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Crush of the Week

When you do a Google Image search for JetBlue pilot Scott Burke, who stayed so charmingly in control while guiding his damaged plane to a perfect emergency landing last week, you get two pictures: one plane shot and one still from Designing Women. When you search under his media nickname, “Captain Cool,” you get this one of a crazy baby. Somewhere in the intersection of the three lies Mr. Burke’s appeal. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

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Quotes of the Week

“I hereby acknowledge…the work environment is one in which joking and innuendo based on female sex appeal is commonplace.” — From the new-employee document Hooters waitresses have to sign.

“The Clinton condom will be the top of our line. The Lewinsky condom is not quite as good.” — China pays dubious tribute to Bill Clinton, who’s advocated for safe sex in the country.
“Question #6:  Do you ever IM people in the same room?” —from the Teen People quiz “Is It Time To Log Off?” This link was sent to us by someone we can see as we type. Other IM conversations that hour included: “What are you doing for lunch?,” “What’s this CD we’re listening to?” and the classic, “I just sent you an email.”
“[Bush’s new anti-porn] squad will divert eight [F.B.I.] agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against ‘manufacturers and purveyors’ of pornography — not the kind exploiting children, but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, consenting adults.” — From a recent Washington Post article about how our government is declaring war on pornography.
“But the casual and steady insistence of sexual images surely has its effects on all of us — effects not so conducive to being satisfied by plain old bodies.” — Et tu, Slate? What’s up with all the antiporn stuff over there, seriously? Laura Kipnis excluded. Regarding the antiporn writers, she said: “Even when I agreed with them, the self-certainty about what correct desire is made me want to jump out of my skin. Or go watch some porn.” Read Nerve’s Q&A with Kipnis here.
Photos of the Week

New Smallville poster. Apparently, the squeaky-clean thing wasn’t working out for them.

Gwynne, our office manager, says this picture reminds her of an erotic Sasquatch story she had to read when she was the Nerve intern fielding unsolicited submissions. When she recalls these days, she shudders dramatically.
Jenny McCarthy classes up Howard Stern’s “tickle chair.”
Anna Nicole and Tyra Banks play with their breasts on Tyra’s talk show.
If we’re convinced the whole Kate Moss coke scandal was arranged by her publicist to restore her edginess, does that make us cynical?
From Our Inbox

“I’ll never use my remaining eighteen dollars worth of credits or visit your site again, so I’d suggest you take that cash, buy the hugest Jewish cucumbers you can find and shove them up your ass till you bleed to death!” — Gwynne got this note the other day and can’t help wondering: Does he mean the cucumbers should be circumcised? Our only clue: Cucumber Man uses a Camus quote as his signature: “Most people do not realize how much effort some must put forth merely to appear normal.”

In our attempt last week to jauntily publicize a mixer hosted by the new TV channel Current, we got a producer over there totally mad at us! Really, really mad! “As a producer trying to reach out to the Nerve community working on a piece focusing on women taking control of their sex lives in an open manner (something that your site promotes ¡X I thought), I did not appreciate your characterization of our event. Al Gore will not be present.” We know! We didn’t mean he’d really be there! We meant . . . sigh. We think this communication breakdown should serve as some kind of lesson for us and for the Democratic party, but we’re not sure what it is yet.
In the News

THIS JUST IN! The New York Times reports that — wait for it — married men stop in parking lots and have gay sex! And have for some time! No, really, it’s true!

The New York State Teachers’ Retirement System allgedly owns 1,077,400 shares of stock in Movie Gallery, the nation’s largest retailer of XXX-rated porn films.
According to Foreign Policy magazine, the end of monogamy is rapidly approaching. Jacques Attali writes that life-expectancy increases will make it nearly impossible to love only one person for the duration of one’s life.
Demi and Ashton marry; somewhere out there, Demi’s fifth husband is born.
Sienna Miller has reportedly made a list of six rules Jude Law must obey after his nanny affair:
1) Never be unfaithful again
2) Stay away from ex-wife Sadie and her friends
3) Romance her again before considering marriage
4) Stop losing his temper
5) Let her make her own career choices
6) Let her see her friends when she wants.
Yeah, that’s way better than (1) Get the fuck out of her way while she enjoys watching his career tank and sleeps with all his friends.
Product Placement

Couple Box is new software designed to keep your “intimate photos, videos and erotica” safe on your computer. We love this handy, very professional diagram on how to hide your amateur porn.

Muslim Barbie.
Tart up your iPod Nano in the iPod Nano thong.
Are you a little ambivalent about parenthood? Dress your baby like a turd.
Tabloid Fodder: The We-Just-Cleaned-Out-Our-Desk Edition

Back in 2004
Major issue: Mary-Kate’s eating disorder.
Britney: Pre-pregnancy, drinking lots of Red Bull and insisting she and Kevin won’t do a reality show.
Lindsay: Red-headed and curvy.
Nicky Hilton: Newlywed.
Brad and Jennifer: Are they going to adopt?
Jessica and Nick: Fighting.

Today
Major issue: Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney’s wedding is annuled on the basis of fraud.
Britney: Hiding out post-baby.
Lindsay: Blonde and scary-thin.
Nicky Hilton: Patron saint of the celebrity-marriage-annulment trend.
Brad and Jennifer: Is Jennifer going to freak out if Brad and Angelina adopt more?
Jessica and Nick: Still fighting. At least some things are forever.


Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison,
David Diehl, Melaina Mace and Marie Bernard.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.

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