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Rings of Fire
Reviews of female "smoking performances" in popular films, from the Female Celebrity Smoking List.

Helena Bonham Carter in Fight Club:

“at least two different scenes . . . in each . . . she exhales the same way: letting the thick, consistent smoke flow slowly out her mouth like a chimney, but not a french inhale . . . In the first two scenes she sexily lets the smoke drift out her mouth. In about the next four or five scenes, she dangles and looks great doing it. Not many exhales unfortunately . . . There is another deleted scene with Helena standing outside a building lighting up with a match. You get to see the first part of the inhale, but then it cuts away and you don’t see anything else.”

Gwyneth Paltrow in The Royal Tenenbaums:

“A very enjoyable smoking performance… has a hands free drag and exhale during the opening credits, and has approximately eight other smoking scenes in the film, with a few dangles, several inhales and exhales.”

Lauren Bacall in To Have and Have Not:

“In this, the film often credited with starting a million women smoking, the 19-year-old Bacall actually takes only four drags off her non-filter. But what drags! All from the initial lighting – deeply inhaled and thickly expelled. She blows out a match with one exhale. You can see why others were attracted to the habit.”

Madonna in Who’s That Girl:

“She couldn’t smoke then. Waste of time.”

 
Wave of Mutilation

From the "reader stories" section on masturbationhorror.com.

Well, I did a real dumb thing about 11 years ago. I had this flute-style glass flower vase, and it looked perfect for masturbation. The right width and length. So, I opened this old trunk I had and put it between the open lip and the lid. When I got on my knees it was the perfect height. Well, it was working great until I put too much pressure on the lid and it crushed the vase with my cock inside it. I put the pressure on it right when I was cumming, and it severely severed my dick. There was blood everywhere, and I had to have emergency surgery. The wounds were superficial and I had 30 stitches in my cock. It was extremely painful and I contemplated suicide many times, and almost did it once. I have lived with the terror and humiliation beyond all description.

I realize that others think it’s funny, but I have very painful flashbacks and I’ve never been able to have another relationship or sleep with a woman since. I doubt I ever will. My cock has a barely visible scar on it, but it is there. Often I think back to it and I can barley overcome my shame. I can’t even talk to a counselor, maybe the anonymous sharing of my story is the first step.

***

I am a 19 year old guy, and one afternoon I thought it would be fun to insert a cucumber all the way into my anus. I had done this before and was always able to pass it back out easily. Well this time it went in, and I couldn’t get it to come back out. I also had previous engagement with a friend that afternoon so I reluctantly went with the cucumber still in my anus. I was fine for most of the afternoon until I felt it coming! Needless to say I had to rush for the bathroom, but nobody was the wiser. That experience scared the hell out of me, but it was still fun.

***

Having discovered the pleasures of minty things like Altoids on my cock, I got to thinking about what the “other side” might be like.

So, I poured a couple of drops of Tabasco sauce on the head of my dick and started to wank. it was feeling good, so I poured several more drops on my dick AND my ball sack. it felt absolutely tremendous when I came, but unfortunately the Tabasco was just getting started. long story short, I had to spent over an hour in the shower trying in vain to douse the heat, which felt like a fire consuming every inch of my genitals for the duration. it was NOT worth it!

 
Freaky Links
Search terms that recently led people to the masturbation site www.worldwidewank.com:

1. cat giving finger
2. women with cameltoes
3. muff diving OR dive OR diver pink taco
4. my own clit
5. (videos+OR+pictures)+AND+(wank+OR+((jerk+OR+jack)+AND+off))
6. man riding a taco
7. pu-tang pie
8. sex with my wife’s best friend
9. basement+exercise+brother+penis+pump
10. mackerel in pussy
11. where can I wank
12. gagging whendrinking
13. Pam Andersonwrestling a hose
14. my dog is licking my pussy
15. beaver playingpoker
16. things people putup their
17. pussy flossing

 
Original Syntax
From “Words that Sound Dirty, But Aren’t.” The complete list, with pictures, can be found at http://www.cs.berkeley.edu/~mmc/funwords.html.

acerose
Like a needle.

archbishopric
The region over which an archbishop reigns.

assonance
A crappy rhyme where only the vowels match, like “poop chute.”

Balzac
A 19th-century French novelist.

coccyx
Otherwise known as the tailbone. Strangely enough, the number of parts varies from about one to three in humans.

cock-a-leekie
A Scottish soup made with capons and leeks. Usage: “I certainly had my fill of cock-a-leekie that day.”

cockchafer
A maybug, or May beetle.

 
May the Force Be With You
Letters written to Princess Melissa, a web-based dominatrix. View all at http://www.humiliatrix.com/comments.html.

Princess Melissa: Many thanks for offering a truly remarkable site that is unique, authentic and extremely well thought out. I especially enjoy the way you integrate size humiliation, crossdressing, cuckolding and sissy themes constructed around the helplessness of the smitten and ineffectual male who can only fantasize and eventually submit to female superiority and beauty. It is almost as though you have tapped into the the archetypal repositiory of fantasy of every underendowed sissy, bringing to light our most primal of desires to be emasculated by the essence of female beauty and power, which of course you possess. Many thanks for a genuinely innovative site that has left my prostate sore. Please don’t change the central themes and focus you have worked with up to now.

Thank You for the Losergram. It was nice getting your email (i think). Like the new Teasers. Except now it is even harder to stay away from Humiliatrix.com.

I see Melissa as a liberator of the human spirit. For Melissa to acknowledge and interact with the submissive inner child that resides in so many men demonstrates her respect for all humanity. Under her mocking smirk I sense a bit of compassion.

I just have to tell You that I can’t help spanking my little pee-pee while listening to Your recordings! I do it over and over and over, but PLEASE don’t tell anyone! I love getting Your emails, and I’m always afraid one of my female students will see them, and then I’ll be exposed as a squirty pants!

i have really enjoyed YOUR website over the last several months. i am looking to find a Dominant GODDESS just like YOU, MELISSA, to take over control of my sex drive with a locked on chastity device and to use, manipulate, humiliate, tease and control me for HER own amusement and enrichment. i must admit to YOU that i am a middle-aged submissive wimp who has a cock that never gets bigger than 4 inches when “it” gets fully erect. i dream daily about being married to Beautiful sadistic FEMALE GODDESS like YOU, MELISSA. The type of marriage in which i was never allowed to have the normal sexual relationship with my WIFE, but was instead trained to become a pathetic “sexual puppet” for HER own amusement. my role as a husband would include such duties as doing all the housework, cooking, cleaning, errand running, as well as earning enough money so that my GODDESS could spend HER time shopping and looking sexy for HER “real men” lovers.

 
— Compiled by Sarah Harrison and Gwynne Watkins

© 2003 Nerve.com, Inc.



 


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