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 REGULARS

Crush of the Week
In the middle of a recent, somber interview with
a Canadian math teacher who’d had sex with a teenage student, Larry
King announced that he was bringing on a psychologist to discuss the
case. We expected a bearded talking head to lecture on boundaries and
responsibility, blah blah blah. But instead, there suddenly appeared
a vision in professional clothing: the New York psychotherapist Dr.
Robi Ludwig. Her message? Teenagers are hot. "What’s interesting," she
said, flipping her blonde hair happily, "is that organizationally,
teachers are not prepared to know how to deal with these feelings like
therapists are. You know, adolescents are very sexual
and seductive, and there’s a lot of hormones in the air. And how do
you deal with a student that comes on to you? … Very often adolescents
don’t know that they’re being seductive. They have hormones. The sex
is just in the air. You can see it. You can taste it. You can smell
it … It’s very tempting." The Canadian teacher
nodded eagerly in assent, and Larry King looked like he was in fact
feeling pretty tempted right that second. And for that, Dr. Ludwig
is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun
Photos of the Week

Britney, ever-classy.

From Jessica “Washingtonienne” Cutler’s Playboy spread.


From the Olympics: the winning beach volleyballers and taekwondo gold medalist celebrate.

Don’t the Finnish engineering students in this photo from the Times business section look fantastically kinky?

Crazy Quote of the Week

"Now we have total liberation of sexual things but we also have the Patriot Act," Erica Jong told the New York Times for a recent article on the upcoming documentary on the film Deep Throat. “We have never made the connection between sexual speech and political speech. Sex today has nothing to do with revolution anymore. It’s about capitalism and protecting little profit centers.”

Moral Decay Alert

The
New York Times
reports that it’s hard to sit down in a
miniskirt. "The goal is to avoid having your bottom ‘touch
too much of the seat,’ said Jessica Oser, 24 … While more than
a dozen women interviewed said they had never spoken about their
subway miniskirt etiquette with friends, they were effusive in
their explanations to this reporter, motioning and bending in every
direction for the sake of clarity. (Only one subject was off limits.
Choice undergarments for skirts that bare skin? No comment.)"

Product Placement

What we bought when we visited the Vatican‘s gift shop. We have a little crush on Father October.

Pimps & Ho’s halloween costumes. For kids.



Haribo’s candy wrappers are pornographic, graduates of St. Blasien
Jesuit College insisted in a letter to
the firm: “We are shocked at the shameless presentation of sexual
practices on the wrapping, which includes not only sexual intercourse
but also fellatio and cunnilingus.” Proving that "just because
you’re paranoid/don’t mean they’re not after you," the wrappers
are, the company admits, "very racy."

Make a diamond ring out of your dead husband’s cremated remains with Life Gem.

 

Naked Assets, Inc. offers wealth training for strippers.

Those smart-asses over at The
Smoking Gun
took the U.S. Postal System up on its offer to create
personalized official stamps. A few of their requests were rejected,
but they got these two by: Monica Lewinsky’s stained dress and a
snapshot of James E. McGreevey with purported lover Golan Cipel.

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: "Baby Love!"

Babies: 34.

Boobs: 40.

Sex promised/delivered: 4/3. Presumably in an effort to be topical, People provides a yikes!-worthy article called "Honey, I’m Gay" about how one spouse’s coming out sometimes changes a marriage.

In Touch

Cover: "Mary-Kate Update: Fighting Back!"

Babies: 11.

Boobs: 104.

Sex promised/delivered: 5/6. In Touch actually, ickily
asks Gwyneth if she has plans to “make another baby.” In one
photo-spread introduction, they use all of these words: bootie, butt,
glutes, asset,
booty-licious, derriere, backside. But we give them two bonus points
for the two photos of our beloved Kelly Ripa.

Us Weekly

Cover: "2004 Fashion Winners & Sinners"

Babies: 7.

Boobs: 266.

Sex promised/delivered: 7/9. Homewrecker Britney looking hungover in a "Move Bitch" T-shirt is worth the cover price.

Star

Cover: "25 Best & Worst Beach Bodies!"

Babies: 11.

Boobs: 218.

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. A must-read: a convincing
two-page article entitled "The Curse of Madonna’s Kiss!" Star insists
it’s no coincidence Britney, Guy, Vanilla, Warren, Sean, and Dennis
all suffered career nosedives after encountering "Madge’s lethal
lips." Plus, exclusive photos of Britney’s ex-husband making
out with a transsexual. Does it get any better than this?

 

 

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Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.



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