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Crush of the Week

The other night at the theater, we were seated near Monica Lewinsky and we couldn’t take our eyes off her. Back when she was being publicly humiliated by sex-crazed Republicans, we always thought she was cute (and no dumber than we were in our early twenties), but in person she’s downright hot. She has these huge eyes and this super-curvy body, set off to fine effect by fetching pantsuits and adoring throngs. She looked world-weary and fun at the same time. Also, we hear she once yelled at Maureen Dowd in a restaurant. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Photo of the Week

Man of Leisure, King George” is one of the paintings in a canceled show at the City Museum of Washington.

Why we love Europe: this is how they advertise opera.

Hot tennis stars corrupt the young.

Quote of the Week

“I always vote. It’s hard because it’s so dreary in those places. People dress badly. It’s decorated badly. Try to pick up people when you vote. I tell college kids that when I’m lecturing. I say, ‘Dress provocatively.’ Cruise. Touch yourself as you pull the lever. Do things to make it more interesting. How else are we going to get young people to vote? They think it’s dull.” — John Waters

“Lesbianism is so rampant in some of the schools in southeast Oklahoma that they’ll only let one girl go to the bathroom. Now think about it. Think about that issue. How is it that that’s happened to us?” — An Oklahoma Republican Senate candidate, in a tape released by his Democratic challenger.

“No way, I would never strip for a movie. I would never do anything like that. I have studied acting for years.” — Paris Hilton. This amid rumors of a third sex tape circulating.

"We love the golden shower, but I guess they [the ratings board] said no to that. But I just love that they have to watch it. Seriously, can you imagine getting a videotape with just a close-up of a puppet [bleep]hole, and you have to watch it?" — Trey Parker, on Team America, the dirty new puppet film he’s made with his South Park co-creator, Matt Stone.

P.S. Those bummed out about the golden shower edit can get some their uncensored puppet sex here. Or here. Or here. Or here. Or here. Or here.

In the News

The New York Times‘s best headline this week: “What (Sex) Boys (Sex) Think (Sex) About.”

If it were left up to the states, many parts of the country would ban abortion.

Italian courts rule that bathroom sex is legal as long as the door is closed.

The Organizers of an erotic fair in Warsaw are trying to find the “sex world champion.”

According to a new study, a compound released by lactating women and their babies increases the libido of other women.

There’s another cannibal in Germany.

The “Carmel Fire Belles” are a group of older women who posed for a calendar to raise money for the local fire station, but the station wouldn’t take their money.

David Beckham is embroiled in yet another sex scandal.

Beijing plans to install condom machines to fight AIDS.

A Catholic pharmacist in Wisconsin refused to fill a birth control prescription because he didn’t want to “commit a sin.”

Skechers has pulled its Christina Aguilera nurse ad after protest from nursing associations. The silence of policewomen and teachers suggests they revel in their portrayal in the semi-pornographic sneaker promotions.

Fleshbot reports that artist Kelly Heaton has created a full-body vibrating sex suit from eviscerated Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Product Placement

Just what the election season was missing: a T-shirt featuring a donkey fucking an elephant.

There’s nothing as fetish-y as last year’s custom-sewn, ready-to-swim-in mermaid’s costume from the Neiman-Marcus Christmas Book, but their full-body suit of armor comes close: “Even the fingers of each gauntlet are completely flexible and functional!”

Japanese women don’t want people to hear them peeing in public bathrooms can use a device called the Sound Princess to cover up the noise.

This powder promises to change the taste and scent of “male body secretion” and “female body secretion.” Sexy. Sample flavor: “Hard Apple Masculine Formula."

Jessica Simpson trumpeted her edible fragrance line’s low-cal benefits, saying "I’m trying to get my butt perky. I have a white-girl bootie, so I’m doing all my squats to get some junk in my trunk."

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: “The War Over Plastic Surgery: Stars Take Sides”

Bold Jessica Simpson judgment call: Nick and Jessica are "huggable, soft and just as cute as can be … which must be why they now have Cabbage Patch Kids in their likenesses."

Circle of Dante’s hell represented: Circle One — Virtuous Pagans.

Sex promised/delivered: 1/1.


Us Weekly

Cover: "Best and Worst Weddings!"

Bold Jessica Simpson judgment call: Nick and Jessica had the "most emotional wedding" of all time.

Circle of Dante’s hell represented: Circle Five — The Sullen.

Sex promised/delivered: 5/5.


In Touch

Cover: "Why So Thin?"

Bold Jessica Simpson judgment call: "Jessica has been known to act like a princess."

Circle of Dante’s hell represented: Circle Eight — Flatterers and Hypocrites.

Sex promised/delivered: 8/8.


Star

Cover: “Oprah Drops 100 Pounds!”

Bold Jessica Simpson judgment call: "Jessica Simpson channels Seventies chic."

Circle of Dante’s hell represented: Circle Nine — Those Who Set Out to Destroy the Rightful God.

Sex promised/delivered: 9/10. One bonus point for photos of Prince’s bedroom.
Sign of the Apocalypse: Halloween Edition

He’s plug. She’s socket. And they’re coming to your party.



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Research assistant:
Sarah Harrison and Gwynne Watkins.

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