another gray person would make for a far more harmonious partnership.

 
How to Disappear Completely
From an online guide to tucking, a.k.a. minimizing male genitalia to look realistically female while in drag.

RuPaul in her book describes the art of ‘sitting on a secret’. However, she doesn’t give the full story but here it is!

First of all, pull the penis back between the legs. Push each testicle back into the body and they should fit under the skin above the pubic bone round the base of the penis. This may be difficult at first but comes with practice – be gentle though! Pull the penis and scrotum back towards the ass. Now at this point, there are a number of options:

* Put a tight pair of panties on top to hold everything in place. RuPaul reckons tight bikini bottoms are good, but I find any reasonably tight lycra-containing panty will suffice.
* Pop a panty towel (sanitary towel) over the pulled-back items before putting on the panties — this smooths out the look and feels ultra-feminine. Can you believe you have nothing between your legs but a sanitary pad?
* This is for advanced students only! The whole tuck can be fastened up using surgical tape. The area down there may need to be shaved or cropped first, though. Try and get hypoallergenic tape — though masking and duct tape will do it. NOW THE SEXY PART: Using a minimal amount of tape and lots of practice, you should be able to fasten everything away. If you are really good, it can look like you actually have women’s bits from a distance. THEN: you can cover it with some panties, or sexier, with a G-String or THE ULTIMATE! NO PANTIES at all! Many real girls occasionally (and sometimes often!) go without panties, and it feels superb. It feels and looks great — no panty line and a cheeky grin — just don’t wear anything too short! This is as close as it gets without surgery.

Finally……….. A WORD OF WARNING!!!!!! WATCH OUT FOR CLAUDIA SCHIFFER!

You’re sitting on the beach, perfectly tucked, wearing your thong bikini, looking like you should be in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Guys are drooling at your lithe oiled little body. THEN………. Claudia Schiffer wanders up and, feeling secure with another SuperBabe, asks you to rub suntan oil all over her. When tucked, avoid this at all costs!!!!!! Any form of erection can be painful, injurious and, let’s face it, a penis sticking out of the back of your bikini panties could get you arrested. Don’t get aroused!!!!!! Concentrate on the mother from the Throw Momma From a Train film, think of the Elephant Man. Just run if Claudia appears, OK?

 
They Dismember Kangaroo Genitals, Don’t They?
Promotional material from an Australian website that sells gifts made from kangaroo scrotums.

Car scrotums: What gender is your car? Male! So, your car has balls, and where is his scrotum?

Yes! Your car can have a real scrotum now!

Scrotum is a great indicator! When displayed (in your windshield), car scrotum always attracts interesting offers from both gendersÂ…

Large Scrotum Pouches ­ Extremely rare and hard-to-find scrotums. Brings enormous fun and luck. Valuable gift for golfers.

So, if you like to meet new friends and have fun, a scrotum pouch is for you. And because this pouch is made from the scrotum of the male kangaroo, it’s proven to be very lucky; all those in possession of one are assured of fun, long life, happiness, and healthy children.

 
Relax, Don’t Do It
Suggestions for overcoming the urge to masturbate, from a Mormon missionary guidebook circa 1970. Additional text can be found here.

When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell _STOP_ to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a pre-chosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you, but show it to no one. If you have a lapse of self-control, color the day black. Your goal will be to have _no black days_. The calendar becomes a strong visual reminder of self-control and should be looked at when you are tempted to add another black day. Keep your calendar up until you have at least three clear months.

In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called _aversion therapy_. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eat several of them as you do the act.

During your toileting and shower activities, leave the bathroom door or shower curtain partly open, to discourage being alone in total privacy. Take cool, brief showers.

Arise immediately in the mornings. Do not lie in bed awake, no matter what time of day it is. Get up and do something. Start each day with an enthusiastic activity.

Keep your bladder empty. Refrain from drinking large amounts of fluids before retiring.

Reduce the amount of spices and condiments in your food. Eat as lightly as possible at night.

Wear pajamas that are difficult to open, yet loose and not binding.

Avoid people, situations, pictures or reading materials that might create sexual excitement.

It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

 
— Compiled by Sarah Harrison and Gwynne Watkins

© 2003 Nerve.com, Inc.



 


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