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Crush of the Week

The statute of limitations on the counterintuitivity or lowbrow fun of Jenny McCarthy has passed. So she’s in this weird limbo as a cultural figure and what does she do? She writes a movie, Dirty Love, that involves “putting basses in asses.” And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

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Quotes of the Week

“The Sex Queens: NYC women doin’ it more than rest of U.S.” — The display copy for a full-page article about a sex survey conducted by Trojan and coinciding with a huge marketing push for Trojan’s new line of condoms geared toward women: Elexa. Looks like the Post editorial staff got the same manna-from-heaven motherlode of free condoms we did.

“Q: What is George W. Bush’s position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: He really doesn’t give a shit how people get out of New Orleans.” — Joke we’ve heard approximately eighteen times this week.
“This softcore coming-of-age sex film from the director of Australia After Dark is notable for casting starlets who actually look their age. Glory Annen plays Felicity, who goes through the usual lesbian fumblings in the shower at her exclusive private school before taking an exotic, Emmanuelle-like trip to a Hong Kong mansion for more nudity and kinky sex.” — Where the link to Felicity leads in Jennifer Garner’s MSN bio.
“The sperm cells that land on a woman’s belly will not give up their mission of fertilization. As they race towards her womb, they join forces while fighting off fatal enemies, like Kleenex, the Body Soap [sic?], and the White Blood Cells.” — From the description of a new play called We Are the Sperm Cells.
“Sexy, but a little weird.” — How CNN titled a recent, extremely anthropomorphic car review. We couldn’t help thinking the writer had confused the Mercedes CLS with his last girlfriend.
“Unfortunately, I’ve read that herbal abortion is not terribly effective.” — The concluding sentence of a long list of abortificant herbs.
“He said ‘I dare you to give me a blowjob’ so I agreed and went out the room. He of course got ‘it’ out and er, ready. Meanwhile I thought he wanted me to give him a cut and blowdry! I got scissors and hairdryer, etc. and was shocked to see his thing when I returned. He fainted when he saw the scissors.” — From the confessional site iusedtobelieve.com.
“Is there a tendency now in Hollywood for people to try to get actresses to take their clothes off?” — One of the hard-hitting questions in this interview with a totally sporting Jodie Foster on Suicide Girls. Yes, you read that right: Jodie Foster consented to an interview with Suicide Girls.
“New Zealand finds Black Cocks hard to swallow” — Best headline of the week goes to The Register. (It’s a team’s name.)
“I will come to your house wearing nothing but a full body gorilla suit. I will not talk except in simian grunts and I will do my best to act like a gorilla. DO NOT BE ALARMED. I am not a real gorilla, just a man in a gorilla suit. You can wear a sexy costume or just be naked, whatever floats your boat.” — Most enticing Craigslist post of the week. Runners up: “Leave my butt alone” and “Sleeping with Roommates.” And our Soho neighbor The Onion wins for most disturbing mental image.
“In some cases, registrants appear to have deliberately selected ambiguous domain names for their double-entendre qualities, as represented by Pen Island, a putative retailer of custom-made pens who has staked out territory at the domain penisland.net. The flip side of the coin appears on websites whose content doesn’t live up to their titillating domain names, as represented by nice-tits.org. — Snopes advises domain-name seekers to beware the double entendre.
Photos of the Week

Bush faces a major setback to that John Wayne image he’s been cultivating.

Elijah Wood on Flickr, a nice addition to the photo stockpile on the how-gay-is-Elijah-Wood website veryverygay.com. Speaking of which check out Jake Gyllenhaal‘s imagined confession to Amber Tamblyn.
Before you let Hulk Hogan pick you up in front of a thousand cameras, ask youself, “Am I wearing underwear?”
Where Charlotte Church will spend her retirement.
Our office manager, Gwynne, says this demon cow accosted her via an AOL instant messenger pop-up. She’d like to encourage AOL to be more respectful of people who haven’t had their coffee yet.
From Our Inbox

Both our fellow Nerve editors, Tobin and Michael, got huge stacks of these kinds of books this week and we’ve all been enjoying the absolutely generic nature of the titles: The Parisian Affair, Dark Lover, Almost Perfect, The Covenient Bride, First Love, Ace of Hearts, Rahab’s Story, Dedication. Ever notice how some people are not at all troubled by the fact that all the good ideas are taken?

