Scanner | Nerve.com

September 6, 2005

REGULARS

Crush of the Week

We're excited about anyone of whom Reuters writes, "Floozie or role model, attention monger or free spirit?" The woman in question is Furong Jiejie, a young internet celebrity in China. Jiejie, also known as Sister Furong, posted sexy photos of herself on the bulletin boards of two Beijing universities that rejected her application. It's like she's Martin Luther in a lacy bra! And for that, she is our crush of the week. Ada Calhoun

Promotion

promotion

Quotes of the Week
	"George Bush doesn't care about black people." Leave it to Kanye West to render Mike Myers completely speechless on live TV. Myers looked like "a guy who stopped on the tarmac to tie his shoe and got hit in the back with the 8:30 to La Guardia," according to our favorite TV critic, Lisa de Moraes. We are eager to purchase the "Thank You, Kanye West" merchandise that should be entering stores shortly.
"My sisters and I were all endowed with biscuits that's what I call them. Sometimes when I'm on the Alias set and the guys are setting up a camera shot, I'll ask: 'Is this a biscuit shot?' and they'll say: 'Yeah' so I know." Jennifer Garner
"This bold satire represents the best and worst characteristics of musical theater, all the while causing us to examine our relationship to scandal and human frailty. At once a galvanizing theater experience, a "no they di'int" laugh fest, and a crap pack of lies . . . " From the synopsis of Monica! The Musical. We'll go see it if R. Kelly does the score. If you don't know what we're talking about, do yourself a favor and watch this.

Photos of the Week
	Check out this collection of weird-even-for-us German watercolors.
	The Nerve staff is gearing up for our Sex @ Work Issue by playing the 1966 game "Career Girls."
	We tip our hat to the photo editor who came up with this image for the story "Singaporean fined for stealing women's underwear."
	As a performance last week, twenty-six-year-old artist Mary Coble had the names of hate-crime victims tatooed onto her skin.
	Meet Dick Pound, the excellently named head of the anti-doping agency.

From Our Inbox
We really hope this is just an exceptionally bad joke: "Re: Katrina Fundraiser My name is [redacted] and I am a professional statistian living in Chicago. Several of my computer scientist friends and I want to start a charity web site that is a little racy, but completely legit (100% to charity with credit card donations anyone can track) and would like your help. We want a pay-per-view site of amateurs posing topless in life jackets or other boatwear. It will also feature a drain gauge that nears 0 as the donations increase. Please tell me if you like this idea."
	"Hello, I'm Martino Catalano, a sculptor from North Manchester. Please visit my site: and look at 'KHIMJI', 'RED INCUBUS' and 'THE FRUIT OF FEMALE DESIRE' for an example of my imagery." Warning to the reader: The WALL-MOUNTED SCULPTURED BUSTS OF DAVID BOWIE gave us nightmares.
"Hullo! Many of your readers fall into the demographic that is young, hip and 'broke'. So please consider my new book Moolah or Bummer." Just so you know, readers, we've seen the demographics you are hip, young and really quite well-off.
In the News
Amazon is quietly cashing in on sex toys. In the "personal care" section of its U.S. site, the online retailer is offering more than 9,000 vibrators.
Dr. Phil's son is engaged to Erica Dahm of the Playboy Dahms.
	Speaking of which, Pug Bus reports that Dr. Phil has diagnosed Angelina Jolie as having "Madonna with Child Syndrome." Which makes Maddox the baby Jesus and the world's third-youngest celebrity blogger. That makes Zahara apocryphal and the world's second-youngest celebrity blogger. And who's the world's youngest celebrity blogger? Why, Fetus Federline, who also has the filthiest mouth of all ("I POKED MY GLOCK OUT OF MOMMY'S BELLYBUTTON AND SHOT THAT MOFO IN THE LEG AND HE CRIED LIKE A LITTLE BITCH!").
Product Placement
	To end a dinner party that's gone on too long, we hear John Waters brings out an audio tape of the Jonestown Massacre. We break out our copy of Why Paint Cats.
	Abstinence satires abound lately. Here are some of the most popular: For girls: Iron Hymen.
	For boys: Sex is For Fags.
	And for everyone, the anal-centric Technical Virgin.
	Plus, here's the real reason to go to medical school: pharmaceutical freebies. Here's one for Levitra: a fake hot dog.

Tabloid Fodder: Driven to Distraction
	People Three-quarters of the front page is devoted to the hurricane; rest deals with Robert Downey Jr.'s wedding (in tennis shoes) and Jessica Simpson's bra (at the VMAs).
	Us Weekly The ten worst (Britney and Kevin) and best (Nicole Richie) dressed. Lindsay Lohan declares Angelina Jolie "so intelligent" and "an inspiration."
	In Touch Are you pregnant? Is Laura Bush pregnant? Is your boyfriend? How long do you think we can keep asking if everyone's pregnant before everyone will realize we have no idea what we're talking about?
	Star Themes are babies, clones and self-destruction. Also, attention is paid to a rumor Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn engaged in a "hot public makeout session." And so ends our forty-five minute respite from thoughts of Snowball.