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Crush of the Week





Jessica Simpson scares us. Not just because she looks like those shiny, sadistic, horsey-pretty girls from junior high, either. No, it’s because of the way she contorts her face when she sings. No one sings with less awareness of the words than Jessica. Turn the sound off and try to guess what she’s on about. It’s impossible, because she goes through the range of her wacky singing faces — anger,
craziness, coyness, lust — at a dizzying rate. In none of them does she appear particularly sexy, but she doesn’t seem to care. She makes her baby face and then she makes her psycho killer face and then she makes her slutty face, and then she’s done and beams virginally for the camera as if nothing has happened. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Photos of the Week

Britney got married this weekend, and here are the romantic photos the Post ran: the wedding party wearing their gifts from the happy couple: track suits emblazoned with "Hot Mama" for the girls, and "Pimp" for the boys. Dignity … always dignity. The Federlines reportedly danced their first dance to the fantastically cheesy Journey song, “Lights".


We
know these must both be urban legend pix, but since they keep getting
forwarded to us we’re sure they have something or other to say about
the zeitgeist, so here you go: The footprint and
the car hood.

And Now, a Word from The New York Times

“The thong underpant became a cultural touchstone, the very symbol of the tease. It caught on at a time when lad magazines like Maxim and FHM, with their photographs of panty-clad but never entirely nude women, took over from the old-man’s magazine, Playboy, with its gauzy, fully naked pinups; when adolescent love was celebrated with the soul-free hookup, a form of physical connection without the burden of intimacy. Ms. Lewinsky flashed her thong to begin an affair that didn’t feature real sex, at least by the definition of one of the parties. Ms. Spears, the celebrity perhaps most associated with the thong, embraced the virgin/temptress paradox with cutting accuracy. Audiences could look, but they could never touch. The thong is an invitation, not a promise.” — From "Now You See It, Now You Don’t," by Alex Kuczynski.

The Nerdiest Sex Scene on this Week’s Best-Seller List

“My mattress was craggy with books by the time we got around to lying down together, hardly even pretending to read anymore. It’s probably true that the room was too hot for the sweater she was wearing. And it’s probably true that the room wouldn’t been too hot for the sweater she was wearing even if the air-conditioning had been on and the snow had been falling the way it did on Easter weekend. She was wearing a T-shirt beneath it, and a black bra under that, but it was watching Katie take off that sweater, and seeing the way it left her hair mussed, strands floating in a halo of static electricity, that gave me a feeling Tantalus never quite got to, that a sensational future had finally pressed itself up against a heavy, hopeful present, throwing the switch that completes the circle of time.” — From The Rule of Four by Ian Caldwell and Dustin Thomason.

In the News

The Hugh Jackman-starring musical Boy From Oz closed. Here, from Defamer, is a photo from the final performance. Yes, that’s Matt Damon.

Al Goldstein, the magnificently luckless Screw magazine publisher, is now a host at the Second Avenue Deli in Manhattan.

This poster for the film Hollywood Buddha has the Thai community in an outrage. To Buddhists, the head is the most sacred part of the body and is not to be touched, let alone sat upon. The actor’s feet, the least holy part of the body, hang by Buddha’s eyes.

A Japanese school principal is in trouble for cutting a student’s hair to keep as a memento.

Members of the Traditional Values Coalition warn parents that Shrek 2 features transgenderism and crossdressing and is therefore part of “the transgender effort and the effort to deconstruct the biological reality of male and female.”

A store in Germany tried to get publicity by having a topless model at their appliance sale, but no one cared.

By contrast, in Taiwan, “betel nut beauties” — women who sell
nuts at roadside stands — have been requested by the police to wear more
clothing
, to prevent car accidents.

Norwegian rappers contract includes a clause stipulating that if their album sells over ten thousand copies their manager has to clean one of the rapper’s mother’s house wearing only socks.

A man tried to sue his wife for denying him sex for five days.

Women in Moscow can give unwanted admirers a phone number that leads to this message: “Hello. Welcome to the Moscow refusal service. The person who left you this telephone number does not want to speak to you. Goodbye.”

Miss America contestants will henceforth wear two-piece Speedos, and some of them aren’t happy about it.

A new video game called “The Guy Game” has players answering trivia questions, then guessing what the on-screen girl, filmed during Spring Break in Florida, will answer. If you’re right about her answer, she takes her clothes off.

The judges at the World
Music Awards
aren’t very worldly … Best New Female: Hilary
Duff?

A fansite for new film The Seed
of Chucky
is called the Sperm
Bank
. It’s unclear if they want sperm, time or money. Or all
three. The movie features a Britney Spears lookalike. You can see
her in the trailer,
near the end. Britney’s pissed about
it.

Avril Lavigne’s getting married! No, wait, Avril Lavigne is definitely not getting married, according to her unfuture husband’s publicist: “Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 is not engaged . . . If there was a picture that captured Deryck kneeling [in a proposal] it was more likely him bending over to pick up the crack pipe that fell out of a paparazzo’s pocket.”

Product Placement


The Porn For Kerry DVD claims to be the "hottest political porn ever shot!" The summaries on the website are priceless: “Scene 1: After a particularly heated TV debate, blonde bombshell conservative Ann Cunter and quirky comedian Al Frankenbeans blow off some steam in the dressing room … Scene 3: Jorge Bush thought his hot tub business meeting with King Fahk of Sexy Alabia would be, well, all business. But his highness always knows how to entertain guests with his personal squad of sex minions!" Plus, all proceeds go to the Kerry campaign.

Gendered candy: Men’s Pocky and the Original "Not For Girls" Yorkie.

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: "Roy’s Road Back: Almost killed by his 600-lb. tiger, the Vegas star talks about the incident, his recovery and why he still loves cats."

Deadly sin exploited: Pride. Roy Horn insists the tiger was "trying to help him."

Sex promised/delivered: 3/5. Plus one point for the photo of cutie John C. Reilly and another for the oddly nonchalant one of Charlize Theron, Penelope Cruz, and Stuart Townsend hanging out in bed together (from the soundly panned film Head in the Clouds). Minus one point for the photo of breathtakingly unhuggable people frolicking at a Cuddle Party.

Us Weekly

Cover: "Ben in Love! Nights at Jen Garner’s! Hot PDA! Ben’s sexy new look. How Affleck got over J. Lo — and got his dream girl."

Deadly sin exploited: Greed. "I’m happy, single and loving it," says Paris Hilton in the opening to the spread on "Hot Young Hollywood."

Sex promised/delivered: 9/8. The whole "he’s sleeping over" angle is a little icky, but the photos of mansions owned by stars under thirty were pretty satisfying.

In Touch

Cover: "Baby News: They’ve both planned quickie weddings, sparking rumors they’re pregnant. What’s the real story?"

Deadly sin exploited: Envy. "How Jason Feels Now" chronicles the fifty-five-hour husband’s distrust of Kevin.

Sex promised/delivered: 5/4. Quickie weddings do not pregnancies confirm.

Star

Cover: "Who got fat! Who got thin! OMIGOD! It’s Kathleen Turner: now 212 lbs! She’s 5’10"."

Deadly sin exploited: Gluttony. Weight fluctuation is hypnotic.

Sex promised/delivered: 9/10. This is one of those weeks where reading Star makes you feel dirtier than Hustler ever could.

Scanner
appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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