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October 5, 2004

REGULARS

Crush of the Week

Of all the girls-next-door, the one we'd most
like to see move is Hilary
Duff. She, more than any other, possesses an Eve Harringtonian
ambition that stomps, Godzilla-like, over all obstacles in her path.
Hostile and breathtakingly fake at all times, she's able to be sententious
and aw-shucksy at the same time. "Change is a very important
and natural thing," says Hilary of her latest recording project. "We called the album Metamorphosis because it's about changes that everybody experiences. It's not just about
me, but it is very personal. The change might seem a little sudden
because most people are used to seeing me as a character through
Lizzie McGuire and movie roles that I played. So this music is a
good way to get everyone to know the real me. Everyone evolves and
changes." And here's how she signs her relentlessly peppy online
diary: "Luv ya'll [sic], xoxo hil*." We see the real Hilary
and she has evil in her heart! And for that, she is our crush of
the
week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

"My boobs, they're like the ears of a dog.
It's what happens after having two children, and I love those little
marks of what you've been through." — Kate
Winslet

"That sounds pretty sexy. If you saw my body, you'd know what I mean." — Donald Trump, after being told a twelve-inch, $26.99 doll made in his likeness doesn't have underwear.

"I even take the position that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged." — Antonin Scalia in The Harvard Crimson. A correction later ran, noting that actualy Scalia introduced the statement with the line: "I even accept, for the sake of argument, that sexual orgies ..."

"Maybe who I am as a woman isn't somebody that can be a great partner and wife and also do the things I want to, be as dedicated and as in love with the world as I am. Maybe I was more in love with the world than my husbands and my dedication was more to people I didn't know." — Angelina Jolie

In the News
	Dolly Parton is getting a breast reduction. "My boobs are killing me," she says, "and I don't know if I can stand the pain any longer. My boobs have been a trademark for me — but I've paid one hell of a price."
A man was caught running a fake gynecological clinic out of a storage unit.
Virgin Atlantic's new ad campaign spoofs soft-core pornography. It will screen on the entertainment channels of the closed-circuit TV channels in hotel rooms.
A Las Vegas man who came upon some sexy photos of Jamie Foxx was beaten by two mysterious men demanding their return.
"Long Island Lolita" Amy Fisher is now a mother and a successful journalist with a new book, setting a good example for teenage girls everywhere who try to kill their skanky older boyfriends' wives.
Dahlia Lithwick says post-feminist women enjoy Trading Spouses and Wife Swap because they "cater to a woman's need to both escape her home and family and make them over."
	At least one porn vendor is getting around New York's notorious "60/40 Rule" by stocking The Passion of the Christ alongside pornography.
The Spanish government has legalized gay marriage.
	The new Colin Farrell movie Alexander has reportedly been delayed because the hero is presently "too gay."
In Finland, you can rent a husband, but not for sex.
The eek-now-we-know-why-almost-no-one-lives-there Pitcairn Island sex trials began this week.

Product Placement
	Weanie Babies. Not to be confused with the Weenie TY Beanie Baby.
	"Lookin' Cute Feelin' Cute Booty Shorts" from the Gay Pimp.
Nipple ligtening cream brings out "the brightness and color in your nipples."
For Halloween, a condom painted like a ghost.
	The pussy in a cup, for for that on-the-go business businessman."Brimming with a jelly-lotion, this sponge is based on AV starlet Ai Nagase's genitals. Remove the top, and insert yourself into the cup and a soft, multi-ribbed sponge will greet you with pleasure."
	The latest in Girls Gone Wild's noble legacy: Girls on Bulls.

Tabloid Fodder
	People Cover: "Laci Peterson: The Trial's Climax: Trapped by His Lies" Couple reportedly on the rocks +evidence: Everyone's doing great in sunny People-land ... except the murder victims. Couple reportedly doing well + evidence: Kevin Costner and his young bride (really swank wedding). Sex promised/delivered: 4/5. One bonus point for this line: "After the ceremony, Kevin just asked her, 'Do you want to get in the canoe?' It was a very sweet moment."
	Us Weekly Cover: "Why He Won't Marry Her: They're back on ... for now. But he won't commit. Inside the sexy couple's heartbreaking on-again, off-again drama." Couple reportedly on the rocks + evidence: Justin and Cameron (he's a slut). Nick and Jessica (she's messy; he's neat). Couple reportedly doing well + evidence: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner (PDA). Sex promised/delivered: 8/7. Informative who-celebrities-are-voting-for guide. Bush supporters: Angie Harmon, Shannen Doherty, Bruce Willis and Stephen Baldwin, who fears "God is being erased from our culture."
	In Touch Cover: "Is J. Lo Jealous? Does Jennifer Garner have the one thing J. Lo wants — Ben?" Couple reportedly on the rocks + evidence: Britney and Kevin (target shooting on their honeymoon). Couple reportedly doing well + evidence: Ben and Jennifer (they "come from similar backgrounds.") Sex promised/delivered: 7/8. Minus one point because "Mark Wahlberg talks about his journey from crotch-grabbing bad boy to devoted dad," but plus two for "The Ten Sexiest Men of the Season" spread.
	Star Cover: "Paris in Tears: New Sex and Drugs Video! Who She's With! What She Does! Couple reportedly on the rocks + evidence: Reese and Ryan (fighting in public). Couple reportedly doing well + evidence: Tom and Nicole (sharing kids nicely since divorce). Sex promised/delivered: 10/10. Page nineteen features Paris Hilton's breasts Photoshopped into sizes 32A, 34C, 36D, and 38DD.