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Crush of the Week

According to a Scanner reader in China, our last Crush of the Week, Furong Jiejie, was “wrong,” “not worthy” and “so passé.” She sugggested subbing Li Yuchun, who she said is “incredibly cute and suave in a sort of (young Chinese) k.d. lang type of way.” Okay, but we already did a Super Girl contestant like three weeks ago, so we really have to get away from talk of Mongolian Cow Sour Yogurt. Therefore we choose Philip Seymour Hoffman as Truman Capote, the furthest you can get from a Chinese pop princess. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

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Quotes of the Week

“Nobody spends more time on his knees than George W. Bush.” — BBC correspondent Justin Webb on Bush’s prayer schedule.

“Some holdouts seem intent on keeping alive the distinct and wild spirit of this city. In the French Quarter, Addie Hall and Zackery Bowen found a unusual way to make sure that police officers regularly patrolled their house. Ms. Hall, twenty-eight, a bartender, flashed her breasts at the police vehicles that passed by, ensuring a regular flow of traffic.” — From a New York Times article about New Orleans holdouts.
“Every child should have to go to the opera, and gay people should almost be tricked into loving it. [In the middle of the night at a rave, when everyone’s peaking on Ecstasy,] they should turn the music off and put on ‘Samson et Dalila,’ just to scare them sort of, and show the other side of bliss.” — Rufus Wainwright in the New York Times.
“So, don’t accept chocolates from a Nazi.” — Best headline of the week. The piece also has the best lede: “Luckily, the exploding Smedley’s English Red Plums in Heavy Syrup were intercepted in Turkey before anyone got killed.”
Q: “What’s a sure sign of a player?”

A: “When the ‘I love you’ comes up a little quick. Or like, ‘I love the way your hair moves. I love everything about you.’ Also, a player will not look you in the eye. A player will give you compliments and then keep looking down at you-know-where.” — Aaron Carter in Elle Girl. The photo caption reads: “A reformed player? This is the guy that came between Linds and Hils? We wouldn’t have believed it either, but when we met him, he charmed us too.” The Scanner reader who sent this in says, “I understand that seeing this reveals that I both purchase and read Elle Girl.”
“He had a sex conduct at age of fourteen with a thirty-two-year-old woman which upset him somewhat.” — From Jack Kerouac‘s military discharge papers.
“Hi Everyone, I am a not-so-boring scientist with fifteen tattoos and four piercings looking to meet a thug with gold teeth, cause I’ve never dated one. I am very educated and I love hip hop, clubbing, traveling, and just hanging out at home. A pic (with a smile) would be appreciated in your reply.” — Craigslist posting of the week.
Photos of the Week
Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr. swap drug-addled saliva.
Christ, Seventeen has changed a lot since the last time we read it. This image from Gawker.
Okay, this has nothing to do with sex in the media, but c’mon.
From Our Inbox
“People around the world are encouraged to tend their portion of the
world’s garden clothed as nature intended on Saturday, September 10,
2005. World Naked Gardening Day is a nonthreatening way to nudge
people into experiencing firsthand the innocent pleasure of being
naked in nature … Nudists can
organize cleanup days for their club grounds. Freehikers can pull
invasive weeds along their favorite stretch of trail. More daring
groups can make rapid clothes-free sorties into public parks to do
community-friendly stealth cleanups.” Does anyone else get the feeling that World Naked Gardening Day is one man’s really, really elaborate effort to justify his own fetish?
“I hate the new personals. that about sums it up. before it was easy to use and elegant and hip. now it’s god-awful and I’m embarrassed to be hanging my sex-shingle on it. Amanda

p.s. I don’t have sex-shingles.”
We’ve been barraged with these angry personals user emails all week, and here’s the deal: We at Nerve, the magazine, don’t actually have any dealings with Nerve, the personals. But here’s what’s going on: Nerve Personals is in the midst of a major transition right now. Their new partner, FriendFinder, is combining the features of their system with the features of ours. The bad news is that this process will take a few days. The good news is, when the transition is complete, you’ll have all your credits, your messages, your member information, and a lot of exciting new features to play with. The Nerve Personals user database has not been changed. If you need to reach Personals customer service in the meantime, please use their help form.
In the News
Has Elijah Wood been cast as Iggy Pop? If he’s planning to follow Ewan McGregor’s career path, it’s going to be an interesting decade.
Product Placement

Fluevog’s “Limited Edition Pink Nun shoe is a tribute shoe based on the Pink Nun from Chicago. The Pink Nun promotes ‘self respect, self control, and respect for sexual intimacy.’ This double-strapped maryjane has the same natural toe-shape as our other Fellowship family members, contrasting leathers and its low one-inch heel for maximum comfort.”

Tabloid Fodder: Deep Thoughts

People

* Carson Daly looks like a total dick.
* No, why doesn’t Oprah run for president?
* John Grisham donated $5 million dollars to hurricane relief; Serena Williams $100 for every ace. Was People trying to make her look cheap by putting them on the same list?
* No matter how slutty Jennifer Aniston dresses, she looks like a nice girl.

Us Weekly

* Alicia Keys called a dress she was wearing “breezy and easy.” When you already don’t like someone, it’s amazing how seemingly insignificant things like that can make you like them even less.
* Sean Penn spent hours in putrid water rescuing people in New Orleans. Ever notice how even when he’s not in a movie, he’s in a movie?
* Kid Rock’s gotten jowls.
* We shouldn’t have been surprised Britney Spears speaks about herself in the third person, but we were.
In Touch

* Kate Hudson is starting to look like Janis Joplin.
* Jack Osbourne is starting to look like Marky Mark.
* Vince Vaughn is starting to look like Kirstie Alley (but we’re still attracted to him).
Star

* In an Armani tuxedo, George Clooney really does look like Cary Grant. Is his lack of super-duper-ultimo stardom a result of the fact that Americans believe we don’t deserve someone so dashing?
* What must it be like to be known as a “comeback queen?”
* Newly skinny, Tom Hanks looks like a German painter.

* The art director who Photoshopped that yarmulke onto Kabbalahistic Kevin Federline is okay in my book.



Scanner
appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison and David Diehl.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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