“According to the USDA’s new food pyramid, fruits play an even more important role in a healthy diet — but can they improve your sex life? New research has found that the amino acid citruline found primary in watermelon rind increases blood flow to the pelvic area while the antioxidant lycopene found in the flesh improves sperm concentration.” — A pitch for passion fruit at once perfectly targeted and totally wrong for Nerve.
“Current, the new national cable network [a new network that wouldn’t send Nerve screeners!] started by former Vice President Al Gore is casting sexy, smart, young women to appear in Hooking Up, a new series on the rituals and habits of dating. We are looking for fun, outgoing women to talk personally and honestly about their New York City dating experiences. So bring your friends, have a drink at our open bar and tell us what you really think about guys and dating. We want you to help us decide, “Are women the new men?” To RSVP send an email with a picture of yourself to Marko Albrecht by September 25th: hookingup.currenttv@gmail.com.” Clearly, this is a must-attend for all the ladies out there who have fantasies about Al Gore buying them drinks while asking them if they’re men.
Since Nerve Personals was sold and the site relaunched two weeks ago, we at Nerve have been compared to the following:

President Bush

Dick Cheney

John Ashcroft

FEMA

Benedict Arnold

Drunken and/or blind monkeys

Wal-Mart

Assorted members of the Nazi Party
In the News

Dateline Hollywood does a not-that-far-from-the-truth Pat Robertson satire, suggesting he blames Hurricane Katrina on the decision by the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences to have Ellen host the Emmys. As you’ll recall, the last time DeGeneres hosted the Emmys, in 2001, Robertson said gay people caused the terrorist attacks. When her talk show debuted in September 2003, insurgents gained a foothold in Iraq. Also, every time Ellen has sex with a woman, somewhere in the world a bomb goes off. Also, Ellen wore a blue shirt repeatedly this summer and that’s why the Mets had such a disappointing season. Ellen going through a car wash is what caused that draft in my apartment. Our fall allergies? Ellen’s goddamned garden gnomes.

Kanako Otsuji, a twenty-eight-year-old woman elected to the Osaka prefectural assembly in 2003, recently came out as a lesbian.
In her video for “La Tortura,” Shakira alternately channels the film Like Water for Chocolate and the look of a seal, post oil spill.
On Good Morning America, Charlie Gibson asked the fourteen-year-old Nebraska girl whose twenty-two-year-old husband is being charged with rape what she would do if her daughter came to her at thirteen and said she was pregnant. The girl looked dazed. Finally, she answered: “I’d send her to her room.”
Product Placement

Russian Roulette is an alcohol bottle with five shots of vodka and one shot of some liquid that dyes your tongue blue. Never has so much effort been put into a pun on the word “shot.”

Domino’s Steak Fanatic Pizza Couch. For the male stereotype in us all.
Meet that steak-eater at conservativematch.com. Their tagline: “sweethearts, not bleeding hearts.”
Check out this video from Planned Parenthood Canada. Note in particular the break-dancing penis.
Now you’re prepared for Britney’s mythological commercial for her new fragrance. You learn way more than you ever wanted to know about her subconscious.
Tabloid Fodder: The Staff Felony Edition

Us Weekly

Alleged crime: Pedophilia. This week, Timothy McDarrah, editor of the “Hot Stuff” column, was charged with trying to seduce an FBI agent posing on the Internet as a thirteen-year-old girl.

Why: Corrupted by too much coverage of Demi-Ashton. And too many innuendos. His last column rhapsodizes about Chelsea Clinton and others “on their hands and knees” looking for a lost cellphone.

People

Alleged crime: Cannibalism.

Why: Every time Kirstie Alley loses or gains five pounds, they start drooling.
In Touch

Alleged crime: Gambling.

Why: They clearly played the odds on Renee Zellweger’s marriage and, as a space filler, did a generic “Love Update” about how happy they are. Zellweger and husband Kenny Chesney requested an annulment last week. If that marriage was a horse, they’d have the Mafia knocking on their door right about now.
Star

Alleged crime: Prostitution.

Why: The magazine is shamelessly pimping Jennifer Aniston out to numerous hypothetical new boyfriends, including Jake Gyllenhaal and Simon Cowell, and coming up with headlines like “Sex Up Your Man!” We can just see Bonnie Fuller in a madam get-up.



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison, David Diehl, Melaina Mace and Marie Bernard.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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