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Crush of the Week

It’s hard to believe that a man who so loved
the word "cantilevered" and gave his characters names like
Eufaula Roop could have died alone and left no survivors. In honor
of Russ Meyer’s passing,
last night we rented Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens (part
of the red-box Bosomania series). Watching it while you fall asleep
will ensure you dream about coffins and old-time hymns
and Pong and rivers and junkyards and black socks. In Meyer’s world,
sex is dangerous and ridiculous and fun and all the girls wear gingham.
The cartoonish violence — murder-by-garbage-truck, sound-effect-heavy
punches, multicolored blood — make it seem like sex and danger
are eternally, happily interwoven. In a 1996 interview with the Associated
Press, Meyer described his films as "passion plays … Beauty
against something that’s totally evil." And for that, he is
our crush of the week. R.I.P. — Ada Calhoun

Photo of the Week

What is there to say?

Britney Watch

We made fun of the wedding track suits last
week. Ha-ha. But the bad taste takes a sinister turn this week
as we learn that Britney married Kevin in a fake ceremony (spelled
out in excruciatingly cynical detail in this document)
only to marry him for real the next day. The blushing newlywed
then threw
milkshakes at reporters
while wearing an alien mask. Fine.
But this dress! The bra strap! The garter! The exclusive photos
given to People, cause apparently she’s too good for Star now
that she’s Mrs. Icky Dancer Pimp Daddy Loser? We must turn now
to a friend from Texas for commentary on the pop princess’s exponentially
increasing vulgarity. “She’s from Louisiana; it was bound
to happen,” our
expert says, shaking his head sadly. “All those trashy, gun-smacking
prom school girls hit their peak at seventeen and then at roughly
twenty they ‘act out’ by spending a couple of years drunk and naked,
throwing food around and shouting unintelligbly." So what’s
the next chapter in the Britney playbook? "Duh. Getting born
again at twenty-six."

Must-Analyze TV

The first episode of this season’s Extreme Makeover: Model Edition — oops, I mean America’s Next Top Model — on
UPN narrowed twenty-five hopefuls down to fourteen, with a Jerry
Springer-ish bar fight on the first night. Tiffany, the trash-talking
high school dropout from Miami, a victim of some local girls’ spite,
was hauled away by her new friends, screaming “bitch poured beer
on my weave!” The official UPN synopsis quotes her as saying “That
girl poured beer on my weave!” and then chimes in with: “anger and
violence seem to follow her wherever she goes.” Who
invited Dr. Phil? Eva just wants to be loved, Tocarra is pushing
plus-plus at 180 pounds, Amanda is going blind, Norelle has braces.
Looks like we’re in for a season of tearful confessions, hard
life lessons, and redeeming triumphs. I liked it better when the
girls
were, as
Tiffany
so eloquently
put
it, bitches. — Whitney Lawson

In the News

20/20, that bastion of journalistic integrity, is looking for volunteers to test viewers’ gaydar. May we volunteer Mr. John Stossel?

The Smoking Gun has posted the complete text of Kobe Bryant‘s very graphic initial interview with police.

We don’t care what the story is about; we’re all about the headline (found in the Independent): "The Impossibility of Eroticism in the Suburbs."

The New York Observer takes on an important election-year topic: the fuck buddy.
Christina Aguilera taped a segment for the MTV show Sex, Votes And Higher Power where she interviews kids about the importance of abstinence.
Mary Kay Letourneau will wed Vili Fualaau, the student she was sent to prison for having sex with when he was twelve. Anyone know where they’re registered?

Apple is mad at Fuse over the campaign pictured because it resembles the one for iPods. We wonder if Girls Gone Wild will go after Fuse, too, for these flasher ads.

The New York Post does the world a favor by listing all the celebrities that have had lovers’ names tattooed onto their bodies, including Paris Hilton, who tattooed Nick Carter’s name on her butt six weeks before they broke up.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest has asked the FCC to ban the advertisement of sex supplements.

The EU’s new anti-discrimination laws prohibit people from specifying what gender roommate they want when they advertise an empty room.

The new date rape drug comes as a cigarette soaked in embalming fluid.

“It’s a question of the lesser of two evils,” says a woman allergic to semen. “Do I want to lose the feeling of intimacy with my husband or have the rash and the headaches, dizziness and shortness of breath afterwards?”

People who strip to buy art get a 25% discount at this gallery.

Product Placement





Some girl in Houston makes soap with ceramic
fetuses inside. It’s called Fetosoap,
and it comes in various forms: punk rock fetus soap,
conjoined-twin fetus soap, and even little Santa fetus soap (for
holidays).

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: "Britney’s Wedding Album: The couple tell all about their secret ceremony, tearful vows and her hope to have a baby next year."

Angle on Britney’s wedding: Gushing; "Exclusive Photos!"

Brit and Kev’s dopplegangers; future: Brad and Jennifer; joy and pearly smiles all around.

Sex promised/delivered: 7/8. Whatever People had to do to get the garter picture (above) is worth it.

In Touch

Cover: "Britney’s Wacky Wedding! Chicken fingers, boom-box music, jeans as wedding favors … it’s being called the tackiest celebration ever!"

Angle on Britney’s wedding: Snobby; “the kind of food you’d expect at a Super Bowl party…"

Brit and Kev’s dopplegangers; future: Marc and J. Lo; fights are on the way.

Sex promised/delivered: 8/6. We happen to agree that Britney is the tackiest celebrity of all time, but we happen to like chicken fingers.

Us Weekly

Cover: “Did She Fake Her Wedding? An exclusive document says Spears staged a ‘faux wedding.’”

Angle on Britney’s wedding: Suspect; “all the prenup details…”

Brit and Kev’s dopplegangers: Cameron and Justin; break-up bound.

Sex promised/delivered: 9/7. Not so exclusive, actually (see above).

Star

Cover: "Wedding Bombshells! Britney says ‘I Do’ — Sandra Bullock will be next."

Angle on Britney’s wedding: Detail oriented; “total calories for each of Brit’s guests: 1,934.”

Brit and Kev’s dopplegangers: Sandra and whatshisname; waning fame.

Sex promised/delivered: 9/8. Minus one point for asking for the hundredth
week in a row if Britney is pregnant.



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Research assistants:
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