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Crush of the Week

Decades before Dan Savage advised his readers that “Eating pussy can no longer be regarded as some sort of above-and-beyond-the-call indulgence. Cunnilingus is standard. Any make or model that doesn’t come with cunnilingus should be immediately returned to the showroom,” Sanford Berman, a public librarian in Minnesota, took the Library of Congress to task for filing “see also” references to “cunnilingus” and “fellatio” under the subject heading for “sexual perversion.” Berman also suggested the revision or deletion of subject headings such as “Yellow Peril,” “Jewish Question,” “delinquent women,” “Mohammedanism,” and “literature, immoral.” The Library of Congress has (slowly) implemented a number of his suggestions.
    Just last month, the bearded, bespectacled seventy-two year old wrote the Library of Congress to “warmly suggest” the creation of a new subject heading close to our hearts: “anal fisting.” And for that, he is our crush of the week. — C. Fernsebner


Quotes of the Week

“I hope the love that we share can resonate around the world so that someday I can hear its echo . . . Besides, ‘boy toy’ just never sat well with me.” — Ashton Kutcher.

“I’m happy for people who want to get married. It’s not my thing.” — Charlize Theron on Access Hollywood. “My thing,” she continued, “is winning Oscars by making movies wherein I wear a scarf on my head to look ugly.”
“Wilson was arrested on charges relating to the amateur pornography section of his website, not the dead body pictures.” — Because what’s more dangerous than amateur porn?
“Among girls, fifty percent reported having sex without condoms, compared with forty-two percent of boys. Girls should be given lessons on condom use, the report suggested.” — Rather suspicious math, isn’t it?
“Reverend Ada Skillz,” “Crazy Eyes A. Slick,” “Dopetastic Ada Slim” or “Macktastic Calhoun Tickle” — What we’d be called if we were a pimp, according to this pimp handle generator.
“Sex offender loses appeal, must move.” — Headline of the week. Runners-up: “Dog Condom Creator Saddened Over Product Recall,” “Milky Way Giving Birth To Massive Stars Right Near Its Black Hole,” and “Great Tits Pass Down Good Habits.” (One of the Scanner readers who sent this last one in wrote, “Apparently great tits are a kind of bird that live in the Netherlands that may be developing phenotypic plasticity so they can adjust to changes in the environment. Just thought I would share this with you.” We love our readers!)
Photos of the Week

The original Hilton party girls: Violet and Daisy Hilton, the “San Antonio Siamese Twins.”

Are stop-motion photos the new Rorschach tests?  Exhibit A: “Pournography.”
In honor of this week’s Crush, enjoy this gallery of belly-dancing librarians.
Before he got famous, The Game appeared on Change of Heart, one of our all-time favorite shows.
Sometimes, reproductive freedom means freedom to breed your own fiddle-and-guitar ensemble, as this former Senate candidate Jim Dugger has. Follow the link on the family website to Wholesome and Modest Swimwear, where you can buy “slimming” swimsuits that look like all-weather grill covers.
Some people have way too much time on their hands.
Harriet Miers’s new credit card, from the clever satire blog.
And this from the slightly less clever Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes baby satire blog.
Star Jones’s baffling cleavage.
A tribute in light to NYU’s most famous dropout.
Moments after getting that virginal Olsens photo, we got this way-fake whorish one. Receiving photos representing the cosmic duality of the Olsen twins from Scanner readers separated by many miles in the span of five minutes is a sign of the apocalypse, right?
Check out the “Eugene” parody of the Paris Hilton ad here.
And here’s a gratifying political version of Tekta. Watched in combination with this, it says a lot about America.
From Our Inbox

Best press release ever? “Honored & Injured: Legendary Adult Photographer Hurt in Fall From Horse . . . While enjoying a rigorous ride on one of her new babies, Suze Randall was thrown from the horse. She was hurt, but able to call her daughter for help. After some spending some time in the hospital, the fiesty photographer was sent home where she is resting and recovering comfortably. With her mother recovering from the injury, Holly will step into her shoes this week to shoot an interracial DP. Though she is concerned about her mother, Holly can’t help but be excited about the opportunity to shoot her first DP.”
How long do you suppose it took them to settle on the classy water-across-pink-satin background?
And in what world is this clown in drag appropriate for a sex-party invite?
Trend Alert: Paternity Testing

On TV: Fear of the unfaithful mother is everywhere: Joely Richardson on Nip/Tuck, Eva Longoria on Desperate Housewives, Fox’s canceled reality show Who’s Your Daddy?, NBC’s canceled fertility-clinic drama Inconceivable.

