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Crush of the Week

Are we the only happily partnered person who keeps a mental list of people-we-would-so-want-to-date-if-they-were-single-and-our-significant-other-ever-left-us? Well, John Darnielle has been holding steady near the top of ours ever since this improbably fun interview. Fanning the flames is the brand-new Mountain Goats video in which he and Peter Hughes are kidnapped by violent teeangers with excellent musical taste and forced to play “This Year” in a ransacked suburban home. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

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Quotes of the Week

“The ‘flesh’ in me did actually think some of the jokes were slightly funny at best. My spirit wanted to throw up, however.” — A “Christian Answers” reader review of The 40-Year-Old Virgin. To his credit, the official reviewer found the film to have a “good overall theme” and “Biblical values.”

“All the women love the ass of the man. If you ask some girl which part they love when they make sex with the man, they say the ass. Eighty per cent. So we work a lot with the trouser to make a beautiful ass for men.” — A fashion tip from Dominico Dolce. Our office manager, Gwynne, is convinced the Italians are “just fucking with us” when they use the phrase “make sex.”
“Bridging the gap between instructions included with LEGO sets and the unlimited world of freestyle LEGO building, The Unofficial LEGO Builder’s Guide (No Starch Press, September ’05) is a nuts-and-bolts approach to making original models from those famous plastic bricks.” — The first line of a press release we inexplicably received this week.
Best headline of the week: “Ad dropped featuring nun holding condom.”
“Hi Ada, Thanks for the note! We’re not releasing screeners right now, so we need to pass on this.” — The note we got in reply to a request for screeners of Al Gore’s new TV channel, which we’d heard wasn’t as embarassing as it sounded. We immediately felt like we’d asked the biggest nerd in school to the prom and been turned down. 
Photos of the Week

Some pasty German ad execs over at Ogilvy present their take on the Dove firming cream ads.

The London Zoo has opened a homo sapiens exhibit. Between this and the rent-a-gay library we mentioned last week, we’re starting to fret about our socialist institutions.
We were stuck behind this truck on our way to the Catskills last weekend and suddenly felt like a doctor being paged on the beach.
Enjoy the final days of summer wiht the dopey-looking Evian-filled bikini. The Sun calls it “chest great.”
It’s easy to get lost in the parade of utter normalcy that is this website of celebrities’ childhood photos. One of our favorites: Jean-Claude Van Damme. Note how Bjork looks exactly the same.
Speaking of babies, Punky Brewster had one: Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg. Apparently, Soleil Moon Frye isn’t going to break the cycle of name abuse.
In this strange video taken in front of a nightclub, “Paris is Back!, she scarily switches back and forth between a little-girl voice for the paparazzi and a normal voice for her friends.
The new Pope just keeps looking more and more like a supervillain — and, as our designer Bill points out, a dilophosaurus. And yet, the fact that they answer to a dragon-faced archnemesis doesn’t diminish our attraction to sexy priests.
PETA wants us to look at Ron Jeremy.  Doesn’t that constitute some kind of cruelty in itself?
Speaking of which, who knew tigers were so gullible? And why isn’t it mandatory that pigs wear little costumes at all times?
Product Placement

Can you imagine actually using the names of the positions available with the “Bodybouncer” during sex?

-“Honey, let’s try the ‘lammer’ tonight.” -“Aw, I really wanted a ‘flowjob.'”

Charlotte’s Vagina sold for $40,000.
Tabloid Fodder : The Whose Side Are You On? Edition

People

Team: Angelina. Baby Zahara was “Saved by a Mother’s Love!” (But hedging bets: “Jen looked really happy!”)

Us Weekly

Team: Jennifer. Jen is “Moving on From Brad!” (But hedging bets: Angelina, Brad and the kids “definitely looked like a happy little family.”)
In Touch

Team: Jennifer. Aniston’s experience should teach Angelina that Brad has a “history of changing not only his hair colors but also his mind.”
Star

Team: Angelina. Jolie is “drop-dead gorgeous,” “a “vixen” and she has “taken Brad to sexual heights that he’d never imagined.” The “wild and crazy sex goddess” is also, incidentally, “hot in a hairnet.”



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins and Sarah Harrison.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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