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Crush of the Week

We used to watch CNN in the morning, judging those makeover- and recipe-laden network shows to be insufficently rigorous. Then things got a little too rigor mortis for the AM, so we went scurrying back to the Today Show. And who was waiting there for us? Alexis Glick, the entrancing cohost of the nine o’clock hour. She’s working this compassionate-nurse-hot-soccer-mom-beatific-newslady hybrid that manages both to get us out of bed and make us late for work on a regular basis.
    Fascinating facts: Two years ago, she was managing 200 traders on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. Then she decided to do television. Just like that. She has two kids. She’s thirty-two.
   With the rumors that she’s a Couric-in-waiting have come brickbats; Glick’s detractors compare her on-camera chops unfavorably to those of j-school grad and future COTY Natalie Morales. To that we say, yes, Ms. Glick could probably stand to lower her voice a bit and work on the clothes, but we too have tried to a) totally change careers; b) talk engagedly about things like "ubersexuality" and frozen-food diets; c) appear to like Katie Couric and d) do television. It is all EXCEEDINGLY DIFFICULT. Oh, yeah, and she’s not Ann Curry. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Michael Martin

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Quotes of the Week

“Beauties in Heels and the Men Who Love Them.” — The Times wins this week for most-like-a-soft-porn-title headline.

“DeVette would not comment on the baby’s gender or say how far along the pregnancy is. The rep did say that Holmes, twenty-six, ‘has never felt better.'” — An update on Tom Cruise’s baby. Michael, our editor-in-chief, points out that Mia Farrow’s character in Rosemary’s Baby also felt better after the devil’s spawn progressed beyond the first trimester.
“With his shaved head, goatee and slender frame, he resembles an emaciated Howie Mandel.” — CNN stone-cold burns pick-up guru Neil Strauss.
“The keynote address on Thursday will be given by the 2003 Nobel Biology laureate Kees Moeliker, who won for documenting the first — and so far only — recorded case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard duck.” — Yahoo News.
Photos of the Week

A Google search for Kees Moeliker turns up these images, both of which are really disturbing when viewed with the phrase “homosexual duck necrophilia” in mind. Gwynne, our office manager, would like you all to know she’s starting a band so she can name it Kees Moeliker.

A press photo for the proto-feminist comedy Betty and Joan: Free to Be Friends at the UCB Theater.
There are more carved penises on the site for Greco-Roman erotic art than you can shake an Incan phallus vase at.
Plenty of people go around mentally starrring in their own movie (personally, we go back and forth between playing Myrna Loy in The Libeled Lady and Holly Hunter in Broadcast News), but how many women are actually living a Russ Meyer flick?
Remember when sword-swallowing was something practiced by glamorous ladies in evening gowns rather than tattooed twenty-four-year-old guys?
If you’ve ever wanted to watch a girl in a creepy Wonder Woman mask puke into a sink to the strains of “Papa Don’t Preach,” then give Batman a blowjob, here’s your chance: Teenage Superhero Pregnancy Scare. It’s a million hours long and makes you feel almost the identical amount icky as that thirty-four-second video of Janet Jackson sunbathing nude.
From Our Inbox

“Writers’ Call for Submission: Sleeping With the Gods: An Erotic Odyssey — an anthology inspired by classical mythology edited by Mitzi Szereto (to be published by Thunder’s Mouth Press/Avalon Publishing Group, NY). Classical mythology has always contained a strong undercurrent of the erotic. It is my goal as editor to take this to a further erotic realm, fostering the creation of a new myth based on the classical. Although the main focus will be on the Greco-Roman tradition, I will consider material outside of this area. Select your favourite myth and go where your imagination takes you! Contemporary themes preferred. (**NOTE: some myths have already been taken.)”

Games People Play

Last week, we hit the celebrity trifecta: breakup (Nick and Jessica), car crash (Lindsay) and baby (Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes). And amid the Nerve office’s four-way IM delirium, Michael pointed out that some celebrity news stories are just a long version of that “in bed” game kids used to play with fortune cookies. Case in point, from People:

Calling Paris Hilton “the most incredible woman I have ever met [IN BED],” Paris Latsis said on Monday that he respects the heiress’s decision Friday to break off their engagement.

“I love Paris very much [IN BED],” Latsis said in a statement made through a rep for Hilton. “This was the best experience of my life [IN BED]. And I will always be grateful for it.”

Hilton, not wanting to make a “mistake [IN BED],” called off her wedding to her Greek shipping heir boyfriend just four months after he had popped the question. [IN BED]

“She feels that she’s young and she wants to make sure it’s right [IN BED],” actress Kyle Richards, Hilton’s aunt, tells PEOPLE. “She didn’t want to make a mistake [IN BED] with the whole world watching.”

In the News

A Danish man with cerebral palsy would like the state to pay for his prostitutes.

London’s getting a sexual theme park.
There was a mix-up in Utah, and some Mormon stores accidentally stocked Adored: Diary of a Porn Star in place of a DVD about the Mormon boy band Everclean. Something tells us this wasn’t so much an accident as it was a really effective practical joke by a stoner stock clerk who’s beyond proud of himself right now.
The debate about the meaning of “hollaback girl” continues.
Product Placement

Ancient Philosophy Intimates sells underwear with philosopher quotes on them. Gwynne thinks they’re missing a golden opportunity by not having a Camus-sole, which would read: “A single sentence will suffice for modern man: he fornicated and read the papers.”
Kylie Minogue’s Barbie-sized bra went up on eBay.
We’re sure the existence of Fabulous and Gay beauty products says something about society, but we’re not sure what yet.
“The magic of India at your doorstep.” Indeed.


Capital Punishment, the board game. That reminds us of the board game Past Lives, which we played one night years ago with these people who were our best friends for about a month. The game revealed us all to be deeply competitive and morally suspect. As I recall, the final round identified one guy as the rat who started the black plague. Maybe if we’d played Bowling Bunnies we’d still be friends now.
Tabloid Fodder: The Love or Hate Edition

People
Love or Hate?: Love! Prince William’s girlfriend is, according to the magazine’s cover, “scandal-free.” Call the preacher!

Us Weekly
Love or hate?: Hate! Jessica and Nick have SPLIT!, as the cover tells us in a two-thousand-point font.
In Touch
Love or Hate?: Hate! Angelina and Jen are at war (still), as are Linday and Hilary (again). Jen’s mad at Ben for smoking. Nicole’s mad at Adam for dressing sloppy.
Star
Love or Hate: Hate! Hate! Hate! Man stealers are on the march! The rehabs are overflowing! Dreams are being crushed! The chaise longue where Jen and Ben sunbathed is a testament to the fickle nature of love and the cruelty of fate! The only way you’re safe is if you’re a nineteen-year-old college student hot enough to seduce movie stars and moguls.


Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison,
David Diehl, Melaina Mace and Marie Bernard.
Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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