In movies: In Broken Flowers, Bill Murray receives a letter informing him that he has fathered a son some nineteen years prior.
In hip-hop: Rapper-actor-acronym hyphenates RZA and DMX were both subpoenaed in paternity suits.
In royalty: Prince Albert of Monaco has been hit with three paternity suits since 1990. The most recent came about this year when he took the throne. A DNA test concluded that he fathered the child of former flight attendant Nicole Coste in 2003.
In science: Recent studies have shown that paternal discrepancy is higher than people might think; paternity testing clinics in the UK, as well as in the US, may not be doing their job. According to the New York Times, paternity tests have more than doubled in the last ten years. Paternity testing is becoming hotter than celebrity pregnancy. — Melaina Mace
In the News

Republicans in Indiana are drafting a bill that would make it illegal for unmarried women to become pregnant through in vitro fertilization, sperm donation or egg donation.

The Church of England recommends sex on Sundays.

Public Service Announcement

Some signs that you may be possessed by demons, according to “The Occult Activities and Manifestations Survey.”
Severe depression
Obsessive thoughts/compulsive behaviors
Extreme anxiety
Abnormal desire for sex
Experiencing puzzling phenomena in the environment
Fear of, mocking of, revulsion toward Christian music
Impulsive behaviors such as spending, gambling, self-harm
Smelling strong, foul odors
Sudden onsets of confusion
Outbursts of shouting obscenities
Compulsive masturbation
Alcoholism/other drug addiction

This survey was originally called “Signs That You May Live in New York.” — Gwynne Watkins

Product Placement

“I bought these pants many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons: I am not a member of Queen. I do not like motorcycles. I am not Rod Stewart. I am not French. I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.” — From the best eBay item description ever.

The Jenna Jameson guitar.
In the online multiplayer video game Spend the Night (coming Spring 2006), players act out their sexual fantasies through avatars. Alas, it’s no Custer’s Revenge.
Coming soon: a Marilyn Manson fragrance.
Tabloid Fodder: The Smarter-Than-They-Seem Edition

The headline: “All About The Baby!”
The erudite reference: Edward Albee’s 1998 The Play About The Baby.
The secret message: Tom and Katie’s baby is a sham. According to one description, Albee’s play involves: “Game playing that toys with cruelty . . . reality pitted against illusion . . . humor that is shadowed by a sense of doom . . . characters whose motivations are never neatly parsed but whose words can be brilliantly playful. . . heterosexual passion mixed with intimations of homoeroticism.”

Us Weekly
The headline: “What Now?”
The erudite reference: The Left-leaning What Do We Do Now?
The secret message: Nick and Jessica’s marriage is a sham. According to an Amazon description of the book, “Almond [one of the book’s essayists] reminds us that the media are not interested in truth. They view the election as a “reality TV drama,” not a political event. Telling the truth includes attacking the media when it covers up failed policy.”
In Touch
The headline: “Split!”
The erudite reference: The World Split Open: How the Modern Women’s Movement Changed America.
The secret message: The modern women’s movement made it possible for Sienna Miller to get back at Jude Law by sleeping with Daniel Craig.
The headline: “Demi and Ashton: Secret Honeymoon Photos!”
The erudite reference: The first thing that comes up in Amazon is Secret Honeymoon [Large Print].
The secret message: Demi Moore is old.

Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Gwynne Watkins, Sarah Harrison,
David Diehl, Melaina Mace and Marie Bernard.
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