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Crush of the Week

Proving once and for all that the more repressed
and scary a right-winger is, the more he thinks about sex, a Fox
News producer filed a lawsuit against
Bill O’Reilly, accusing him of sexual harassment. It’s a real page-turner,
with punchlines like: "During the course of Defendant Bill O’Reilly’s
sexual rant, it became clear that he was using a vibrator upon himself,
and that he ejaculated. Plaintiff was repulsed." Clearly, the
private Bill O’Reilly is a complex man, as is evident from these
three photos off his website.
Here is a man who, when he’s not bragging about cheating on his pregnant
wife or yammering on about how much he loves phone sex, hangs out
with Alan Cumming, donkeys and nuns. Now there is a rich
life. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada
Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

“I’m not just playing a drag queen; I’m playing a woman. There’s a big difference, and there’s more work to do on that. So I’m studying early Joan Crawford and I’ve been kind of watching my lady at home, picking up some characteristics. She can teach me how to put my stockings on straight, though I think I’ve already mastered that.” — Marilyn Manson, preparing to play the Queen of Hearts in an upcoming film of Alice in Wonderland.

According to Us Weekly, Sienna Miller, 22, snagged Jude Law with lots of three things: “sleep, laughter and lovemaking!” We’re sure his estranged wife and the mother of his three children loves reading stuff like that.

Photos of the Week

We’re convinced these are also Bush’s sex faces.

Speaking of the Bush family, check out all
this leg.

And now an image from the New York Times: the hugless hug.

Rubber ducky or vibrator: you decide. Vendor: "My 3-year-old son loves to play with this duck in the bath. He puts it on his neck and on his head; there’s nothing inappropriate about it.” Town official: "That duck is a sexual toy, and it was on display. That was a vibrator on display in public view.”

Ah, the short path from clandestine gay affair to photo op with gay puppet.

From Warsaw’s “Eroticon.” You
can read all about the fifth international festival here.



Here are two of our favorites from the ad graveyard.

And here’s an ad we’ve been seeing everywhere that maybe should have
been buried: the ripped thumb.

Meet the “giant corpse flower.” Fittingly, the stalk will bend over when it dehydrates and it smells "like rotting flesh or fish gone bad.”

Fleshbot graces us with this photo of an enthusiastic inflatable penis.

In the News

America’s sweetheart Kirsten Dunst has been seen hanging out with Rick “sleezeball” Salomon, also known as Rick “Paris Hilton sex tape” Salomon. All we can say is, hear, hear! Perky Kirsten needed a little scuzzing up. Our vote for the next wholesome celebrity Rick should date: Hilary Duff.

Fergie wants to pose nude for a charity book and The Sun responded with a readers petition asking her not to do it.

Sandals resorts are finally letting gay couples visit.

There is speculation that in 1903, Queen Maud of Norway was artificially inseminated by her doctor to cover up for her husband’s infertility, which would make their son, Olav V, the current king of Norway, half-British.

This woman wants a husband so bad, she slapped up a billboard declaring her intentions. You’d have thought she’d have put on a little lipstick…

According to a recent study, genes handed down by one’s mother and having a large number of older brothers may determine whether someone is born gay.

According to another study, Europeans have more sex than Asians.

And according to another, one percent of people are asexual. See celebrator T-shirt below. And see our article on the subject: “The Story of No.”

The Madrid Masters tennis tournament is going to start using models instead of ballboys at its upcoming tournament.

A new gel may help prevent women from contracting HIV.

And now, from our friends in Australia, this report: "A middle-aged woman had no idea that she was sneaking from her house at night in search of sex with random strangers until her partner awoke, discovered she was missing from the bedroom, and found her having sex with another man … Her partner was already aware that she was a sleep walker and also had been confounded by condoms he found strewn around the house… "

Product Placement

Asexuality T-shirt: “Asexuality: It’s not just for amoebas anymore.”

Rod Stewart’s new album cover
features the crooner getting dressed after ravaging and stealing the
shoes of some torsoless model.

Tabloid Fodder

People

Cover: “Heart of a Hero: Christopher Reeve.”

Celebrity eager to be knocked up: John Stamos’s future wife,
whomever she may be.

How you can tell: Because if she doesn’t want babies she doesn’t exist. “I’m ready to have a family and want somebody who wants that too,” says Stamos.

Sex promised/delivered: 4/7. All three bonus points are
courtesy of Tatum O’Neal.

Us Weekly

Cover: “I’m Ready for a Baby! In a candid interview, the Shall We Dance? star reveals the secrets of her home life — and why she wants to be a mom.”

Celebrity eager to be knocked up: J. Lo. "She’s got babies on the brain!"

How you can tell: Come-hither look on the cover, heaving bosom.

Sex promised/delivered:8/6. Two points off for images of skanky ol’ Britney and Kevin cuddling at home in their frumpy clothes.

In Touch

Cover:“A Real Hero: The Superman star embodied the American spirit. He leaves a legacy of hope."

Celebrity eager to be knocked up: Jennifer Aniston.

How you can tell: Frank Gehry is building her and Brad a big house.

Sex promised/delivered: 6/7. One bonus point for picture of Usher having his mid-section fondled.

Star

Cover: “Hollywood Hair Disasters! They’re bad, REALLY bad…”

Celebrity eager to be knocked up: None; too busy humiliating selves to have children.

How you can tell: N/A.

Sex promised/delivered: 9/8. Minus one point for this Ted Danson quote: "I
consider my bald spot an intellectual mooning of the world."



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appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison and Gwynne Watkins.

Send tips to ada@nerve.com.


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