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What You Didn’t See on MTV
Requisite Britney-and-Madonna-backstage-at-the-VMAs fan fiction.

     “Let me return the favor,” Britney finally rasped after a loud, screaming orgasm. “I couldn’t live with myself if I don’t eat your pussy tonight.”
     “Feel free,” Madonna purred. She then slipped out of her cocktail gown and lay down on the sofa. Her body was tight and firm due to so much yoga.
     “I see you’re a natural brunette,” Britney said, admiring Madonna’s bush of pubic hair.
     Madonna smiled. “Stop gawking at it and eat it, you cunt-teasing bitch.”
     Britney laughed and dove head first into Madonna’s pussy. She used a technique that she always liked others to perform on herself– she wrote out words using her tongue on Madonna’s clit. She wrote the words “I love you Madonna” with her tongue. While Madonna didn’t seem to “read” what Britney was communicating, she did seem pleased with what Britney was doing to her crotch.
     “That feels fucking great, you little bitch. Make Mama cum, you dirty whore,” Madonna said. She seemed to have returned, at least temporarily, to the Erotica era of her career when she created the notorious Sex book. It was definitely hot.
     At last Madonna’s body began to shake all over as she came. When it was over she reached down and took Britney in her arms.
     “You’re so much like me in the early stages of my career,” Madonna whispered to her. “I feel so close to you that it almost felt like I was masturbating.”

 
Plastic Fantastic
Product description from Spikybras.com, a maker of silicone accessories for men and women.

Looking to get your point across? You’ll really make a statement in this unique bra made with soft little silicone kisses. A fun alternative to the Madonna-style cone bra which can be hard and standoffish, the texture and touch ability of silicone is irresistible. Not only that, your man will think of you fondly whenever he waterproofs a window, seals the leaking roof, or caulks the bathroom tile. Yes, you will have him doing household chores with a smile on his face!

 
Upright Citizens Brigade
From A Woman’s Guide on How to Pee Standing Up.

Finger Assist Method (A Device Free Method)
    Wash or wipe your hands clean with a moist towellette.
    Adjust clothing. Pants should be pulled down in front a few inches.
    Skirts should be lifted. Underwear should be pulled down at the waistband or move the fabric at the crotch to one side.
    Wipe your labia area clean.
    Using either hand, make a "V” with your first and second finger and spread the inside of your labia minora. (the INNER lips) Beginners may want to try using the fingers from both hands for better control.
    Lift to the desired angle, then pee. (If you don’t spread and lift, it could run down your leg.)
    Wipe your labia if necessary.
    Wash your hands and you’re done!

Solving Problems
My pee stream goes everywhere except where I want it to!
This is normal when you’re first starting. It sometimes take a lot of practice to hit your target accurately. As you may know, a lot of men never master this! (and they’ve been doing it all their lives!) I recommend practicing in the bathtub or shower until you can consistently hit the drain.

My pee stream veers off to one side.
If your urethra orifice is angled, causing the stream to veer to the left or right, you need to compensate. Gently pull one of the labia minora "flaps” slightly to get the stream to go straight. If in your case the stream is going in the left direction, you should pull slightly on the left "flap”.

 
Perhaps Too Much Information
From the website All About My Vagina.

My vagina only makes two noises that I am aware of, and it does not make them very often.

The first kind of noise occurs when either set of my labia is quite wet, or if there is a pool of wetness at the mouth of my vagina. Moving my vagina in nearly any way will cause the wet parts to press against each other and pull apart, producing a noise like lapping, or bubbles popping. A wet noise.

The other kind of noise is the oft made fun of farting noise that occurs after air is forced into my vagina during sex or daily life. My roommate informed me of a slang term for this but I forget it (wait, it’s queef, and many people seem to use this judging by the emails I’ve been getting . . . Another suggestion: vart). I’ve never known a vulgar term for these.

I find that air is more likely to get into my vagina during sex in positions other than man on top missionary (possibly related to less direct angles of entry catching air in the inward thrust). Also, more air gets in if my manfriend is making longer thrusts (drawing further out before re-entry), or if my vagina is less lubricated, as in extended sessions of love making or if it just wasn’t terribly slippery to start with.

In cases when I have become full of both air and smut I can do tricks with my vagina. In these situations I refer to it as a volcano. With some experimentation, if you are a silly nerd like me, you can achieve quite a range of vaginal vocalizations, including multiple notes and panting noises.

 
Right Schwing
A list of items retrieved on eBay by searching for the words “Republican fetish”:

Republican Red White and Blue Men’s Tie
Gay Novel, Political Thriller, Book
Ten Cent Dancing Sandwiches
Rare Bee Gees Tribute CD – Import, Mint!
Earthman Come Home (Hardcover)

 
— Compiled by Sarah Harrison and Gwynne Watkins

© 2003 Nerve.com, Inc.



 


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