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Crush of the Week

"One of the reasons he [Howard Stern]’s probably not going to
ask me is that he wouldn’t be especially interested in my breast size," says
humble, hyper-smart Terry Gross of NPR’s Fresh Air
in a recent interview with the Buffalo
News
. She goes on to say that she’d nevertheless be flattered
to be asked. Gross also reveals that she and her husband
are
amused
by
the
fact that — probably because of her short, sensible haircut — many
people think she’s a lesbian. Her new book, All I Had To Do Was
Ask
, has transcripts of some of our favorite interviews. Gross
is so respectful, so curious, that her guests reveal themselves in
ways that seem to surprise even them. And because she’s as tough as
she is considerate, she gets even the ickiest subjects to open up.
Case in point: Gene
Simmons
of KISS. “You know why I’m pulling your leg? Because I
can’t touch it from where I am,” he says, and the interview goes downhill
from there. But she fights back. He asks her if she’s enjoying the
interview and she says, "Well, I think it’s kind of a drag." Then
somehow she gets him to say all this incredible stuff about his days
at yeshiva school. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada
Calhoun

Quotes of the Week
“When you have children you can’t bring men
home, so you hop around.” — Pamela
Anderson
.

“There are only so many things you can all do together and there are a few lovely things you can do to both of them at the same time and them to you. But when it comes time for [bleeping], unless there’s something out there that I don’t know about, you’ve only got one [sex organ] … so there’s always someone waiting. The thing to do is have foursomes. Three chicks and just you … If you have three chicks as into one another as they are into you, you can [have sex with] one and watch the other two go at it, which adds to the overall horniness … [I] may increase the number of girls, but [I’ll] never be with fewer than three.”
Tommy Lee.

“Sing, Muse, of your meteoric ascent from a seething pit of pure, all-American white trash. Sing, also, of five-figure fees for one evening’s striptease, and of six-figure film contracts for the company you built. Sing of rape and addiction and suicide, of thieves and junkies and lies, of vodka, Vicodin, and crystal meth. But most of all, sing of Sex … Sing, Muse, of the glory of America." — From Adam Dunn’s review of Jenna Jameson’s autobiography for CNN.

Photos of the Week

Behold,
Charlize Theron and Penelope Cruz in bed together in Head in the
Clouds
. The film also reportedly features full nudity and a steamy
oral sex scene between Theron and her real-life boyfriend, Stuart Townsend.

Serena rethinks tennis attire.
Britney continues to speak exclusively through her T-shirts.

Gawker ran this billboard photo with the comment “Can someone please explain what is up with the Calvin Klein billboard on Houston? Is it about people crawling from the primordial ooze and discovering rimming? So confused.”

In the News
The Independent reports that British Maxim‘s
batty new Californian editor-in-chief Greg
Gutfeld
has printed a line drawing of himself having sex with
a ram, "with
a request to readers to send photos of their enemies so that they
can be sketched in similar pose."
 

According to The
New York Observer
, “Mrs. Heinz Kerry is a bit Zsa Zsa — you
could see her slapping a cop," and that’s scaring some female
voters who like to see their mom in their First Lady.

From the PBS FAQ page: Q."Is it true that there will be an HIV-positive Muppet on Sesame Street?" A. Contrary to some reports, there are no plans to incorporate an HIV-positive character to SESAME STREET … The HIV component they are developing is for TAKALANI SESAME, a series that airs only in South Africa.

Married women are making a comeback. They’re all over the new TV season.

Blond porn stars Jenna Jameson and Candida Royalle are in a bookstore catfight, reports the New York Post.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has officially banned necrophilia in California.

Looks like Posh (pregnant with their third child) and Becks may be on the verge of a split.

A TV ad for Elle
Macpherson’s Intimates shows
a woman stroking a knife and then scrubbing blood off the floor. Predictably,
it has caused some controversy.
On the site, there are two ads — both have a middle scene, not
aired, that
show a woman’s bare breasts.

Speaking of which, the FCC has put a price tag on Janet Jackson’s:
$550,000 is how much Viacom must pay in fines.

Development Deals
As People first reported last year, Paris Hilton, 22, is still in line to play Daisy Buchanan in a proposed movie remake of the 1925 F. Scott Fitzgerald novel The Great Gatsby, to be produced by ‘N Sync veteran Lance Bass, reports FOX News and The Washington Post. Though Bass initially planned to star as Gatsby, The O.C. actor
Chris Carmack is reportedly now in line for the role.

The next PBS reality show, called Regency House Party, starts
November 3rd. Singles will converge on a manse to court one another
according to the rules of Jane Austen novels. Has there ever been a
better idea for a TV show? We don’t think so. But what’s even better
is the quiz on
the website of the British version of the show. You can find out, once
and for all, what Jane Austen character you’re most like. Just so you
know, Nerve is edited by Mr. Elton from Emma, Miss Maria
Bertram from Mansfield Park, and Miss Jane Bennett from Pride
and Prejudice
. Thought we’d all be slutty soldier-chasers like
Kitty and Lydia, didn’t you?

Product Placement
We
received a review copy of the new board game Pervartistry (it’s
like Pictionary, but with only dirty phrases) and took some time
out of our workday to try it out. We found many of the terms ("milk
jugs," "tuna
taco")
to be, in one player’s estimation, "too
guy-talky." And
even we didn’t know a lot of the terms, like "spinner" (it’s
a kind of butt
plug
, turns out). Also, we found it far too easy to (ahem)
cheat by eavesdropping on the other team.
But there were some laughs. Attached are images our two teams
came up with for the clue "funky spunk." Surprisingly,
no one guessed it, although our photo editor did come close, shrieking, "disco
sperm!"

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover:
"Best & Worst Dressed"

Size/attitude of Julia Roberts photo on cover: 9" x 3" / smug.

Olsen twin on cover: Ashley.

Most vulgar pregnancy caption: “Natal Academy”

Sex promised/delivered: 5/6. Some satisfying ballgown schadenfreude.

In Touch

Cover:
"Is It Already Over? Friends Reveal Why J. Lo and Marc’s Relationship Is So Fragile Now."

Size/attitude of Julia Roberts photo on cover: 2 1/2" x 1 1/2" / freakishly happy.

Olsen twin on cover: Mary-Kate.

Most vulgar pregnancy caption: "I’m not his only baby anymore!" is written in the thought-bubble over Corey Feldman’s dog’s head.

Sex promised/delivered: 7/7. Kinda heavy on the body language analysis this week.

Us Weekly

Cover:
"Ashley’s Older Man!"

Size/attitude of Julia Roberts photo on cover: None.

Olsen twin on cover: Ashley.

Most vulgar pregnancy caption: “Skinny Gwynnie’s Old Bump!”

Sex promised/delivered: 9/8. Based on a date they had at Starbucks, Us insists
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are well matched because "latte lovers mix
best with regular coffee enthusiasts."

Star

Cover:
"Will She Quit Her Career? Is Julia Roberts Giving Up Movies For Motherhood?"

Size/attitude of Julia Roberts photo on cover: There are two: 9" x 4 1/2" / frumpy and 7" x 2 1/2" / overly zealous.

Olsen twin on cover: Both.

Most vulgar pregnancy caption: A tie: "Twins Inside!" and "Julia’s Double Bubble!" Both appear with arrows pointing at Julia Roberts’s stomach.

Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. Terrifying photos of "Anna Nicole’s Kiss-a-thon" and "Britney’s Actual Gum!" bring us safely out of babyland.


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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.



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