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Crush of the Week

You know how you get a crush on someone, then something disillusions you? Like they say, “Adaptation was the best movie ever made,” or they get a stupid haircut, or suddenly they start liking you back? But ever notice how, sometimes, finding out the worst about them makes you admire them more?
   We were initally impressed with Ashley Smith because she was able to use religion to talk down a killer who broke into her apartment and convince him to turn himself into the police. But now it’s been revealed that she kept him from killing her by giving him drugs. Specifically, she gave him crystal meth. “If God really were involved, wouldn’t he have put VALIUM on her nightstand?” our editor-in-chief, Michael, asked in a morning-after Ashley Smith rethinking.
    We were also shocked to learn that her husband died in her arms after being stabbed during a brawl, not in a mine or Iraq as we’d assumed. And we were also surprised that she had a five-inch scar on her torso — “the aftermath of a car wreck caused by drug-induced psychosis.” Talk about killing the magic. But then we thought, wow, her husband died in her arms, she had a major car wreck, and still she didn’t quit meth. Only a serial killer tying her up in her apartment (and a book deal) got her sober. “God spends a little more time on certain people,” Michael said, quoting ‘NSYNC.
   And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun


Quotes of the Week

“Shirley Temple Black Blasts Paris Hilton” — Wackiest gossip of the week. It’s a geriatric dogpile! Shirley Temple and Shirley MacLaine go after Paris Hilton. Run, Paris, run!

“I’ve got a cup in my pants just bubbling with seed.” — A line from Infertility, the Musical That’s Hard to Conceive. The best ticket in town: post-show, stage door, where the actors rend their clothing and scream curses at God.
“Drop me a line when you get a chance and let me know your thoughts on these bands . . . or on anything else. How do you feel about dessert as the first course of a meal? ;-)” — Is this publicist hitting on us? That leering emoticon makes us feel strangely vulnerable.
Photos of the Week

Is it just us, or does Bush’s new Supreme Court nominee have a mullet?

It’s the rare website that has both scary, melty nudes and a scary, funny interactive paint-the-nude-model game.
From Our Inbox

“Documentary on bisexuality in America seeks young (ages 13-30) bisexuals in America to feature in the film, entitled Bi the Way (see for more info). This film will trace the roots, transformations, and ‘comings out’ of bisexuality in American culture through a roadtrip-style anthropological/pop-cultural exploration. Please send your story via email to Brittany and Josephine:” The ladies came to our office yesterday to interview us about Nerve’s bi issue, and were very nice and smart, even though they did try to steal one of our especially helpful interns. And no, Peter, you can’t get in the tour van with the fun movie people. Get back to work.

In the News

A moment of silence, please.

Researchers learn that Hollywood films lack safe-sex messages.
Nicolas Cage has named his baby Kal-El.
UPN canceled Denise Richards’ Sex, Love & Secrets after one episode.
Product Placement

The Cockrule promises to give you a size-specific name for your penis that you can be proud of. We didn’t realize that Ikea-esque names like Jumber, Shaften, Donkster, Bonkore, Nubba and Beenol would fire up male egos, but there’s a lot we don’t understand about men.

“English mixed-media artist Paul Watson has been combining sex, glue and found objects for several years now. No, not in the bedroom, but in his art studio.” Best sales pitch for a collage series ever?
Tabloid Fodder: The Love or Hate Edition

Love or Hate?: Love! Prince William’s girlfriend is, according to the magazine’s cover, “scandal-free.” Call the preacher!

Us Weekly
Love or hate?: Hate! Jessica and Nick have SPLIT!, as the cover tells us in a two-thousand-point font.
In Touch
Love or Hate?: Hate! Angelina and Jen are having a major feud.
Love or Hate: Hate! Hate! Hate! Man stealers are on the march! The rehabs are overflowing! Dreams are being crushed! The chaise lounge where Jen and Ben sunbathed is a testament to the fickleness of love and the cruelty of fate! The only way you’re safe is if you’re a hot, nineteen-year-old college student, in which case your ability to seduce movie stars and moguls makes you the most powerful creature on earth.

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Research assistants: Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison,
David Diehl, Melaina Mace and Marie Bernard.
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