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Crush of the Week

Scanner has been receiving complaints about
the unsexiness of our recent crushes. What can we say? Attraction
is unpredictable. Sometimes you find yourself looking at a person
you hate and suddenly realize something intriguing about them. Do
you want to marry them? No. Do you even want to sleep with them?
Probably not. (Except Kelly Ripa. We certainly wouldn’t kick Kelly
Ripa out of bed.) Anyway, that flicker of understanding
makes them — maybe for just a fleeting instant — important to you in some small, possibly twisted, even self-destructive way. Crushes aren’t supposed to be good for you.

   Our crush this week is Ashlee Simpson. Not only is she cuter than Jessica, and not only do we know she’s the “bad” sister because of the dark hair (Mary-Kate, Nicky), but we also know crazy-face Jessica, a former crush of the week, would never wipe out so dramatically on Saturday Night Live. What’s interesting, though, isn’t the wipe out — as if no one knew Ashlee was lousy live and lip-synched — it’s this bogus “computer malfunction” story.
No, this was a set-up. Someone left her to twist in the wind. We suspect the
band, especially since she ungraciously tried to foist the blame off on them
in a curtain speech. And for that, she is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun

Quotes of the Week

"In New York, nobody looks like a porn star, but in L.A., everybody looks like they could be one." — John Waters last week at the HBO screening of Thinking XXX.

“I’ve always had very good penis karma. I used to say I’d never seen a small one, but recently, maybe I have.” — Pamela Anderson.

“The Bible describes three emotionally close relationships between two
people of the same gender. They appear to have progressed well beyond
a casual friendship.” — on
the possibility that the Bible condones same-sex relationships.

Photos of the Week

Now, by popular demand: John Kerry’s sex face.

A crucial and oft-overlooked segment of the electorate: the hot twin vote.

An excellent way to waste time at work: this website posts
chaste photos that make dirty thumbnails.

Here’s Kinsey on the cover of Time in 1953. The rose means sex.

Sex Education, ABC Style

Watching Primetime Live‘s “American
Sex Lives 2004
” episode is like Fear Factor for Nerve
editors. And the maggot-eating squeals began early, when Diane
Sawyer wandered through the back halls of the ABC studios in
search of the Keymaster (or “Polling Unit Director,” as
she called him). From there on, we were on an emotional rollercoaster:
(1) The anchors look so uncomfortable. (2) No, I am the one who
is uncomfortable. I wish I hadn’t volunteered to watch this. The
American Musical documentary is on PBS. (3) Already, with the “Men
Are From Mars, Women are from Venus” crap! Actual commentary: “This
woman was not turned on, even when we pointed out attractive
men to her.” (4) Is that really the average number of sexual
partners for American women? I am a whore. (5) Did that
anchor really say that to the sex therapist? (“Baby steps to
baby making.” And yes.) (6) Wait, maybe this is a good thing
for women that I just happen to hate, like The Vagina
But why are they celebrating this alcoholic California couple
for going to “skin parties” and molesting other people while
the girlfriend is clearly in a blackout? And, incidentally, giving
a huge plug to the cheating service (8) Hey,
they haven’t mentioned gay sex once and the show’s almost over!
here we go. 10:52: a gay man in the crowd asks a question. The
sex therapist tells him homosexuals have hang-ups just like heterosexuals
and so the poll results apply to him,
too. (9) I can’t believe 42% of women think their partner
visiting a pornographic website counts as cheating. (10)
It’s over at last. Diane Sawyer says she hopes we learned something. — Ada

In the News

The Governator was supposedly denied sex by wife Maria Shriver for two weeks as a result of his convention speech.

Shanghai gets its first Hooters.

For the first time, a novel with
a gay theme wins the Booker

Wal-Mart won’t
sell Jon Stewart’s book because it contains (fake) photos of the Supreme
Court Justices naked.

Dina Matos McGreevey, hot wife of the soon-to-be-former New Jersey governor/gay American, just bought herself a cute home of her own.

Fact: Overweight people have fewer babies.

This week’s oddest New York Times lead
: “In the annals of election year 2004, Oct. 13 will be
remembered as the day it rained lesbians in red America.”

Project God is a Christian film company asking the hard questions, like “What will you do the next time porn strikes?” Correct answer, according to this bizarre short film on the subject: destroy company property.

Bad Education star Gael Garcia Bernal is reportedly furious that the New York Times misrepresented him as reluctant to do a gay love scene in the upcoming Almodovar film.
Product Placement

Is there a chance you gave someone an STD? Tell them with a thoughtful e-card.

Avon has launched a men’s line. The first catalog features products such as the "NFL Great Super Bowl Victories Watch in Tin" ($29.99).

For the college guy in us all: The Ashhole, a “bottle-top ashtray.”

And, at long last: the
vibrating condom

Tabloid Fodder


Cover: “Her Battle With Breast Cancer”

Amazing revelation: Kevin Federline is an extra in a soon-to-be-aired
Target commercial, dancing with a plunger!

Object of faux concern: Melissa Etheridge, who’s battling cancer.

Sex promised/delivered: 2/4. Unusually sexy pictures this week of, among others, Mark Ruffalo and Usher.

In Touch

Cover: “New Trouble: Mary-Kate hits a rough patch.”

Amazing revelation: Regis might be retiring!

Object of faux concern: By default, Mary-Kate.

Sex promised/delivered: 5/8. Three bonus points for a brilliant
piece drawing comparisons between J. Lo and Barbra Streisand.

Us Weekly

Cover: "Angelina and Billy Bob BACK ON! Private hookups,
phone calls, she says she loves him. How the sexy exes are heating
up all over again."

Amazing revelation: Angelina and Billy Bob might possibly
be back together, which most probably would be news to the woman
Thornton lives with who
just bore
his fifth child.

Object of faux concern: Britney, who says she, like, really needs to "just
chill and let all of the other overexposed blondes on the cover of Us Weekly be
your entertainment.”

Sex promised/delivered: 4/5. Bonus point for headline “Britney
and Kevin get Lei’d in Fiji.”


Cover: “Mary-Kate Olsen Back to Rehab? She’s Skin and Bones

Amazing revelation: Gwen Stefani is furious over her husband’s secret love child.

Object of faux concern: Default: Mary-Kate.

Sex promised/delivered: 8/9. One bonus point for the delectable feature "Return
of the Has-Beens."

appears every Tuesday.

Research assistants:
Sarah Harrison and Gwynne Watkins.

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